Jessica's Journey with Hodgkin's Lymphoma

A New Year...

2012-01-01T01:15:00.002-05:00

Fresh beginnings-
Hope for our happiness.
Wishes for love and friendship to surround us.
Opportunity to let life guide us forward
as we make the most of all that has been shown to us thus far.
Peace and Joy cautiously round the corner
as they continuously strive to make their presence known.
And they will.

Welcome 2012

2011-12-25T00:03:00.005-05:00

Peace and Joy can be found within each and every one of our days. They shyly wait for us to discover their treasures yet sadly, they all too often witness our inability to see them clearly.

On Christmas their abundance shines brightly as they give the gift of themselves to us all. Be still. Be silent. Watch as their beauty flows through your soul and freely gives you what you have been seeking all along. And especially on this day, may love and friendship walk alongside their pathway.

Merry Christmas to my Angel in Heaven and my Angels here on earth.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.....????

2011-12-18T22:07:00.005-05:00

"Life goes on no matter what", holds more true than I could ever have imagined. My psyche is perplexed with another Holiday Season upon us. Much of life has changed since we last thought of Santa and the Christ Child, yet so much has remained the same. The aches in my heart have not lessened but I find that I am able to manage its crises with more grace these days. I look to God and my love for Jess to help me through the trying days along with the love and words from those by my side. They have all been an integral part of my healing this past year and have also helped me to celebrate the positive that we've been blessed with.

Last week I surprised myself by trimming my little tree without having to....I wanted to... No - it's glory is not of the caliber of Christmas' spent with my girls....but it is grander than it has been of late on my own. Its lights beckon my memories to shine once again as they also prompt the dams of my tears to release. I yearn for what is no longer mine, yet am joyful for the privileges that have been bestowed upon me.

This time of year can be over whelmingly stress-filled, and loss only deepens those wounds. Our brave faces are exposed to the world as we secretly attempt to control our own suffering. It's been said that often times we encourage ourselves by encouraging others....and perhaps that is what I've been longing to do all along...my soul has been bared as my words have been penned -with the utmost desire to help even one other spirit...move forward...and on...

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year? It most certainly has been in the past....and perhaps, someday, it will be once again. And this, my friend, is inscribed for us all.

Blessings to you during the Christmas Season...and always.....

Helping just got a little easier......

2011-10-06T11:22:00.022-04:00

The Holiday Season is approaching quicker than we may want to admit, and many of us choose to make a donation to a charity close to our hearts during this time of year. And now, giving to The Silver Lining Cancer Fund is just a click away!

Once on their website http://www.silverliningfund.org/ your tax deductible donation can be made with many major credit cards and even with your PayPal account!

And if you enjoy Antone's food and fashion shows, The Glitter Girls will be presenting "An Evening of Fashion for Compassion" on Thursday, November 10, 2011. All proceeds will benefit The Silver Lining Cancer Fund. Many of my friends and family will be joining me that evening and we hope to see you there too!!! Their flyer with additional details for the event can also be found on the websites "home" page.

Blessings to all of you for supporting such a wonderful organization which has been so dear to both my and Jessica's hearts.

The Silver Lining Cancer Fund, Inc.
"Helping cancer patients of the Mahoning Valley"

For Jessica...for Stefanie...for all that is yet to be...

2011-09-27T06:51:00.009-04:00

Birthdays encourage us to pause, and reflect with gratitude for what life has blessed us with...and perhaps allow closure for that which should no longer invade the soul. Our wish is to be hopeful as we open the door to yet another new beginning - and peek inside with innocent anticipation, in order to catch just a glimpse of what may lie ahead!

However, the desire to celebrate can be somewhat overshadowed...as we painfully remember that which is no longer within our grasp...yet will be forever etched within our hearts...

So as this day radiates upon us, I do see more than hope amidst its confines....new beginnings are beaming their rays of light as my angel in heaven looks upon my angel, her sister, on earth. And my most sincere desire is that they are both gleaming as their hearts walk together, exploring the realities that are slowly unfolding and revealing themselves, day by day...

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
Forever, and always in my heart....

“We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love.” - Mother Teresa

2011-09-08T07:39:00.012-04:00

Along with The Silver Lining Cancer Fund, another wonderful organization dear to our hearts is The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This year, both of Jessica's sisters are taking part in their local "Light The Night" fundraising event to help raise awareness and funds for the LLS.

Stefanie's husband Adam is on the LLS's executive committee for their Walk which will be held at the Fred Beekman Park on OSU's campus in Columbus on Saturday, October 15th. This is their first year participating on a team, although last year they volunteered by working at the Walk. I am humbled to have the opportunity to be a part of their team along with the girls' Aunt Karin and cousin Lori. To find out more, click on: http://pages.lightthenight.org/coh/CntlOhio11/FrostBrownToddLLC

Jessica's older sister Nicole has organized a team near her home in Tamarac, Florida. This too is her first team event and it will be held on Saturday, November 12th in downtown Ft. Lauderdale. Unfortunately, I will not be able to personally participate but her Walk can be accessed by clicking on: http://pages.lightthenight.org/sfl/Huizenga11/NZifchak

I know that many of you have already donated and as a family we are all grateful, not only for your generosity, but for continuing to keep Jessica's spirit alive. And for anyone who would like more information or may wish to contribute, please donate through either link above or at a Walk that may be held near you!

Again, from all of us, thank you and God Bless you.

2011-08-12T00:39:00.016-04:00

My life has taught me that you can't control

what life dishes out.

You can only choose how you deal with it

and who stands up with you.

-Adele Frances (adapted)

2011-08-08T00:10:00.021-04:00

To live in hearts we leave behind

Is not to die.

Thomas Campbell
"Hallowed Ground"

www.silverliningfund.org

2011-08-03T10:04:00.002-04:00

One of the most compassionate acts that any human being can preform, is to offer another assistance in whatever fashion that they are capable of. And there are numerous ways that we can help The Silver Lining Cancer Fund.

This local, non-profit organization has been very dear to my heart since my own battle with breast cancer in 1989. My diagnosis came at a time when health insurance was not attainable and we were raising a very young family. The SLCF came to my rescue as they covered the cost of many of my medications that helped me conquer my disease. This same organization helped us with these same kind of expenses that were not covered by insurance throughout Jessica's journey.

I encourage you to visit the SLCF's website at: http://www.silverliningfund.org/ Not only can you learn more about their mission, but by clicking on the "testimonials" page, you will find a wonderful letter written by Jessica's friends who raised over $2,200 for the SLCF through a half marathon held in Arizona on January 17, 2010. They did this, not only to honor Jessica's memory, but to give back to an organzation who gives so much to so many.

And if you are able to donate to this well-deserving group, please let them know that you are doing it for the many families that they have helped...past, present and future....but especially for a mom and a daughter who never lost hope...and with a story to tell...

God Bless you.

Dear Jessica-

2011-07-08T00:01:00.025-04:00

Two years have passed since my world was shattered and Devastation began to breathe life. Heartache had been thrust upon me before, but never did it hurt so deeply as when you left us. Turmoil continued to follow as my endless battles with Grief and his brothers raged on. And each time that I thought I had loosened their grip on my soul, I'd find myself being pulled back just one more step, as was done to us so many times before...

Yes Jessica, I am grateful to God for placing you in my care until he called you Home, and I am thankful for the love and the blessings that you gave to all of us during your short stay here on Earth. But the compulsion to be angry and lash out has never been fully extinguished...yet I know deep in my heart that there is no true anger to be had, nor blame to be placed...your work here was complete, your Journey reached its destination, and it was now time for you to rest. But I miss you so very much. And the void left inside my heart yearns for the days when I could see you... and hear you...and touch you...

You know Jess, in so many ways your Journey became mine. I knew I couldn't cure you but I could walk by your side and hold your hand. I could talk with you, listen to you and cry with you. You carried the burden, but my highest hope was to help lighten your load. We shared so much during your illness and in many ways became each others best friend as we enjoyed the good days that Life allowed us amongst the many trying ones.

And now, as the arcs of this Circle are being traced yet once again, another new normal is being conceived. Oh my Jess! How many times did we use that "new normal" phrase over the years? And we always believed that this time it would be the one where we could finally stop and breathe.... but the road of Life is never a smooth one, and detours were plentiful as we would so often "hurry up and wait" for its pages to be penned and in turn the chapter closed. Maybe this time a message of Peace will be composed...

I am doing my best to move forward. Our family and friends continue to help one another as much as they helped us. But it's not the same. I can see, and feel, the ache in their hearts - transparent through their eyes - and the suffering becomes a shared moment. And there are times when I want nothing more than to join you....but I know that, just as your work was done, mine has yet to be realized. Better days are to come, for Life always has Hope hiding within her wings. We used to talk about that.....but then, that's another story.

Goodnight Miss Jessica.
I love you. Forever.
-Mom

Life's Pathway

2011-06-21T08:36:00.002-04:00

At times, life's path seems filled with things that make the going rough,
And we wish there were a smoother road for we feel we've had enough...
But, if we pause a moment and remember Who's in charge,
The hills that loom ahead of us no longer seem so large,
And every rock before us, when we know we're not alone,
Becomes, not just a stumbling block,
but one more stepping stone.
-Emily Matthews
(with special thanks to Stefanie,as The Circle is being traced once more)

2011-06-09T10:54:00.016-04:00

"Forgiveness is not condoning. Nor is it even repairing what has been broken, though often that is possible. Forgiveness isn't really about the other person. Forgiveness is deciding that you need to make peace with a personal situation. You forgive so you can get on with your life."

-R. Scott Colglazier

2011-05-22T18:18:00.013-04:00

Ever since "the cloud picture" revealed itself, I find myself looking to the Heavens with a new and exciting passion. I examine them closely hoping to discover yet another miracle from above, yet all the while conscientiously expanding my vision to include the entire skyscape in order to breathe in all of the glorious beauty and life that surrounds me. But lately, some of that beauty has brandished it's fearful energy with thunderous rain and bellowing winds...

The powerfulness of these events makes me realize how often life does mimic Mother Earth. The persistent veil of darkness casts its shadow upon many, making us feel as though Hope has abandoned her only child. Hurt and despair are entwined with the gloom that cloaks your soul as you drown in the tears that flood the capsule which imprisons you. But then you stop...and you think. And you know that better days are coming...because you Believe...

And as the allure of Tod beckons my heart with eagerness of late, I have come to realize just how these transformations are truly one in the same: out of the darkness...comes light, after the rain...the sunshine. The storm rages on as the birds seek refuge, but then the heaviness of the clouds are lifted as the skies expand into a brilliant warmth revealing the celebrated rainbow as they reappear - to sing and to play and to remind us all that as much as life changes, it truly does stay the same. Cliche? Yes - but with truth. The orbs of Life and Death (Grief) each carry segments honoring our individual passages as they are painstakingly placed alongside one another. Some are but a glimpse in the arc while others dominate their scope; still, they must be placed as our Maker has chosen in order to become a complete entity...but we are given the choice of who walks beside us and the pace of the steps that are taken.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain"

"All God's angels come to us disguised" -James Russell Lowell

2011-04-20T21:15:00.010-04:00

I am rather uncomfortable with the attempts of compassion where I am told that Jessica is watching over me - or that she is with me and will help me through my trials. Yes, there are times when I feel a presence, but I struggle with the possibility that it is really her.....

Even before Jessica's death, there were conflicts in my life that I had hoped to shield her from. We were close and shared so much, but I didn't want her to have additional stresses or added pressures. Her fight was complicated enough. And after her earthly battle was lost, the hope of her finally being able to rest was the one thing that gave me a bit of peace. So I wrestle with the thought that she can witness my anguish or feel my pain, as I know the sadness that this would cause her. So I would tell myself that the presence I felt or the signs that I saw came from her Guardian Angel or perhaps my own, or maybe it was a sign sent directly from Heaven - to comfort me and to tell me that my Jessica really was ok now...

Last June 20th I wrote of my Amish country sabbatical and of my struggle to find the solitude that I so desperately needed. That same struggle has yet to find closure but from it came an undeniable sign from the Heavens.

The above picture was taken during my trip as I attempted to capture the glitter of the leaves from the warm but rustling winds. There were five failed attempts to grasp its beauty, but not until my recent (and very delayed) printing of these memories did I realize the true meaning of this tree demanding my attention!

Today I mark my 22nd year as a Cancer Survivor. After Jess was diagnosed I expected our family to celebrate two Cancerversarys a year, but instead the scar of Jess' date is forever etched in my own. But this year is commemorated with one of the most beautiful gifts that I could ever receive - one that I wish to share with you! Look closely at the clouds in the upper right side of the picture. There you will clearly see a distinct "cancer ribbon" formed within the cloud overlooking the tree...and me... Perhaps it is there to remind us that sometimes we truly can't see that which is right in our midst...our focus becomes so narrowly intense that we fail to seize the opportunities quietly being laid upon us.

But then again, maybe it's just God's angels, coming to us in disguise....letting us know that our loved ones "really are ok now"...and someday, we will see them again...

We just need to Believe...

Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you.
You are forever in my heart...

Welcome 2011

2011-01-01T08:00:00.007-05:00

The New Year is quietly introducing itself while The Old becomes yet another chapter in history. If dates on a calendar can make a difference, then I am thankful that 2010 has ended its fury and grateful for what the birth of 2011 may offer.

There have been great hardships placed upon many that I love this past year and the longing of a fresh start...a new beginning...brings hope to us all.

We must believe that better days await us. Yes, the difficulties of the past have molded us into who and what we are today, and they are giving us the strength to move forward into our tomorrows. We have learned that the winding road of life is littered with stones and pitfalls, but we must continue to appreciate the wonderment that surrounds us throughout the journey.

Yesterday, I stood at the foot of Jessica's grave with my eyes closed...just listening to the beauty that was surrounding me, before I opened them to drink in what my senses had already seen. God is all around us and showering us with what we need to find comfort here on Earth...but so often we become entangled within the webs of unimportance, that it makes us lose sight of that which is truly valuable in our lives.

May the essence of greater dreams inspire us all to see that which is hidden and to listen to the whispers quietly spoken around us...

Special prayers are extended to Ruth and her family and Janeen, Bernie, John and their families as the arcs on their circles begin to take shape...

2010-12-14T18:27:00.039-05:00

I'm finding it hard to believe that the Holiday Season is upon us and that Thanksgiving is already a memory. The hustle and bustle that I am witness to is no different than that of Christmas' Past; the joyful music is playing freely all around us as we watch the smiling faces of children as they whisper their wishes to Santa...sure that they were "good" this year and hopeful that he feels the same! Shoppers are seeking that perfect something to give to those that they love and respect; and best of all, listening in on the plans being finalized to give the grandest gift of all - time spent together in peace and love.

My days of late are overflowing with long work hours and required time spent with the necessary preparation for a day that was once the highlight of my year. I yearn for those days when my family was whole...and happy... without the cares that it now presents. Time was spent decorating our home, trimming our tree and taking care to put the final touches on the freshly baked cookies. And maybe someday our house will shine again as it's colored lights showcase a magical tree in a room abundant with love and laughter. But my heart is not yet ready, nor willinging able, to relive what was once enjoyed together as a family. Our small tree is adorned with all three of "my angels" allowing it's true beauty to be shown. It's not to say that we haven't found any happiness, because it has shown itself in many aspects of our lives...but life, like the ever changing clouds gliding above us, knows that it will not remain the same forever.

I realize that oftentimes this second year without Jessica has proven to be as difficult, if not moreso, than the first. Dear friends had warned me of this taking place...but I couldn't imagine it to be true. We have painstakingly marked "the firsts" of everything, and now the reality of this "new normal" has pushed itself in and taken full command. I continue to look, and indeed I do find, many things to be grateful for and to be happy about and enjoy. And as much as I miss my Jessica, I know that I can best honor her life by continuing to live out my own.

It's been said, and I truly believe, that when someone you love dies, the hole that's left in your broken heart is full of sharp jagged edges. The pain can be so intense that you fear you may never be complete again. And time may help heal and smooth over those edges but that gaping hole remains. The void that it created can never be filled...but we must learn to accept that which has been given to us and continue to move forward in order to fulfill our own destiny. God has a plan for each and every one of us and oftentimes we have more questions than answers for why events unfold as they do. And especially during the Holiday Season, we must BELIEVE that we are being guided in the direction that is meant for us. No. Life isn't easy nor is it always fair. But the true test in life is not to question what we are given....it's about what we do with that which has been given to us.

I'd like to leave you with an inscription found scratched into a wall in Germany by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camps:

I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining;

in love even when I am alone;
and in God even when He is silent.

And sometimes my friends, in that silence we can hear the whisper of God. But you have to listen. Better days are ahead for all of us. We just have to believe....

For Jessica and For Stefanie...

2010-09-27T01:00:00.002-04:00

Today is September 27, 2010. On this day twenty-six years ago, two very special angels were in a rush to be welcomed into our world and our family of three became five. Tiny as they were, they quickly flourished as they began to bring more love and joy into our lives than we could ever have imagined. And their closeness kept growing stronger as they became each others' best friend, and when Jessica became ill that bond became a powerful force in her journey.

And as I sit here and lament the absence of my Jessica I can only imagine what my Stefanie must feel today. For as difficult as this day is for me, she has truly lost a piece of her own being which only a few can comprehend, for she and Jessica began their lives with only each other for 7-1/2 months before we met, and they connected in a beautiful sense that we will never be able to understand.

So today, as we reminisce and commemorate the birth of these two wonderful and courageous women, let us remember Jessica in our prayers...for it does continue to be a very special and happy day for both her and her sister and for all of us...and I am thankful and grateful to be able to celebrate it with Stefanie - in her honor, and in her sisters memory.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
Know that I love you both with all my heart and soul.
Always...and forever.

Missing Jessica...

2010-07-08T09:12:00.019-04:00

Today is a struggle. My heart is torn between being alone with my grief or being with others to help celebrate a life that was lost. Neither battle finds victory as I can do little more than control the affliction that lies within me. I have carefully waited for this day to arrive as much as I have feared to have its face shown... for now the Circle is complete. The final arc is being layed, joining the ends, confining all the "firsts" within its boundaries. I can see them all so clearly, yet try as I may, I find that they are no longer within my grasp. The heartache and tears of this past year have been placed under lock as the circle's clasp has been shut tightly to avoid any attempt at re-entry, and reminding us that it is we, who hold that "proverbial key" to any future happiness.

My hope for today was to pay proper homage to my daughter. I searched my heart over and over and agonized to find the befitting words which could define her life and all that she meant to us...but how can this be done in a forum such as this? It can't. But then, as I look back on that which has already been written and the heartfelt words left by so many, I find that that which I seek, is already there. Those who knew Jessica, know. And those who's lives were not personally touched by her, have been so in spirit.

A tribute bench has been placed at The Girard Library in Jessica's honor. It reads:

In loving memory of

Jessica Zifchak

Her courage, inspiration and smile

Remain in our hearts 1984 - 2009

My special thanks to everyone who has touched our lives in person or through words. Your consoling comfort is felt as strongly now as it always has been, especially over this past year. Your love and thoughtfulness will be forever in our hearts as we attempt to move forward in life. And may each and every one of you be blessed ten-fold for all the kindness that you have shown to us.

"Good night Miss Jessica. I love you."

2010-07-07T10:59:00.002-04:00

Death is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Death Poem by Henry Scott Holland, 1847 - 1918
Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral - London. UK

2010-06-29T10:05:00.000-04:00

"It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change."

-Alice in Wonderland

2010-06-20T09:26:00.006-04:00

On Father's Day of last year our "circle" began to breathe life. Little did we know nor could we ever have imagined that on June 21st, it was but the beginning to an end...

I just recently spent three full days in the heart of Ohio's Amish Country at a secluded, hillside inn overlooking Mother Earth's rolling landscape. This yearning grew stronger as the seasons changed from Winter to Spring and as my life was beginning to show signs of unraveling. My wish - to have time alone, away from the world and the reality played into everyday life, to reflect and to write.... to place upon paper the images that continuously re-play in my mind, and which have been haunting my thoughts and my entire being since Jessica left our lives....those of the hell that she endured in those final days...the hell that I witnessed, at times quite alone, where I could do little more than love her, attempt to comfort her...and watch...and pray...

But that which I so desperately hoped to pen remained confined within the webs of my thoughts. And I realized something personally profound....perhaps that which is mine to bear, is mine to bear alone, for as much as this lives within me, it also needs to be imprisioned where it exists... and when my final breath is drawn, it can escape, for then it will have no other one to harm. But for now, much of the past needs to rest where it lays, as I hope that those who knew and loved Jessica, may finally be accepting life within their new normal.

But reflect is something that I was able to do - on aspects of my life that I had hoped would not need such care. And on my final night in what is truly God's Country, I did pen a thought for the world to see....in the "Guest Book" so proudly displayed with the writings of many who have appreciated their time at this inn...for others to see as they pass through and experience life in a simpler and perhaps at times, more desirable way:

June 14-18, 2010
Hoping to find inner peace was my goal for this journey as the "first year" is coming full circle since my 24-year-old daughter Jessica died from Hodgkin’s Disease. The solitude here allows me to hear my thoughts and put them to rest as nature sings her songs, while the wonder of God’s beauty gives me strength to draw upon. And being in such a beautiful, spacious and comfortable physical surrounding has helped me to achieve some of what I have been searching for. And for that, I thank you.

Life truly is "One Day at a Time"

"Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you."

2010-06-08T08:37:00.002-04:00

"You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

-- David Harkins

2010-05-11T09:55:00.011-04:00

I am a Mother. This has always been my most honored role in life and now, when asked if I have children, my reply is, "Yes. I have three daughters...but we lost our daughter Jessica last July..."

This past Sunday was my first Mothers Day as a mom of two living children, and the days leading up to it were more difficult than I could ever have imagined. My family and friends helped me through it the best that they could with wonderful company, food and gifts, but this void that exists only grew larger and stronger as the day went on. The "life" that surrounds me continues to create emotional turmoil and I am finding that I now happily immerse myself in my work - which has become a safe haven for me, and helps my days to move forward. Yes. I am most grateful for who and what I do have in my life, yet I yearn for that which was taken...from all of us...

And on May 8th, as we marked yet one more month in time without our Jessica, another precious, young life was taken from this earth much too soon. Our heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with Mitchell's family as their struggle begins....

2010-04-30T14:51:00.015-04:00

I feel as though I am being encouraged to stay away and seek my solitude elsewhere, although my heart cannot believe that this would be so...

I am discovering that the timing of my visits to Tod of late are not allowing me to find the peace and serenity that I so strongly desire. I realize that the circumstances in my life keep leading me there, hoping to allow my eyes to close and "hear" that comforting peace. But there are those whose livelihood brings them nearby, disrupting the karma that surrounds me, and today it was I who kept a distance, as I witnessed the grief surrounding a graveside service, of someone clearly much loved....

So I left...wishing that I could stay...and help my heart to heal...

And as I drove away, I heard Bon Jovi singing Live Before you Die, making me wonder all the more just where I am to be in this life and just how to go about finding that destiny. So I will listen, patiently, wherever I am able to rest, hoping to "hear" God guide me to where my life's journey shall continue...

Another marker of time...

2010-04-20T04:30:00.009-04:00

Twenty-one years ago today, I lost my left breast to cancer and was given a Stage II prognosis. My greatest fear was to leave my husband alone to raise our three daughters, then age 7, 4 and 4. I carried a heavy heart knowing that there was a possibility that they could grow up not fully remembering me...and how very much I loved them.

Jessica introduced the word "Cancerversary" to our vocabulary after her own diagnosis and subsequent one-year mark, and last year on my 20th Cancerversary, she and Stefanie surprised me with a family dinner celebration. Her blog from that day still brings tears to my eyes as I continue to appreciate the hero that she was. She called me brave from the battles I waged when all the while she was the true warrior. Her fight was so much tougher than mine and with more twists and turns than any of us could ever have imagined, yet she smiled, inspired and tried her hardest to become a survivor herself. Yes. I did survive my battle. But the scars I bear come from the fight that I had hoped to help her win.

Jessica closed her entry with the following quote which I feel needs repeating, especially today:

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." -Eleanor Roosevelt

One Day at a Time...

2010-04-08T06:46:00.012-04:00

It seems as though my words, which usually flow so freely, have become tangled within the confines of my mind...the peaks of the web are caught up where support should be given, and in turn, my ill attempts to express those "1,000 reasons to show life why I should smile" are being suppressed as my blessings are becoming clouded with doubt.

Emotions tend to run deeply, more so during a holiday or when yet another month without our loves ones are marked. And maybe someday, holidays will become a source of joy again...

Last year, Jessica was diagnosed with bronchitis after spending Easter Sunday in the hospital emergency room. Now, looking back to that day, I realize that this was just the beginning of what we would all be given to mourn.... But I did smile this Easter season, when on Holy Thursday I was honored with the blessing of meeting Alyssa's mom (and grandmother), granting me the long awaited wish of expressing my grief to her, and with her...for both of our daughters...and with a deep respect, my prayers continue for her family...

Yes, there have been happy days since Jessica left us. The highs have been celebrated and marked with pride as much as the lows have been dissected in a vain attempt to understand them. Personal turmoils have been evoked as we continue to struggle to find our new normal. Our home, once full of love and laughter, now yearns for a healing peace. Peace.

And now, as the rebirth of Spring is upon us, I once again find that the tranquillity I seek comes to me from where my daughters body lies. The calmness of the grounds beckon me to rest, as I close my eyes and listen to the birds sing, while the faint and distant harmony of the freeway is carried by the soothing breeze that embraces my being. Clarity engulfs me as my troubles are washed clean, allowing me the freedom to think. I can hear my thoughts! I can feel a new energy enfusing my own spirit, giving me the strength needed to continue putting one foot in front of the other! I open my eyes and gaze at those majestic birds keeping watch over the souls who rest below them. And with the trees, swaying in tune, I am reminded that life does, and will always, go on. No one can escape lifes heartaches, but it is our choice as to what we do with that sorrow...

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

- Robert Frost

Count your blessings, not your sorrows...

2010-03-08T06:49:00.001-05:00

Jessica and I always tried to be positive people...you know - "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade", "Count your blessings, not your sorrows" - and a favorite of mine that helped me through my journey so many years ago, "Some people complain because the rose has thorns. Others are thankful that the thorns have roses." Jessica suffered so many setbacks through those last 4 years of her life, yet remained unwavered in her attempts to inspire and see all of the beauty that life itself offered.

And now, as I continue my attempt to move forward seeking my destiny through the difficult days of late, I remind myself of that which I already know. It is difficult to see the trees when you're standing in the forest or to see the big picture when you have but a piece of the puzzle...and yes, that elusive light at the end of the tunnel. But life is about choice and attitude. And I choose to fight and live. I choose to see the good that comes from the bad even when it causes destruction, for I know that the tree that stands in my path also gives shelter to the life beneath it. It is about choice...and we can choose to count our blessings, or prevent them from shining through our sorrows. During her struggle, Jessica reunited lives and friendships and brought people into my life, for which I am eternally grateful. She chose to find courage, and along with her strength, she encouraged others to do the same. She chose to look deeply within herself to find even more strength to continue her fight, time and time again, when it would have been just as easy to break...and give in...

So today I mark another month without my beloved child, yet it is her spirit that continues to inspire me, give me strength and help me go on. I am so painfully saddened and lost by what was taken from me, but thankful for what I was given and still have. God gave me 24 years to love and learn from Jessica and build memories to help me through these days...and I know that with time, the pieces of that puzzle will start to come together, allowing me to see that which is hidden beyond that elusive light...

When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1,000 reasons to smile...

In Memory of Alyssa...

2010-02-15T06:40:00.001-05:00

As the hard work and dedication of so many of our friends and family came to a close at The IFH Club a year ago today, another family learned of the tragic death of their 17-year old daughter, Alyssa Emrich, who's life was lost on the slippery roads on Rt. 11 on the evening of February 15, 2009. Another child taken from this earth much to soon...leaving yet another unimaginable void in the hearts of so many...

Paths cross and lives entwine in many peculiar ways. These two young ladies never met while on earth, yet a date stamped on a calendar connected them in time, and as their bodies lay so close to one another at Tod Homestead Cemetery, I can only believe that God has brought them together in eternity for some greater good.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the Emrich family as their first year has come full circle.

Written with love...

2010-02-14T09:27:00.011-05:00

Shortly after Jessica died, a very good friend of mine kindly warned me that "it will get worse before it gets better". Of course at that time I thought there was no possible way...

I was wrong.

Until we lost Jessica I considered myself one of the lucky ones. I had never really experienced a tremendous personal loss in my life as my parents, in-laws and "family" are still with us. So unknowingly at the time, when Jess died I went into shock mode and with so many friends and family surrounding me the true grief did not surface as quickly as it might have otherwise. The time of year allowed us to seek solace outdoors and let our thoughts run in directions that kept our sanity somewhat intact. But life does go on...for everyone...and as contact is diminished, and expected, it allows that same sanity to run amuck. And as Fall turns into Winter, it gives us even more opportunity to let those winter blues become something more. And so - the thought of "it getting worse before it gets better" now becomes an even greater reality.

Which leads me to this: For whatever reasons, these last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. It has gotten worse and I can only pray that this is the peak before the plateau. I am often gently reminded that the first full year will be the hardest. It is. The "firsts" of so many things raise memories to levels not fully expected nor most times wanted. Looking back day to day, seeing the difference a year can make....from the happiness experienced such a short time ago to the heartache and tears that it brings me today.

One year ago we celebrated Valentines Day by setting up The IFH for the Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser. This year we are putting the final touches on Jessica's gravestone. From the hope of finding a cure to a long and happy life...to the memorialization of that same life. It does get worse before it gets better. And I know that this is not the end....

But today I want to thank everyone, friends and strangers alike, for the continuous love and support that you have given me to help me though my troublesome times. Deep in my heart I know that better days will come because even through this journey of late, there are days filled with joy. And I hope that in another years time, I can look back upon today and say, "what a difference a year can make", because I have made the choice to live as Jessica did. Even when the skys were filled with clouds of gray, she would see that silver lining peeking through and smile at it's sight. And as the heaviness of those clouds were lightened through the cleansing rain, our tears will cleanse our souls...so that we will be able to see the beauty of our world once again.

"Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you."

Comforting Thoughts....

2010-02-10T00:14:00.002-05:00

What if the brilliant, twinkling stars

that bring the dark night sky to life

are windows looking out of heaven?

And at the very moment

when we're wishing on those stars,

hoping that the loved ones we have lost are happy,

safe and free...

maybe they are looking

at those same stars from the other side,

making the same wish for us...

sending us all their love...

-Sharon Valleau (Hallmark)

2010-02-08T06:00:00.001-05:00

As I look back upon what I wrote just a short month ago, I wonder if I have really yet begun to find my inner peace or, if I am allowing Jessica to do the same. Yes, Jessica is with me. Every moment of every day. She is in my heart and in my thoughts and often I look to her in wonderment of what she would do or say to help me through any given situation. Life has not always been kind over the years and less so over the last as other turmoils have entered into or expanded within our lives, many of which Jess was also aware of. And now I find that I often look to her for the answers that I so desperately seek....but know do not exist...

And that is where my heartache begins....

My biggest hope of all time is that our souls will reach Heaven to find that peace which eludes us here on Earth. "Believe" is a word that has made quite an impact in our home, especially since Jess' Journey began. It's found within quotes that decorate our walls and inscribed on trinkets throughout our home...including Jessica's room. For years we believed that her cancer would be cured...from that very first diagnosis of "the most curable cancer" to the weight that was lifted off our shoulders after her transplants. And we believed when the mass shrunk after additional treatments and once again after the newest drugs became available. And even after all that failed, we believed that a donor would be found or that the new Clinical Trial would be the answer to our prayers. We believed. We had Faith. Yet no cure was to be found, no matter how hard we believed...but what we did find was an inner strength that would prevail above all, allowing us to continue to believe...and have hope...

I do sincerely feel that Jess is in Heaven...where else would a soul as precious as hers be? And as much as I wish that a part of her would be able to stay here and help guide me through my own trials, I anguish over the fears that lie in that same exact wish...that my needing her to be with me and help me here, will prevent her from releasing her earthly life and ascend to her Heavenly home and finally be at rest and fully at peace. The struggle is so deep inside of me at times..the strong desire to hold on to that part of her and keep her with me, yet at the same time wanting her to loosen my grasp to leave me behind and move on...forcing me to become completely aware that it is her love that continues to surround me and give me the strength to go on, with her in my heart... and to always, always...believe...

"Goodnight Miss Jessica...I love you."

Inspiration Jessica....

2010-01-10T14:19:00.003-05:00

Please take the time to visit a new website created by two of Jessica's best friends and their Team:

http://inspirationjessica.atspace.com/

We have also placed a link to the left under Jessica's picture.

"Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

2010-01-08T08:01:00.002-05:00

It has taken me six months and the bitter cold of winter, but I am learning....

In the early days of my grief, my comfort was found at Jessica's final place of rest. Knowing that her body lay peacefully beneath the carefully placed stone cross gave me solice as I was able to seek her presence and speak with her. But the beauty and warmth of those days gave way to the darkness of Autumn, and that same warmth that had preciously enveloped me then, was becoming much harder to feel. Now, with the Winter season fully upon us, that bitter cold which runs through my body as I struggle to find that same sense of peace at her grave, is leading me home...to her...

Yes. It has taken me six long months...yet only a blink of an eye in the realms of eternity...to finally teach me that Jessica is always with me, existing deeply within my broken heart, giving it strength to learn how to heal amongst the scars which will forever remain. No--I don't need a grave with a nameplate or her room with her treasures...her love is what surrounds me with every breath that I breathe. She was a part of me with her creation and now, with her death, she once again holds that light. Love does not die...it does remain long after our bodies are returned to the earth...and although it is said over and over to all who have lost, it truly is something that cannot be realized until we travel that lonely road that we hope to never tread upon...

Even in death she teaches, touches and inspires, as her love spills over onto our souls. And my gratitude will forever be hers...

Blessings for 2010

2010-01-01T00:01:00.002-05:00

It is now time to put 2009 behind us....both the good and the not so good. The year started out in such a positive manner but as we all know...life can change in an instant. The tragedy that fell upon our family when we lost our Jessica was felt by so many who were there to love and support us and each other and unfortunately, ours was not the only loss felt amongst "our family". Our love and support are extended as well, to those who's hearts have been broken as our own have, with the hope that they too, will be able to attempt to find a new normal within their lives.

A short year ago we were putting the finishing touches on the Marrow Donor Drive and making final decisions for the Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser. What a wonderful time we all had coming together to help Jessica and so many other lives in the process! I can only hope and pray that in 2010 we are able to do more good in her honor, thereby keeping Jessica's memory alive.

My wish for all who read this is to have a Happy and Healthy New Year with more love and peace in your days to come. May we all be able to "get through"our personal trials and help those who have helped us, and also to extend that same love and support to our old friends...and the new ones whom we haven't yet met.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow." -Maya Angelou

Merry Christmas Jessica...

2009-12-25T09:21:00.000-05:00

I've contemplated long and hard about how to commemorate this day. The sadness continuously surrounds us as we attempt to make this once loved Holiday, who's magic has been lost, special again...but now, with Jessica only in our hearts.

Jessica loved Christmas as much as we all did....and one thing she loved most about the Holiday was watching "The Christmas Story"....over and over and over and over.... And those who knew her well, know exactly what I'm talking about!!! That being said and with my deranged way of trying to keep this day on a "lighter" note as we attempt another "new normal", I'd like to mention some highlights of the movie...from Jess...for Jess...and for all of us...

The Leg Lamp (and FRAGILE)

Ralphie going down the tube after seeing Santa

The BB gun and "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"

The Snowsuit escapade

The tongue getting stuck to the pole

The Bunny pajamas

The dog stealing the turkey, leading to

The Chinese Christmas Dinner (and singing Christmas Carols)

Please feel free to post your favorite moments of the movie and share a quiet chuckle with Jessica...and all of our loved ones who have gone before us.

Merry Christmas everyone. As long as we have love and beautiful memories of those we've lost, we can have happiness within our days. No. It's not easy. But "it is what it is"...

Merry Christmas from Heaven.....

2009-12-24T18:24:00.002-05:00

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
with tiny lights like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away your tears,
for I am sharing Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sound of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
it’s far beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain within your heart,
but I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me loved ones, you know I hold you dear,
and be glad I’m spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year!

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory, of my undying love.
After all “Love” is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important, in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can’t count the blessings or the love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away those tears,
for I am sharing Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

(With special thanks to Joyce & Jim and John......)

Signs from Heaven

2009-12-09T11:38:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was more difficult than I had expected. As much as my heart does not have it's Christmas spirit, the Season is still approaching and I am attempting to help make it as normal as possible for those that I love.

Shopping after work brought me to places where reminders of Jessica and Christmas' past surrounded me....from the music we'd joke about, to her same pink with white polka dot robe that is still being sold at Macy's, to the memories of Christmas shopping at Kohl's after her transplant, which brings a different sadness to my soul...reminders that will continue to enter my thoughts...but not all of them are sad...

After Jess died, I saw an extraordinary number of butterflies and rainbows! I really can't remember ever seeing so many in one season before and they brought a smile to my heart each and every time they were around me. Last night we had some horrific winds so I decided to go to Tod and make sure that her grave was not greatly disturbed. All morning the sky was dark since the threats of rain and more winds were with us and as I closed the door behind me to get to my car the rain started to pour straight downward...and then the sky opened up with sunshine! Grabbing my camera (which I try to keep at hand since the deer incident) I got out of the car and was searching the sky when I saw it! There--in the northern sky--the very faint colors of a rainbow!!! But it's time was so extremely short, or I was that extremely shocked and slow, that as I went to capture it on film, it disappeared! But in that very instant I felt that we were being looked upon, and assured that life as we now know it, will be ok...

2009-12-08T07:15:00.001-05:00

Yet another month has gone by, again whether the hours of the days pass slowly or not. The heaviness in my heart, no lighter. The pain is my soul, no less. Tears still flow freely - perhaps in an unwavering attempt to cleanse some of the memories forever embedded within my thoughts of Jessica's final days.

And as this last month has come to pass, the Holidays are approaching quickly. Once the highlight of my year, I have come to realize that, although the possibility that last year could have been our final one together, I never actually believed that it would be. And now as "the day" gets closer, the fears are rising in me that this year too, could be the last one celebrated in the way that it will, with those that we love and hold close.

Jessica's grave has been adorned with love for the Holiday that will never be the same...for those of us who's lives have changed, but will continue on until it is our time to leave. We all have so much to live for and I am grateful for my family and friends who remind me of this. With the stresses of late it would be an easier thought to see life differently, but it was Jessica who fought with every breath of her being, and I must follow suit. She taught me well and I will honor her fight with that of my own.

2009-11-26T08:35:00.005-05:00

Today is the day that we all come together and "officially" give Thanks. Thanks for what we have and for those who share it with us. Thanks for what we have lost, but in turn, what made a difference in our lives. And Thanks for Life itself...

We all have a story to tell. That of love and loss, of good and difficult times, of those who helped us in times of need and those to whom we wish to give back. I am no different.

As I reflect upon these past years and especially the last six months, I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. Yes. Our family suffered a horrific loss for which we are trying our best to come to terms with...not unlike many of you. But as painful as these times are and have been, I thank God each and every day for having allowed us the privilege of having Jessica in our lives. She gave us so much and made our lives richer by just being in them. She taught us many life lessons, especially during her illness, which have enabled us to become a better person. She gave her love freely expecting nothing in return...and as I sit here in tears, missing her all with all my heart, I am reminded of everyone who has helped me in my attempts to find that "new normal" and I wish to thank you all for that. Friends and family have come forward to help me through this journey and strangers have given me encouragement and support, many of whom have traveled this road themselves.

So as you gather today with your friends and family, look around at each and every person at your dinner table and and thank God for all your blessings... No one knows what tomorrow will bring, so be grateful for today and for those who love you and share your life with you. And as I do this myself today, know that I think of each and every one of you...and with that thought a prayer of thanks will be said...

2009-11-18T21:42:00.002-05:00

I no longer pray for answers to questions that have none...I only ask for the strength to get me through each day...

2009-11-08T01:40:00.002-05:00

God saw you getting tired
A cure was not to be
So he put His arms around you
And whispered, "Come with me."

With tearful eyes we watched you
And saw you fade away,
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating
Your tender hands at rest,
God took you home to prove to us
He only takes the best.

At times it seems as though you just left us. But it is yet another month of loving you and missing you with all my heart. And as each day passes, we continue to celebrate all that you have given us during your short stay here with us.

Signs from Tod Homestead

2009-11-06T19:40:00.004-05:00

I guess that during times of grief we tend to look for comfort by way of "signs" from beyond, hopefully being sent from our loved ones. I am no different and I wanted to share these two recent ones with you.

Yesterday as I was on my way to visit Jess as I do most every Thursday, the clouds started to darken and the rain would come and go. Great I thought. Trudging over the spongy ground with umbrella in hand was not how I wanted our time to be. As I drove through the gates of Tod, I decided to go the long way around. In those few moments that it took and as I got closer to Jessica, the sky opened up with the most beautiful burst of sunshine!!! So yes! I took that as a sign that she was glad that I came to talk. She knew that I needed her, because as minor as this seems, it was time that was necessary for me, as I asked for her help with some aspects of my life.

Today after work I ran a few errands that put me near Tod again, and my van rather automatically went where it knows I needed to be. Another beautiful evening as the sun was beginning to set, casting shadows of nearby headstones upon her cross. Plants were watered as we chatted again and as I sat in the van afterwards I was amazed to see two deer coming from the area to the right of Jessica and just calmly frolicking by!! Now this had to be a sign for Uncle Mike!! You see, every time we would go anywhere with Uncle Mike (my sister Karin's husband) he would always tell us to look for deer!!! An avid deer hunter (or watcher as the case may be) we'd be looking with him and point them out if seen!! I dialed my cell phone to get the message to him and just continued to watch them playfully go further off in the distance! What a sight this was as I never would have expected to see deer in the area!!

My thoughts want to be in a place where Jessica is happy and letting us know what a wonderful turn that her journey has taken her. And the deer, most likely, are but a pawn in her laughter as she herself, is playfully letting us know that all will be well....until we meet again.

2009-10-25T11:24:00.001-04:00

"Each soul is a beautiful flower that passes from this earth...

only to bloom again in heaven's garden"

365 days...

2009-10-17T17:30:00.013-04:00

Me, Karin, Lori, Jessica and Stefanie at my Birthday Dinner with my new "bear friend" courtesy of the girls and the restaurant game room!! (I got a ring too!!)

Lori and Jessica helping me celebrate!...well actually, we all were!!

Jessica and Karin on the tram with me at the Cleveland Zoo.

It's amazing what a difference 365 days can make. One year ago today, I was starting to celebrate my "milestone" with my best girls! Stefanie, Jessica, Lori and Karin made my 50th birthday wish come true by sharing the evening with me at an Aurora winery after a really fun Birthday dinner, and then on the following day, indulging my childhood memories with a trip to The Cleveland Zoo and The Rainforest. As a child, our family made yearly trips to the zoo and although Stefanie & Jessica made their way to the Rainforest during a school field trip after it opened, this was my first visit into the realms of the Amazon after years of trying to con them into going with me! It was such a memorable weekend, made even more precious now, knowing that it can never again be repeated as such.

This year, the weekend began with a visit to my daughter's grave for a moment of thanks for all that she has brought into my life. And "my girls" are once again doing all that they can to help me transition into another year. I am so grateful for all of the love and support that I have surrounding me by so many, although grief and despair still seem to have me loosely within their grasp. I am assured that with time the pain that this emptiness has created will ease...again, I believe, as we learn to live our "new normal".

So I say thank you to all of my friends...for being you, and for helping me. And as the page of this chapter turns and the beginning of the next is written, say a prayer for Jessica, for me...and for all of us.

And to those who know, close your eyes as you "listen" to Louie sing "What a Wonderful World" and eat some cake!!! (sorry--not provided!!)

2009-10-08T08:18:00.003-04:00

Three months...90 days...and no - I won't allow myself to count the hours and minutes. But let it be said that Phileas Fogg managed to travel around the entire world in a mere eighty days. July 8th seems like a life time ago, as the last 30 of these days have not managed to quicken their pace whatsoever within my heart.

Since Jessica passed, I have shared some of my inner most thoughts with you. My love, my sorrow and some of my deepest pain have been revealed through my words. And the joy that has reappeared through the cracks of life have also been scripted within. But here today, as we place yet another dash on our individual timelines, is something that was written after Jessica died that came from the depths of another heart, and who has allowed me the honor of sharing their words with you and the world.

As most of you may know, we live in the small community of Girard, which is centered between the Youngstown and Warren area in Northeast Ohio. Although I have blogged in the past about the wonderful community support that we have received on Jessica's behalf, no one has said it better than "YanniBgoode", who's article also appears on our city's website. My profound thanks to "Yanni" along with our deepest gratitude.

Only in Girard

With apologies to the Rolling Stones, please allow me to introduce myself. I'm probably better known in Girard as 'YanniBgoode' so I decided to just keep that moniker here. Like Al Bundy, I'm married with children both of whom are proud products of the Girard School System. And frankly, if anyone cares to debate the quality of said system, I'll be happy to take the "pro" side and lay you ten points. But I digress as this is a subject for another piece. Regardless, we've resided in town for 35 years in two different homes, in two different wards. In other words, we stayed here because we wanted to. One reason is in the title of the entry. "Only in Girard" is a statement when accompanied by an eye roll for emphasis. You know, "I hear they're trying to put another landfill in town." "Only in Girard." Though this may be true, the naysayers often omit the fact that it's being fought tooth and nail by the administration and a citizen's group to which should be added, "Only in Girard".

Which brings me to my point.

As most reading this probably already know, a few weeks ago Girard lost a beautiful and courageous young lady of 24 to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It was a four-year battle but that cancer had no clue what it was up against. It not only had to deal with a young lady and her family who failed to learn the definition of "quit" but it also had to contend with a town that only knew how to stampede when it heard the word "help".

This particular "Only in Girard" moment started last winter. Hodgkin's Lymphoma is a rarely fatal strain of cancer especially when detected early and even more "especially" when the stricken is young. Both criteria were met in this case only it wasn't going away. Stubborn is way too nice a word for it. Gut stubborn it was. Chemo, radiation...the whole nine yards and she was still taking two steps forward and one step back.

The best chance for her was a bone marrow transplant but no match showed in the National Registry so the family decided to put on a donor drive of their own. Word of time and place spread but it was anyone's guess how many or few would show. After all, it would cost money and the procedure was a bit more painful than a pinprick.

You can imagine the surprise by all involved when hundreds showed up at the Girard Free Library to literally share their body. Friends, strangers, in-laws, out-laws...you name it and they poured in with their unselfish support.

Now, upfront I want to say that if there is a mass outbreak of acne in Girard, you can point a finger at this candy bar sale. These things sold like Willy Wonka's bars when he gave the lucky buyers a chance to tour his factory. Local merchants were selling out almost daily and better yet, it wasn't rare when fifty or sixty dollars was returned for a thirty-dollar box of bars. Brine's Pharmacy was nothing short of a re-ordering machine and the noteworthy thing there is that Paul has a wide variety of candy for sale there himself. He was not only offering the family a sales outlet, he was also sacrificing his own profits for the cause. Only in Girard.

Candy sales alone weren't about to raise the kind of money needed so the idea of a spaghetti dinner fundraiser was the next plan. Yet this could be an expense. Food, drink, a hall...ouch! But again, Only in Girard. The I.F.H. DONATED their hall, their kitchen, their members, and all the support that could possibly be needed. When thanked for it, Myron Esposito simply said, "Hey, this is what we do". God bless every one of them.

All the food and drinks were donated. There was a huge bake sale - the remnants of which was but a handful of crumbs. A raffle of scores of items donated by local merchants, professionals, and individuals alike provided an array of goodies and collectibles the like of which are seldom, if ever, seen under one roof.

By the time all was said and done, there probably wasn't a person in town that in some way, shape or form didn't participate in her fight.

Sometimes all the money, prayers, and outpouring of love can't defeat this despicable monster and, sadly, this was the case here. The agony of her loss is indeed profound but also is the legacy of her spirit, fight, and smile. If everyone who was touched by her during her too short life is a little better for it, what more could be asked for?

The bottom line? The next time you hear someone say, "ONLY IN GIRARD" followed by the requisite eye roll, just turn to them, smile and say, "You got that right, I tellya what"!

"Good Morning, this is God...I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help. So have a good day."

2009-10-04T19:11:00.007-04:00

(Sentiments sent to both me and Stefanie from Sandi on a beautiful card...in the hopes that we would have a good day. And we did. September 27, 2009)

I'll start with my final awakening of the night, although early in the morning, when the rain came down so fiercely that I knew this was no dream. Shortly thereafter Stefanie and Adam woke up too with all of us wondering if the Race would still go on. Of course, the only sure way to know was to show up, so we got dressed, had a light breakfast and set off a bit early to see what the day would bring. Into the car and with the wipers on Adam drove us to OSU's stadium while playing tour guide for my entertainment! Oddly enough, the closer we got to the stadium, the more the sky began to clear! Literally! Although only about a 20-minute drive, by the time that we parked the car, the sun was shining brightly and all the rain clouds had moved away! What a beautiful day it was turning out to be!

The Miracle Miles Race had a great turnout and Stefanie ran her best 5K time at 26:34! She didn't give me and Adam much time to chit-chat at all!! We then had a great Birthday Dinner at O'Charleys before I left for home. It was all a wonderful new way to celebrate Stefanie AND Jessica's day and now I will tell you why...

Stefanie and Adam have a very cozy 1-bedroom apartment in New Albany and when it's only me staying there, I sleep on the comfy (yes, really) couch. And it was on that couch, at 3:41 a.m. on this day, I woke myself up crying...something I can't ever remember doing before. I don't even know exactly why I was crying...but I was... Slowly I drifted back to sleep and I had dream after dream about Jessica...the happy, healthy and vibrant Jessica! She didn't speak and I don't know what she was actually doing, but her face was so happy and she looked like the picture of health. She was laughing and smiling as if she didn't have a care in the world. I was amazed and thrilled to see this side of her again and my heart had a happiness in it that hasn't been there for quite some time. I knew that I was dreaming, and as I felt myself waking up I inwardly pleaded for more time with her. And then it happened. As I lay stretched out, I felt a pressure bearing down off to the side of me at the center of the couch. Thinking it was Zoey, who usually sleeps with her mommy and daddy, I called to her and went to pet her and pull her closer. But Zoey wasn't there! hhuummmm...strange... and off I drifted once more - and as I did, I felt it again....but it was more of a presence now along with that pressure, and at that moment an overwhelming calmness came over me and I knew without a doubt that this was Jess' spirit telling me that everything would be ok. She was fine and celebrating in her new way...just as we would be fine and celebrating in our new way. Yes, God would be handling all of our problems today. She was just letting us know it ahead of time....

2009-09-27T00:02:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday to my angel in Heaven and my angel here on Earth. You are both loved by so many and you are always in our hearts...especially in mine. I love you.

2009-09-26T08:01:00.002-04:00

To both of my girls, with love, on the eve of their 25th Birthday-

Tomorrow will be Jessica’s first Birthday in Heaven. It will also be Stefanie’s first Birthday without her sister and best friend. What was always a joyous celebration in these last 24 years with my two youngest treasures, will now be a celebration for Stefanie and her future and for Jessica and all that she has given us in the past. Life is so different since Jessica died and I miss her terribly. We have been told by many that the “first year” is the most difficult and with what little time has passed, I concurrently agree. So many changes are taking place as we learn to adjust to this “new normal” and in my heart and as difficult as it is, I know that Jessica would want us to move forward the best that we can. We will always love her and remember her just as her love will always surround us, and it is with that love that I continue her Forum on this blog.

But now I would like to take a new approach in my personal quest for healing. When Jessica died, my wish was not to mourn her passing, but to celebrate her life! This is still my wish…and I feel that in order to properly carry this on I need to refresh my thoughts to also include other aspects of our, and Jessica’s lives that continue to include her, most notably, tomorrow. As Jessica enjoys her day with the Angels, Stefanie will be running a marathon to help the youngest of them here on Earth. A 5-mile run/walk titled “Miracle Miles” which will benefit Nationwide Children’s Hospital and The Children’s Miracle Network will be how we celebrate September 27 this year as we watch Stefanie cross the finish line in a “first” for her! Never being a runner herself, I expect that Jessica will be with us on the sidelines cheering her sister on! Yes, we are learning to live life without Jessica’s physical presence because no matter what we do or what we say, absolutely nothing will change this reality. So maybe we need to learn to change the way that we live. New normals…new traditions. All to include our beloved Jessica…even if only in our hearts.

So to Stefanie I say….Happy Birthday my love. We will make this a truly wonderful day as we all hold your sister close to us, as always. And as much as you yourself have helped others throughout your life, you are showing your willingness to carry on this particular tradition that you unselfishly share with Jessica’s spirit. Yes, it will be a good day. Jessica wouldn't want it any other way.

2009-09-26T07:56:00.002-04:00

A Birthday in Heaven - by Kris Smith

I heard you crying yesterday

And felt your heart-sent love

So I'm sending you this message

Now, from Heaven up above.

You're wondering if I'll celebrate

My birthday (way up here)

I know you're missing me today

I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me

He told me with a wink

He'd ordered me a special cake

(It's Angel food, I think)

I'm getting lots of hugs from God

He's really good at that

And every time that I walk by

He gives my head a pat

Balloons will fill the streets for me

They float up through the clouds

And we have lots of clowns up here

That make us laugh out loud

There is a birthday carousel

Jeweled horses ride the wind

With music playing oh so sweet...

The magic never ends

I've made so many friends, you see

We laugh and play and sing

We ride our bikes and play jump rope

And sleep in Angel's wings

We'll have our cake and ice cream

And open gifts, surprise!

But we don't blow out our candles here

Instead, they light the skies

Today is a beautiful day....

2009-09-12T15:53:00.007-04:00

...in as much as there are puffs of white clouds filtering the brightly shining sun with the temperature in the mid 70's. The breeze is mild which gives the cemetery a calming effect and thus allowing the chirping of the birds to be heard. Just recently on a day much like today I sat upon "my" grave which is next to Jessica's. I had an overwhelming urge to lay down and "try it out" when a car pulled up for someone to visit nearby. Not wanting anyone to think that I had completely lost my marbles, I chose not to give in to this trial run. When I told my dear friend Sandi about my day, she at first thought that I really was a little out there, but then she came up with a totally different prospective of which I did try out today. As much comfort that I do find at Tod, I am always looking down...down as I speak to my daughter, down as I tend to her grave. And as beautiful as the cross that John made upon it is, and along with the colors of the flowers that surround her are, I am looking down at the ground. The dirt and the stones. And the knowledge that deep beneath all this lies my wonderful, beautiful daughter. Under this massive cold dirt. So today I looked up as I would should I be laying next to her! I saw that bright sky and the billowy clouds and pictured my Jessica up there, in Heaven. And now in my mind I could see her! Not in the ground fast asleep, but now, smiling brightly down upon me and letting me know that she really is all right. And I will be too. One step at a time.

2009-09-11T13:59:00.001-04:00

Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all.
- Taken from "The Spirit of Hope"

2 Months Missing You, Remembering You, Celebrating You..

2009-09-08T11:37:00.002-04:00

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

---Albert Einstein

September 8, 2009

2009-09-08T07:38:00.007-04:00

Two months. I look at the calendar in amazement that it has only been two months. Although there have been days where the hands of time have moved quicker than my thoughts have, there have been more of them where the seconds of each minute have done little more than crawl by.

My mind is still adjusting to the cold hard fact that Jessica is not on an extended trip. And there are still those times when I go to her room with a hopeful anticipation of seeing her asleep in her bed or getting ready for her day. But she will not be home tomorrow or in the days to come and her room's quiet character remains as it was with picture upon picture adorning her walls of family and friends whom she loved...all showing her happy and smiling and enjoying her life with us. Time itself has stood still in her room but in a much happier place. And now there is no possibility of another earthly trip for Jessica, but then I expect that up in Heaven her eternity is now one of a restful, leisurely journey!

Visits to the cemetery are a real comfort to me. I know that she is not there...only her body remains, yet talking with her in her final place on earth helps me to heal. And as the angel on her grave sits in a restful pose, I imagine that Jessica too has that same kind of peace surrounding her. I look back over the last four years and all that she endured, and I can only say that no one deserves that peaceful rest more than she does. Peace. Rest. Tranquility. All that is good and full of love and comfort, I wish for my daughter for whom I can now give nothing else.

Whenever a rock was thrown in Jessica's path over the years we would always tell each other, ok, we'll adjust to this "new normal" and we did that more times than I care to remember. We'd "go with the flow", because you "gotta do what you gotta do", "because it is what it is", yadda, yadda, yadda.... And now, here I am, doing my best to accept this "new normal".....but it's without her and there is nothing even remotely normal about this path. The ache in my heart is as consuming as it was when she left us...the void in my life just as large.

Please know that I do accept this reality that has been thrust upon our family, yet that makes it no easier to mask the pain. Life does go on as we all know. Who among us has not felt this same kind of emptiness or known the fear of continuing onward without that one special person by our side? I cannot believe that Jessica would want our lives to stop because she was called away. God's journey for her ended so much sooner than any of us ever imagined. But her work on earth was completed and she was called Home. As Edgar Guest wrote in the beginning of To All Parents, "I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine", He said. "For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead. It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three, But will you, till I call her back, Take care of her for Me? She'll bring her charms to gladden you, And shall her stay be brief, You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief." And memories we have. So many, many wonderful memories of a beautiful young lady who gave so much more than she received, and no matter what life threw her way, she loved us, taught us and made us feel that it was, and always would be ok...with that beautiful, heartwarming smile....
The above poem ends with: I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done! For all the joy thy child shall bring, The risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may, And for the happiness we've known Forever grateful stay; But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes And try to understand.

And yes, we are trying to understand....

But one thing that I have learned is that I am a better person by having had the privilege of helping Jess through her journey and for being given the opportunity to love her all her life and help care for her throughout it. Believe me when I say that I would do it all again in a heartbeat without any hesitation. I know that the day will come when living again becomes an easier thing to do because we all still have so much to live for. And when our work here is done, then we too will be called Home. And not a moment before. So for now it's one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. No more, no less...and that's ok, because I know that Jessica is now helping me get through this new journey that we're all on...

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

2009-08-19T21:04:00.003-04:00

"Life is less sweet and death less feared"
In six weeks time, this phrase has taken on a new meaning for many, as our hearts ache no less now...

2009-08-12T08:09:00.003-04:00

Today would have been Jessica's 4th Cancerversary. Four years since her personal nightmare began as we could do little more than walk beside her. At that time we expected the years to be counted down with anticipation, with each passing year a step closer to her prize of "CURE". Even in the bad times, we had hope as we celebrated each August 12th. Dinner and drinks to mark the BC/AC (before cancer/after cancer) timeline. And we would find a renewed hope and optimism as we laughed and joked and always expected that the next celebration would finally be the one that would set her "cancer free".

This year there will be no dinner. And for Jessica there will be no pain. For four years she endured all that came with cancer and it's treatment. Now it is our burden as we feel the pain as we continue our attempts of putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe today she'll look down upon us and give us renewed optimism as we reflect upon the way that she lived her all too short life. Because that's what she did, even in the worst of times...always giving us hope, and love, and a reason to smile.

"For when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart. For every time you think of me, I'm right there in your heart."

2009-08-06T12:11:00.001-04:00

A wise man once said "Learn to write your hurts in sand and carve your blessings in stone."

2009-08-04T12:35:00.003-04:00

"Life begins when a person first realizes how soon it will end." - Marcelene Cox

I found this to be a very thought provoking quote that perhaps we could all learn from. I believe that we all, especially now, realize how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away. One of Jessica's favorite quotes sums it all up:

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's Heaven on Earth." -Mark Twain

An Angel Walks Beside Us

2009-08-01T21:35:00.004-04:00

Angels live forever far beyond our days on earth,
and every soul receives an angel guardian at birth.
Invisible, these angels never leave us, day or night,
They know our fears and whisper, "Things are going to be all right."
They give us strength and purpose, keep our hope and courage strong,
they fill our minds with wisdom and our spirits with a song.
And when the time in this world come to reach our journey's end,
our angel walks beside us like a kind, familiar friend.
And as we leave behind the only place we've ever known,
we see our angel's smile at last and hear "You're home...you're home."
-Author unknown

In Rememberance...

2009-07-25T09:00:00.014-04:00

It has been but two weeks since we buried our Jessica and at times it seems as though the wheels of eternity have gone so slowly that this tragedy happened so, so long ago....

I keep reminding myself that God gave us four years with her that "could not have happened". Had her cancer layed itself within her chest as it did this time, our sorrow now could have been but a past memory. We were lucky. We were blessed. Especially in these last four years, Jessica touched more lives than many of us will ever do in a lifetime. Her courage and strength were inspirations to so many, her love for her friends and family just as strong. And her smile. The one thing that so many people remember about her. Through it all, she somehow managed to smile and make us all feel that everything was ok. Even when it wasn't.

Yes, our hearts are heavy. There are times when I feel as though this weight won't allow me to live again, yet I know that she'd be saddened by this grief. And I know that this grief is all but a part of life. I know in my own heart that she still lives within us all and I know that we have to "get through this, not over it" and that time will ease our pain. But I miss her. We all do. I miss her warmth, her presence, her love, her smile......

The outpouring of love and support that our family has received since her passing has been overwhelming. There is no way to adequately thank everyone for their encouragement in helping us to let life go on as we remember Jessica.

Many of you have gifted us with stories of Jessica and how she embraced your life. These have been of great comfort to us and we would be honored to have them as a keepsake. Please be inspired to share more of these stories with us. I encourage you to either post them on this blog, or if you would like them kept private, email to JessandChrisZifchak@yahoo.com or mail them to our home address: 214 E. Second Street, Girard, OH 44420

We thank you for loving our child and sister as we did and for helping to make her life as special as it was. There were times when she was afraid that people would know her as "that girl with cancer" instead of "Jessica". She never wanted anyone to feel sorry for her. She never felt sorry for herself, so why should someone else? She lived her life the best that she could and was able to scratch off a lot of items on her personal "bucket list". And she did it all with such grace and dignity. We should all be so lucky....

Do Not Weep

2009-07-13T19:08:00.004-04:00

Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift upflinging rush,
Of quiet birds circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night,
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.

In Memory of our Beloved Jessica
September 27, 1984 - July 8, 2009

Plans are under way.

2009-07-06T16:09:00.007-04:00

As of now (4:00 p.m.) the surgery will be tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
Extra prayers are welcome!

ooopppsssss...changes have been made...surgery will now be at 9:00 a.m. which is a lot better than 3:00 p.m.
And thanks to everyone for those prayers!

On the highway of life, expect delays...

2009-07-06T11:43:00.006-04:00

Today was to be the beginning of the last leg of our trip to Hotel Forum, but a detour came about when Jessica's white blood count jumped from a "too low to do the pericardial window procedure safely", to a "too high to do the pericardial window procedure safely"! In addition, she's developed a bit of a fever and is being given more antibiotics for that. So nothing is scheduled as of yet but that can change at any time.

On Saturday Jess had another CT scan done, for the lung doc's to clearly see how much fluid remains there, the heart doc's for the same reason of the heart and the surgeon to see exactly what he's dealing with when the surgery does take place. Update on the tumor - no change. I see that as a very positive sign. Although only one chemo has taken place, and for the rate that the tumor has grown in 3 months - this means that in 2 weeks time it did NOT grow at all! This is a great thing!!

So please keep the prayers coming! Even with the bumps in the road, they are surely doing a wonderful job!!

Did we cross too many??????

2009-07-02T14:26:00.007-04:00

This journey of Jessica's has not been an easy one and she gets "tested" time and time again. And now, once more.

Our hopes of being released this morning were dashed after the cardiologist examined the echo cardiogram and found that she does indeed, have fluid around her heart. The heart has a lining surrounding it and this fluid is trapped therein. Antibiotics cannot help in this instance - surgery will be needed. Often times, a needle is inserted and the fluid drained. This is not a good option for Jessica since in all likelihood, it will only become trapped again. What will be done is to surgically create a "window" in the lining so that the fluid can drain as it accumulates. But nothing can be done at the moment since Jess' white blood count is too low to do anything invasive unless absolutely needed....and although this will be done, it should be able to wait until her blood work is more normal and less risk of infection.

...fingers AND toes....

2009-07-01T16:51:00.006-04:00

We are still here but if all goes according to the latest plan, Jess will be home and maybe even thrilled about my cooking, for a change!!!!

Jess' heart rate has been (and still is a bit) high. A number of reasons can cause this but since the heart rhythm is good, there should be no major concern. But to be on the safe side, Dr. Tareshawty ordered more fluids (slight dehydration) and an echo cardiogram. Thankfully, what has been interpreted so far, does not show any fluid around the heart although the heart doctor will look at the actual films and make a final report. The lung doctor said that there is some fluid in both lungs but not enough to consider draining. She does now have "thrush" for which another antibiotic has been ordered. Jess has had this a number of times before as it is quite common with low blood counts. She actually knew she had it before the doc's told her.

So that being said, Dr. Tareshawty expects to release her tomorrow, because.....there's no place like home.....

...keeping our fingers crossed...

2009-06-30T12:59:00.005-04:00

I was hoping to give an update from home today but as it stands, Northside Hospital, Room 1510 has the Zifchak name on it for at least one more day....

Last week we expected that Jess would be checking out of "Hotel Forum" over the weekend, but her lungs had other ideas. Although she'd been feeling better than when first admitted, chest x-rays revealed more fluid buildup. There are a number of reasons for this to happen and no one was surprised by it, but we didn't expect to see the amount that they gave. This time, the left lung produced 1,500 cc's and the right 1,300 cc's. Yes. Those numbers are correct. Picture a liter bottle+ per lung.....

Chemo last Tuesday went well all in all.....pain meds and antibiotics helped considerably and IV fluids were given around the clock to help flush out her system, especially the kidneys since these drugs are very hard on them. But her body got greedy and kept too much and by Thursday she carried an extra 12 pounds. Drugs were given to counteract the retention and by Saturday 10 of those pounds were expelled. The lungs were drained on Saturday and Sunday and by Monday an additional 11 pounds were lost. (When she was admitted, she weighed about 6 pounds more than normal to begin with.)

Although no new ultrasounds have been done since Friday, we're hoping that the clots are responding to the blood thinners. Jessica's arm is still swollen, but it's nowhere near the size it was before! Thank God! And speaking of Him, Sister Lois from the Dioceses has been stopping by on the days she's here to see and pray for Jess. Yesterday she commented on how she'd love to take Jessica around to see the other patients because her attitude is such an inspiration and with all she's been through she is still smiling. That's our Jessica!! Once again showing her strength and fortitude!! She is truly one amazing young lady!!

Jessica's appetite has been getting back to normal and she's feeling a lot better these days (she's starting to clean this place!), but the chemo dropped her white blood count very, very low and her oxygen saturation and heart rate are not quite where they should be.....so we're keeping our fingers crosssed that tomorrow all will be where it needs to be and we can change her address back to Second Street!

"When the walls came tumbling down....."

2009-06-25T13:18:00.011-04:00

I have the need to borrow this particular line from Def Leppard's song because it really has been feeling as though the "walls" are coming down around us.....

Jess hasn't been feeling all that great since before Easter Sunday, when we had our "first" ER visit to Northside Hospital. She had all the same symptoms that she had when she had pneumonia. But they said she had a virus, treated her for that and sent us home. Then in mid-May, another Sunday visit to the ER since she had great difficulty breathing and a lot of chest pressure. This time she was diagnosed with bronchitis and given antibiotics. One round of them did not take care of her issues so a second was ordered. Still, only minimal relief. About a week later we called Dr. Knight. Jess was still not feeling better. He ordered a chest x-ray which now revealed fluid in both lungs whereas the second ER visit only showed fluid in one. A different kind of antibiotic was ordered since the previous one was obviously not working. It gave her a bit of relief but she still didn't feel "good".

As Father's Day approached, Jess was once again feeling worse. The family came over on Saturday to celebrate but she mostly observed. Sleep was getting difficult again and the pressure in her chest was coming back. And then, when Jessica woke up on Sunday morning, her left arm was swollen from the shoulder down to her fingers and the color of her arm was a reddish/purplish shade...definitely not normal. I spoke to the on-call doctor from The Hope Center who told us to go to ER....it could be a vascular problems, so Northside Hospital was once again graced with Jess' presence.

After blood work, CT scans, x-rays and an ultrasound, we were given more news to deal with than we ever could have expected, and Jess was admitted into the Medical ICU. The swelling is a vascular problem. She has two blood clots. One in the left jugular and another in a left side vein which is blocking blood flow in her arm. She was put on heparin, a blood thinner, and also on oxygen to help with her breathing which was quite shallow. She also had large amounts of fluid in both lungs which have since been drained. 850 cc's came out of the left lung on Monday, and on Tuesday 875 cc's were drained from the right. Needless to say, she was able to breathe so much better even after the first lung was taken care of.

But the most devastating news we received on Sunday was about the original tumor that lies within Jess' chest, apparently with an indestructible shield surrounding it. The treatment over the last year+, as evidenced by her CT scan in March, had shrunk the tumor down to a very manageable size from it's original 13 cm of August, 2005. But now, in the course of less than three months, it has managed to regain it's strength and grow larger than ever and reverse its course. It was no longer laying vertical, but now in a horizontal fashion right on her lungs and also right over the other main vein that leads into the main artery the heart....the danger here being that the tumor could compress that vein and stop blood flow to her heart. The tumor is also responsible for the fluid in her lungs since it is blocking the area between her lungs and chest wall and therefore, trapping it within.

And now, we sit in that pile of rubble from the wall that was protecting us all from this cancer.

Jess is still here at Northside, but out of ICU since Tuesday, and we're hoping she'll be home this weekend. Her blood clots are being monitored and and the heparin should be keeping any new ones from forming. The lungs are currently clear and a plan is in place for the cancer. Jessica started a new chemo this past Tuesday here in the hospital. She will be getting treatment every week (at the Hope Center) until this nuisance is under control. By then, I expect that her team will have a plan in place to destroy it, hopefully once and for all.

You see, we have God, and the doctors who do His work on our side, and they are all working very hard to get Jess well so she can recover from yet another fork in the road. This Chapter has become a bit longer with the uneven pavement making the Journey for Jessica that much more difficult to walk upon, but there will be better days ahead. We just need to have faith and keep believing......

Two steps forward.....one step back....again...

2009-06-18T17:38:00.004-04:00

The long awaited call from the Cleveland Clinic came today. The news wasn't quite what we expected. When the trial first came about, we were told that it would be opening up June 1st. The expected scenario would be to have pre-testing done the first week of June with treatment starting the second week. When I contacted them last week to get another update, word was that paperwork was holding up the start date and that we would get a call next (this) week for our dates, and as promised, we have the news. "Officially" the trial is now open in Cleveland (good news)! Our new "team" is waiting for her clinic records and they will also need them from both OSU and Dr. Knight (bad news--waiting time). They will then fully review, although Meredith (our main nurse now) and I went over the open questions during the call (good news). A new biopsy will most likely be needed (good and bad news) since she has had chemo since the last one was done......THEN treatment can begin. Most likely scenario.....mid to end of July (disappointing news).

I'd like to think that maybe God has planned things this way on purpose...Jess has been battling lung issues/bronchitis since Easter Sunday. This too, has been two steps forward....yada, yada, yada and maybe she needs this extra time to heal. But we all just want so badly for her to be able to get things started and then hopefully, finally, get healed.

Jess, I know I keep telling you to hang in there and here I am telling you that yet again. But remember, as we look back there have been many, many times when that "disappointing moment" turned into that "blessing in disguise"....and I wouldn't be surprised if this was one more of those times. Just never forget that we are all hanging in there with you, and we're here to help lift you when you get tired. It's amazing what faith and love can do......Keep Believing......

2009-06-09T10:57:00.001-04:00

So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground. -Oprah Winfrey

On a personal note...

2009-06-02T12:54:00.002-04:00

Jess and I seem to be on a roll when it comes to the "poetry thing" for I've come across a beautiful poem (thanks Hallmark!) that made me think of Jessica and her strong spirit. I think that many of us will be able to relate to this as we face our own struggles in life. It is titled "A Message of Encouragement".

A mighty wind blew night and day,
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around...
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
they are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found, with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew."

Slow Dance

2009-05-29T16:43:00.004-04:00

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital .
It was sent by her doctor.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever
watched kids
On a merry-g o-round?
Or listened to
the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so
fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.

Do you run through each day
On the
fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your
bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through
your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so
fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it
tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see
his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good
friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call
and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance
so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened
gift...
Thrown away.

Life is not a
race.
Do take it slower
Hear the
music
Before the song is over.

always looking up..

2009-05-29T14:51:00.005-04:00

On my plane ride to Virginia, I started reading Michael J. Fox's book Always Looking Up. He is truly an inspiration and a role model for so many. I came across a quote that sums up exactly how I've felt since I began living my life with cancer...

"For everything this disease has taken, something with greater value has been given - sometimes just a marker that points me in a new direction that I might not otherwise have traveled. So, sure, it may be one step forward and two steps back, but I've learned that what is important is making that one step count; always looking up."

cancer might knock me down...but i'll never break..

2009-05-22T20:23:00.007-04:00

"there's always gonna be another mountain
i'm always gonna have to make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose

ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
it's the climb

the struggles i'm facing
the chances i'm taking
sometimes might knock me down
but no i'm not breaking.."
-miley cyrus, the climb

Life doesn't have a dress rehearsal. You only have one chance to live your best life...the life you've always dreamed of. If you hit a few speed bumps on the way, don't panic. Make the best out of every situation...even if you feel like it's an impossible task.

When I was diagnosed with cancer almost 4 years ago, I was completely blind sided and shocked. Little did I know that my whole entire life was about to change. My plans to graduate from college and begin my Nursing career were put on hold. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I made a decision to not let cancer define me.

I try my hardest to live a "normal" life, although to most people it's nowhere near normal. I'm a fighter and I believe in my heart and soul that my life isn't over...and I shouldn't live my life as if it were. I try to make the best out of each day and take advantage of the good days (or sometimes hours). Of course I have bad days, too...but I see life in a different light. I feel like cancer has taught me to see the more important things in life...and for this, I am truly grateful.

Cancer has not, and will never break me. These struggles might knock me down, but I'll get back up and be stronger than ever =)

2009-05-16T08:26:00.005-04:00

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain."
-Anonymous

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T11:39:00.003-04:00

We'd like to wish all the women in our lives a very special Mother's Day. You need not give birth in order to touch the lives of those you love as a Mother does and we have many honorary "moms, sisters and aunts" in our lives who have helped us over the years along with those who's families we were born into. We want to thank you now, and tell you how important you are and how much you are loved. We hope that you too, will tell the "moms" in your life the same.

"The Time is Now"
If you are ever going to love me, Love me now, while I can know
The sweet and tender feeling which from true affection flow.
Love me now while I am living, do not wait until I'm gone
And then have it chiseled in marble, sweet words on ice cold stone.
If you have tender thoughts of me, please tell me now,
If you wait until I am sleeping, never to awaken,
There will be death between us and I won't hear you then.
So, if you love me, even a little bit, Let me know it while I am living
So I can treasure it.
-Author unknown

To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine.....WAIT! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?!?

2009-04-30T17:02:00.009-04:00

As many of you may know by now, Cleveland Clinic called us on Tuesday, April 28th (Happy Birthday Karin) to tell us that a match was found for Jessica through the National Registry! Not just any old match, but an 8 out of 8 match! "OH MY GOD!!!", repeated incessantly, was pretty much all of our reactions! All we were told was that the donor was a 50 year old female who was just entered into the registry last week. Wow! Just like me!! We told the Clinic to go ahead and do their verification testing and see if the donor was available. Now keep in mind, a donor transplant is not an easy "fix" for cancer. There are many complications that can arise from this procedure and stats show that 30-40% of patients die due to complications from a transplant. Yes. There are many people alive and well because they were given a new chance at life from a transplant, but...there is that very promising Clinical Trial that is opening up in Cleveland at the end of May that Jess was planning on doing......ooohhhh....what to do.......

After doing our research and talking to Jess' doctors, we felt that it would be best to still go forward with the Trial. Keep this in mind: a transplant is not a guarantee for a cure. Not all transplants work. There are patients who relapse afterwards and then have to have more chemo to keep things in check. And once you have a donor transplant, you are no longer eligible for any clinical trials. So our thoughts were to enter the Trial, which can put Jess into a full remission and if the Trial should not work, then look into the transplant. Hopefully the donor would be willing to wait in the wings....just in case....

Forward to today. Thursday. I came home to find a message on my answering machine...from the National Marrow Donor Program of all people. The message was for me. I was asked if I was willing to be a donor for a 24 year old female lymphoma patient under a "hold for work up" status since they probably would not be ready to transplant for at least a few months! WOW!! I sure did wish that someone was home who could pinch me...coincidence????? Wait....This was all getting way too weird....

Phone calls were made to Cleveland and to the Program from me, to me, to each other - you get the point. Yes. The donor is me BUT I am NOT a match. I was typed through Cleveland when I was tested months ago for Jessica but both Johnny and I were only a 4/8 match. I got a copy of my results and gave them to the Program at Jessica's Donor Drive for the registry. The results show the patient (Jess) and the person being tested (me) on the same page with both results listed. Apparently, the information was entered into the Registry with my name and personal information BUT with JESSICA'S results. Human err. And what a doozey this err has been.

So through a cruel twist of disappointing fate (i.e. human error) the decision has been made for us as far as which road to choose. That shred of hope that I had those months ago of being the perfect match for my daughter did come true for that one moment today. It felt good. Really good. And it'll feel a whole lot better when I hear that she's really on her way to being cured!!

Please keep praying for Jessica. I know that God is listening but maybe the channel is just not clearly tuned in.

Here we go again....

2009-04-24T12:24:00.002-04:00

...with the "hurry up and wait" mentality!

Yesterday we got word that the Clinical Trial will not be opening up in Cleveland until the end of May. Dr. Pohlman does not feel that the wait will harm Jessica, but it still feels like we are once again sitting on pins and needles! There's not alot of information out just yet, but what we have is encouraging. The drug seems to be well tolerated, so any side effects should be no worse than what she experienced on the Navelbine/Rituxan, most notably low blood counts. It is given every three weeks (in Cleveland) and can be given up to 16 times. They have their "facility initiation" the end of May, then pre-testing would take place with the first infusion taking place approximately the second week of June. We have been assured that if Jessica decides to do this, she can stop treatment at any time if she chooses to.

Hopefully, this will all be in the "good things come to those who wait" program! So keep sending those prayers our way! If this was six months ago, our options would have been limited, with this Trial nowhere near Ohio. I'd like to think that there's a reason for everything and the way things have played out in the last few months, I'm even more convinced that GREAT things are right around the corner!!

My Hero =)

2009-04-20T19:02:00.007-04:00

Happy 20th Cancerversary, Mom!!!

What an amazing milestone! I'm so proud and lucky to call you my mom. You're such an inspiration to all who know you and you give hope to so many people who are still in the fight to beat their cancer for good! Your words and story bring strength and courage to everyday lives. A beautiful 30 year old wife and mom with 3 young girls (Stef & I were 4 & Nicole was 7) was given the devestating news that she had Stage II Breast Cancer. You fought like a true champion & won! You were, and continue to be the bravest person I know. I love you very much, and thank God everyday that I have you here to help me become a survivor just like you!

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." -Eleanor Roosevelt

How time flies......and then some.....

2009-04-20T08:37:00.005-04:00

Today is my Cancerversary. Twenty years, Breast Cancer, Stage II. I've waited a long time to say "twenty" in front of this event, yet somehow, now that it's here, the word has lost it's luster.

Year after year on this date I thank God for allowing me more time with my family, to be able to watch my children grow into wonderful adults and to just enjoy life. But as grateful as I am, I've become angry. Not angry about what has happened to Jessica, but angry that her August 12th celebrations are but a date in time which marks the beginning of her cancer journey....not a date allowing her to look back in amazment of what she is able to put behind her, as I have done. She still lives, and relives, the events that continue to haunt her young life. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Stage I. Most curable cancer...yada, yada, yada.

But today I will thank God once again for allowing me to be here to help my daughter through her journey, to watch in awe as she gains more strength and deeper courage with each passing year, fighting harder with time so that when she reaches her "twenty", there will be a true Celebration. And I hope God allows me to be here for that!

Stay strong Jessica. We're all praying for you and I know that Victory is close at hand!

Thank you to all my friends and family for your thoughts and well-wishes for this day. You all mean the world to me. And special thanks to Stefanie & Adam and Jessica & Justin for planning my "surprise dinner" celebration when everyone was in town. What a page for "my memory book"!! Jackie--think of a title!!

And Happy Birthday to Walt and to David on this great day!

Decisions, decisions, decisions.....

2009-04-15T12:52:00.005-04:00

Finishing college, building a career, looking forward to making a life and future with the one that you love. These are the decisions that a 24-year old should be making, not "the best course of treatment to put my cancer into remission" dilemma. Yet this unfortunately, is the weight that has been placed upon Jessica's already burdened shoulders when we met with Dr. Pohlman at the Cleveland Clinic yesterday.

There are a few encouraging options to be looked at, including a Study that will be opening up at the Clinic in May. We are awaiting more information on this Study before a final decision is made. Dr. Pohlman feels that there is no "extreme" rush for treatment, so a few weeks wait for the Trial is not out of the question.

Regardless of Jessica's choice, I am sure that she knows that we are all "in her corner" with our prayers and support for whatever decision she makes. She is, by far, the strongest young woman that I have ever had the honor of knowing and I am extremely proud to be her mom and to be a part of her life. She has, once again, shown more strength and fortitude than many people twice her age. You go Girl!! I love you.

Thanks for Helping!!!!

2009-03-31T20:58:00.003-04:00

A new Wisconsin friend, John Cole, sent me this flyer! How wonderful are these people! Not only are they hosting a Donor Drive tomorrow, April 1st, but they are getting Jess' story out in the process!!! Thank you to everyone involved!!!!

And down it came.....

2009-03-31T16:14:00.010-04:00

Sometimes I think that "good news" isn't a term in our vocabulary unless it falls along side the "good news / bad news" heading. And I keep hearing that God does answer all of our prayers, just that it's not always the answer that we're looking for. Well, I am starting to think that His sense of humor could use a little working on!!

Dr. Knight gave us the news last Friday and we met with him yesterday. Good news is: the CT scans of Jess' neck, abdomen and pelvis showed no change. Bad news is: the original mass in her chest has grown. Again. While on chemo. The shoe dropped.

As you know, we still haven't found a donor for Jessica. And now we know that the Navelbine and Rituxan have stopped working. We knew this day would come sooner or later. Once again, hoping for later.... Chemos from the past could be in her future but Dr. Knight wants us to confer with our guy in Cleveland, Dr. Pohlman, for any other thoughts. We've discussed a few options and once we take the trip we'll update the scoop. It's not set up yet, but we're hoping to see him by next week. (Note: Appointment is set for Tuesday, April 14th)

So dear Friends....as always, we accept prayers from all faiths!! Please keep them coming, and God---I sure hope we're on the same page this time!!! ....sooner please.....

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle, I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." -Mother Teresa

Life isn't always about rainbows and fairytales...

2009-03-29T02:22:00.005-04:00

...sometimes it's just a big pile of sh*t!

For everyone who knows me, you know I'm a pretty private person...but I feel like now is a good time to express myself... (mom will be happy!)

First of all, I'd like to thank EVERYONE who helped make our Donor Drive and Spaghetti Dinner a huge success! I was overwhelmed and very excited that so many people came out to support me and my family! We've been through so much in the last 3 1/2 years and I'd just like to thank everyone who has said prayers & shown support for all of us.

Cancer not only effects the patient, but it effects their family and friends as well. I know I don't say this enough, but it's often in my thoughts...if I didn't have my family and friends, I don't know where I'd be right now. They have given me the courage and hope to stay positive and I'm so thankful for that. It's easy to give up and say it's too hard, but it takes so much more to fight and give it your all.

To my mom, my hero and bestfriend, stay strong and positive. This journey (as crappy as it is) has taught me more than I ever imagined. I wouldn't trade any of it because it has brought us closer than we've ever been. I love you and would be lost without you. If you ever need anything, come to me...I'm here for you always, and that won't ever change.

Over the years I've grown and have been taught so much. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned, and grateful that I've been lucky enough to be blessed with this knowledge.

I realize now that family is everything. Don't take them for granted...ever, because you'll regret it.

Don't sweat the small stuff. There's so much more to life than failing an exam or losing the game. Those things will work themselves out.

Think before you speak or act. Most of the time you'll hold back or rethink what you were going to say or do. Focus on more important things. Cherish the time you have with family and friends. Afterall, you never know when that can end.

Cancer has taught me so many lessons. I know that I'm strong enough to handle all of what life has thrown my way and I wouldn't have it any other way. But of course, I couldn't handle it if I didn't have all of you in my life.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you! You give me hope and reason to keep fighting, no matter how difficult it may get.

Hurry up and wait......

2009-03-24T18:55:00.006-04:00

Jessica had her CT scans done today. Neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis. With contrast. Again. This is a ritual we've come to expect about every four months with one of those rounds being a yearly PET scan. Sometimes we can breathe a little easier afterwards and at other times we cry, and in between each test date we pray a lot for yet a better outcome the next time around. You're afraid to be too hopeful yet unwilling to give in to despair. Back to that razor-sharp pendulum swinging over your captive body, slowing lowering itself....will it or won't it drop......

After Jess was diagnosed and going through her first scans after her chemo in 2006, I clearly remembered that dreadful feeling. I tried desperately to reassure her that these tests would get easier with time. Every "negative" result would give you confidence for the next time and so on and so on. After all, that's what happened in my world, and hers was the" most curable cancer" to have! Well...my words didn't mean much for long. And in the meantime we "hurry up and wait". You know the drill. Gotta get those tests done then wait for days to see which direction your life is headed in.

So here we are, living life from scan to scan and always hoping for the best, because sooner or later we've just got to get some really good news!! And sooner can't come quick enough.

A special "shoutout" to.......

2009-03-01T16:50:00.012-05:00

Although the Spaghetti Dinner is now but a page in our book, we'd still like to take this opportunity to perhaps give back in some way to those who gave so generously to us. No more can be said about our Committee that hasn't already been said! We, no doubt, had the best group of people ever working together for one cause. Everyone brought their talent to the table and we all, literally, meshed together. Thank you and may God bless you all for how you blessed us!

The IFH and their group of volunteers can certainly hold a candle to our team! They all gave of themselves and treated us like old friends as I hope we will all now be remembered!! Ray Ragozzine, Myron & Renee Esposito and all the guys (and gals) who helped make our day a success have a special place in our hearts! As Myron said, "This is what we do"...and they did. Better than we could have ever hoped for!! Their generosity and genuine love for people went beyond anyones expectations! Thank you all!

We all ate a wonderful dinner thanks to a number of people! Sam & Donna Santisi of Santisi's Institutional Foods (A Federally Inspected Portion-Control Facility) not only donated many items themselves, but helped us secure a number of donations, including the pasta from the George E. DeLallo Company. Santisi's sells to the public and they have a long list of products including fresh and frozen foods and dry groceries. Call them at 330-744-5061 and tell them that we sent you!! The meatballs also came from them and Alberini's Restaurant, Rachels Restaurant & Bar and Vernon's Cafe! The sauce was from Belleria Pasta & Pizza (Hubbard & Niles) and our bread was from Schwebels! Cakes courtesy of Lori Sajnozsky, JoAnne Perry and Sam's Club in Niles.

We were blessed with such a large number of donors and donations from many generous individuals and businesses alike. Special thanks to Michael Rotunno and Dr. Chris Knight and also to Big Family the World Pub, Chuck E. Cheese (Boardman) and Knightline Embroidery for their contributions. And a Big Thanks also go to Kelly "The Ghost" Pavlik, Zaratsian Builders, Inc., The Cleveland Browns Organization & Bobby Jones, The Cleveland Indians Organization, Olde Dutch Mill Golf Course, Komara Jewelers, Jack Carlton, Bob Hanley and Ruth Huntington for their gifts for our "Big Ticket" Chinese Auction.

Our Regular Chinese Auction of 117 items has many, many people to thank, more than our space allows at this time. We hope that everyone who gave of themselves so generously, by donations of gifts or of their time, knows how grateful we are to them.

Again, your love and support to all of us, especially over these last few months, means more than mere words could ever convey. Please know that your kindness is appreciated beyond belief and may God bless you ten-fold for all that you have done for us.

Love, Chris, Johnny & Jessica

Everyone's child....

2009-02-18T12:39:00.014-05:00

Sunday, February 15, 2009 was a day anticipated, yet bittersweet. An event we hoped would be successful, for a child in a dire situation.

We have so many people to thank for this extremely wonderful day! Our core team, who is listed to the left of this blog, worked effortlessly for a common goal and their hard work paid off as people came together from near and far to eat, drink and celebrate "our" child, Jessica! They were able to gather 117 baskets for the Chinese Auction and another 11 for the "big ticket" prizes to make many winning guests very happy! The generosity of those individuals and businesses who contributed is only a small piece in the story of this community, and we thank them all for their generosity.

Jeff Politano of Direct Mail Marketing & Mike Tarantino of Image Marketing got us started with mailers and flyers. Knightline Embroidery did a wonderful job with our "Jessica is Our Hero" T-shirts. And then Sam & Donna Santisi of Santisi's Institutional Foods in Youngstown really got the ball rolling with their extreme giving nature.

But before all that, Myron & Renee Esposito and Ray Ragozzine generously allowed us to have the event at The IFH Club! Not only that, but the best guys ever found in one Club took charge with the setup, cleanup AND cooking for the event! Our "family" grew ten-fold in a very short period of time!

Now any event would not be an event if no one came....and come they did.....as almost 900 people attended our Dinner to support our family, and to this we will be forever grateful! It truly was an amazing time! Laughter was abundant, the food was fabulous (thanks guys!) and everyone had a great time trying to decide which baskets to try and win!!! And don't forget the Bake Sale! We had so many donations and such a variety! Everyone could lay claim to being Betty Crocker for a day if they took some home!!

Throughout the day I kept using the word "overwhelming".....yet this is just not a strong enough term. The love and support that surrounded us all is something that will warm my heart as long as it beats. For as many people that came that I knew, they were just as many whom I did not. They came out for Jessica. And many had never even met her. But on this day she became "everyone's child" as they gathered with the hopes of helping her future become a healthy reality.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!

2009-02-16T06:33:00.002-05:00

Remembering Jimmy......

2009-02-10T07:23:00.005-05:00

Today is a somber day. I say this because it marks the anniversary of the day that our world lost a very special young boy, Jimmy Lucarell. Many people in Girard knew Jimmy and his family. His mom and dad, Jackie and Bill, and his older brother Billy have been a part of this city and our lives for many years. We met and became friends back when Jessica’s older sister Nicole was in kindergarten, as was Billy. Jimmy was the same age as Jessica and Stefanie and he soon developed a crush on Stefanie! Of course, she didn’t particularly like boys at that age but that didn’t stop him!! He was a kind and playful spirit who saw the world in a grown up way since he was forced by fate to do so. You see, Jimmy was diagnosed at a very early age with Fanconi’s Anemia, a rare blood disorder that is very difficult to treat, let alone cure. In his short life, he endured more medical tests and treatments than most of us would experience in a lifetime. Yet somehow, he still managed to be a kid and live life to the fullest. He played ball, loved to play the drums and continued to try to win the heart of Stefanie, even giving her (& Jessica) their first “Birthday Rose” so many years ago. He showed more courage and strength throughout those years than many adults could muster in a full lifetime. I attribute much of this to his parents, especially his mom, my dear friend. She too showed this same kind of strength as she became my inspiration. Throughout their “personal hell”, they still found a way to keep life as normal as possible. The “new normal” as we call it. Their fear, their heartache, their life of uncertainty…. These days I draw off that courage as we face our trials within our family. As any family who’s been afflicted by cancer knows, it is the family’s disease. The patient is the patient, but the whole family lives the life. They can gain strength from the disease or they can falter and let it consume them. The Lucarells chose the first option, as we all watched Jackie and Bill live every parents worst nightmare. First, the disease. And then Jimmy’s death... I have thought of Jimmy often over the years but especially over these last few. It seems so unfair when a young person has to fight so hard just to do and be as any other child. But life isn’t fair. Sometimes it just stinks. And no one knows that more than them. One of the last times that I saw Jimmy was at the kids Sixth Grade Banquet. He had been through yet even more treatment and the drugs were showing their effects on his body. I guess he knew that his time was limited and he told me he wasn’t afraid to die. Bravery at it’s very best. Then, on February 10, 1998 Jimmy lost his battle at the tender age of 13, and although his physical being was taken from us, his spirit, his strength and his courage live on. Jackie has told me that she feels that Jimmy is watching over Jessica and I believe that he is too. And I know that if he’s able, he’s putting his two cents in to “the man upstairs”, so that Jessica can have a complete recovery and continue his message of courage and fortitude. Thank you Jimmy – for allowing us to be a part of your life and for teaching us so much about how to live ours. We miss you, and we’ll always carry you in our hearts.

Our "Dinner email" sent out today.....

2009-02-09T14:50:00.003-05:00

Hello Everyone!

We wanted to give you an update on Jessica's Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser which will be held this Sunday, February 15th from Noon till 5:00 p.m. at The IFH Club, 33 West Wilson Avenue, Girard. We have posted directions to The IFH Club on her blog: Jessicazifchak.blogspot.com

Along with this great dinner, we will be having two Chinese Auctions. We are thrilled to tell you that we have been blessed with so many generous donations....over 80, yes, I really did say 80, baskets for our "regular" auction where tickets will be 1 for $1.00, 6 for $5.00 or 15 for $10.00. We've had such a great response from businesses and individuals alike and all of these gifts are just wonderful!! Wait till you see them! Truly something for everyone, adults, kids and even some pets, and we thank everyone who has been involved with this project, especially our hard-working committee members!!!

Our "big ticket" auction includes some really amazing items!! KELLY PAVLIK graciously signed some training gloves for us and we also have a CLEVELAND INDIANS baseball signed by VICTOR MARTINEZ grouped with an autographed picture of ERIC WEDGE. CLEVELAND BROWNS items include a signed picture of BRANDON McDONALD and a football by SHAUN SMITH! Don't forget the SEVEN-DAY VACATION CONDO donated by Zaratsian Builders, Inc. and a beautiful, signed and dated "CELEBRATE LIFE" hand crafted quilt by Ruth Huntington! There are also autographed pictures on plaques of Ken Griffey, Jr., Alex Rodriguez and Frank Thomas. Golfers will love the 2009 Green Fees donated by Olde Dutch Mill Golf Course and Komara Jewelers contribution is a beautiful Swarovski "Bear" Necklace. These tickets are $5.00 each or 5 for $20.00. All prizes will be awarded on Sunday will drawings starting at approximately 4:30 p.m. and winners DO NOT need to be present to win. Good luck to all!!!

And, we will also have a bake sale and candy bar sale to help calm that sweet tooth that we all seem to have!!

Tickets for the dinner can be purchased at the door at $6.00 each - kids 3 and under are free and takeout is available. Check our blog for contacts for advance sales.

Again, thank you everyone for all of your support both past and present. It's been a long and sometimes bumpy journey, but you have all helped to make the path alot smoother.

Hope to see you on the 15th. And bring a friend!!!

Love,Jessica, Chris and Johnny

Who's Hungry????

2009-01-27T12:58:00.006-05:00

The Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser is in full swing!!! Although we have posted "some" information , I'll try to condense it all here!! It will be held on Sunday, February 15th from Noon till 5:00 p.m. So if you're not taking your honey out to eat on Valentines Day, you can make up for it the next day!!! Tickets will be available at the door but we encourage advance sales. There's a full list of contacts on the left side of this blog with names and phone numbers. Call any one of us. Depending on where you live, we'll get you in touch with the person closest to where you are for your purchase! Tickets are $6.00 each with children 3 and under free. Ray Ragozzine along with Myron & Renee Esposito have most graciously allowed us to host this event at their club, The IFH Club, 33 West Wilson Avenue in Girard. It's directly off Rt. 422, just north of I-80 and south of Rt. 304. Turn West on Wilson and you'll see The IFH on the left. There's a large parking lot on the right. Go to the back of the IFH building for the hall. West Wilson is across from Charter One Bank located on the corner of Rt. 422 and East Wilson. Along with our dinner of pasta, meatballs, salad, bread & butter and cake for dessert (pop, water and coffee also included), we will have a bake sale, 50/50 raffle and LOTS of items for the Chinese Auctions!! Let's talk a little more about all this.... Sharon Johnston (330-953-0839) is heading the bake sale. If anyone looooveees to bake and would like to donate to the sale, call her. She said she would be willing to pick up any donations or if you are able to bake and deliver, she can let you know who's closest to you for that!!! Now. The Chinese Auction! We have many very generous businesses and individuals who have donated some wonderful items to our cause and especially during this difficult economic time, we appreciate each and every one of these gifts. Thank you. And along with our "regular" auction items, we will have some "big ticket" items! These include a 7-day condo vacation (no airfare or transportation included), a number of sports memorabilia, most of which are autographed, and a beautiful hand crafted quilt, signed and dated, by Ruth Huntington. We're working on a few other items that should be a great interest to many!!! We will post as they are confirmed.

When this event first got underway and we needed some advertising, Jeff Politano from Direct Mail Marketing (you know--the coupons in the envelope in the mail deal!) graciously offered to post our event on the outside of their envelope for the January mailing which was sent out to Girard, Liberty and Niles!! Thank you Jeff!!! It was a wonderful ad and alot of people have already told me that the saw it!!!

And hopefully, many of you have also seen the flyer that's been popping up all over thanks to the efforts of everyone on our team!!! Well, another wonderful gentleman, Mike Tarantino of Image Marketing, was the man behind the artwork!! He, too, donated his talents to our cause and we thank him very, very much. He and Jeff work together on many projects and we're grateful that they did on ours!! Thank you both again!!!

I think that about sums it up for now! Hope to see you all there!!!

Our many thanks go to:

2009-01-25T21:35:00.014-05:00

First, let us thank The Girard Free Library for the use of their Community Room, to KnightLine Embrodiery for the wonderful creation of our "Jessica is my Hero" t-shirts and St. Rose Church for publicizing our Drive on their marquee. Then of course, Jessica Cartagena of The National Marrow Donor Program who's been with us since Step 1. Also, to W.W. Heating and Air, Clear Channel radio and the following businesses for selling our candy bars and/or generous donations: Sandi's Mane Attraction, Girard Chiropractic Center, Steve's Auto Body, Pallone's Service, John's Barber Shop, Brine Pharmacy, Aqua Ohio, Margherita's Grille, Judy Lee's, American Auto Painting, Kuzman's, Pleasant Valley Church, McDonald FOP, Moccasin Flower Garden Club, Shannon's Unique Touch Salon, Atlantic Aviation (Pittsburgh) and TDDS.

Those who donated Gift Baskets include: Karen & Richard Carland, Darlene Marks, Scrappers Baseball, Warren Starbucks, Maria & Lucia Martuccio, Big Family - The World Pub, Open Me First, Dr. Peter Sforza, Morgan Furniture & Bedding, Steve's Auto Body, Dr. Gordon Byrne & Bruce Mellott, LMT, Magda Roth, Monica Pugh, Sam & Dahlia Pagano and Movie Gallery (Lori Ferreri).

And most of all, thank you to all of our friends and family who helped plan and who worked the event: Stefanie Hanley, Justin Carland, Karin & Mike Tatar, Lori & Rocky Ferreri, Stephanie Scarnecchia, Sandi Basciano, Steve & Magda Roth, John & Jean Zifchak, Jackie Lucarell, Sharon Johnston, Zak & Arin Steiner, Erin Meyer, Pat Hanley Maria Martuccio, Janeen Delgenio (& Matt), Karen & Richard Carland and Linda Morell.

I sincerely hope that I have not ommitted any names. If you know of anyone who is not listed that should be, please contact me so the error can be corrected. Thank you to everyone!! We could not have done this without the help from each and every one of you!!! YOU made this the success that it was!!!

Clarence got his wings.....

2009-01-25T20:25:00.006-05:00

The excitement of the Donor Drive is now a part of history and so we look forward to that of The Spaghetti Dinner!!! And who doesn't like to EAT!?!?!? But before we talk about that, let me reflect upon January 17th. Our family has many people to thank for making the Drive a huge success! For the last 3 months, many friends, family and businesses have helped us raise funds to cover the cost of testing, yet the majority of those who came generously took care of the cost themselves! This gives us additional dollars for upcoming expenses. Thank you all!!! Before the event, I wasn't really sure just what to expect. Of course, we were hoping for a great turnout. But just what is "great"? Jessica from the Marrow Program said that any number of people who are added into the Registry, would make it a great turnout! So I imagine that adding 183 (+60 mail-in kits) makes it exceptional!!! With the weather as cold as it was, we were afraid that could keep people away. How wrong were we!!! It was nearly a "constant busy" within the Community Room and we're told that the parking lot was full most of the time! Soooo many young friends of Jessica came to support her, and it was very nice to see these faces that have been absent for so long! And how about Valerie, my old high school bud, who I haven't seen in many years, who came with her husband to be tested and give us her support! Or our friends Karen & Jim (with kids Amber & James), from Kentucky, who surprised us (shock was more like it) for the same reason!!! And then there was Peggy and Larry from Pennsylvania, who we met during Jessica's first transplant as their daughter Nikki was also undergoing the same. And yes, Nikki is doing very well, thank God!! There was also the man with no ties to our family who came with his three young sons, two of who have also had transplants, and who knows what we are going through.... sooooo much support from so many people. I think we kind of felt like George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life, who never quite realized how his life intertwined with so many others, or was aware of the love surrounding him...untill the "need" was called upon..... There are more stories to tell from this day and if anyone has one to share, please do. We would love to hear them all!! There is no real way to thank everyone for what they have done, but please know that we all appreciate the love, prayers and support that you have shown us, not just for the Drive, but over the years. Love, Chris, Jessica & Johnny

Donor Drive!!

2009-01-17T20:53:00.007-05:00

THANK YOU!!!!!
Over 180 people were tested today and an additional 40+ kits will be mailed out to those who were unable to attend! What a success this day has been! More details will post soon!

It's Almost "D" (for Donor) Day

2009-01-14T21:47:00.006-05:00

It's quite amazing to realize that the Drive is upon us after all these months of preparation! We have been blessed with so many friends and family and businesses who have helped us raise funds by selling our candy bars and collecting donations! Thanks to this wonderful group, we are able to test over 200 people at no charge to them! THANK YOU!!!! In addition, we will have a Chinese Auction at the Drive, again thanks to the generosity of many!! And Lori has printed up our Spaghetti Dinner tickets (February 15th) so they too, will be available for sale as will be our tasty chocolate bars!!

If you need directions to the Drive, it's an easy drive, even if you only know a little part of Girard! Heading either North or South on Rt. 422 (our main street), East Prospect is just south of Rt. 304 (Churchill Road). You will go East on E. Prospect and this street is between Santisi's IGA (many of us still affectionaly refer to it as Sparkles!!) and Allstate (a log cabin building). Go up to the stop sign and you'll see the Library on the right. There's a large parking lot directly behind the building. There will be signs posted too!

Hope to see you on Saturday (the 17th) from 10:00 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.! This just may be the day that YOU help save a life!!

Radio Interview!!

2009-01-08T19:11:00.003-05:00

Today was a rather fun (yet unusual) kind of day! I went with Jessica and our contact from the Marrow Program, Jessica Cartagena, to Clear Channel Radio to do an interview with Vince Camp! This was a first for Jess and I and the interview went really well! It's for a program called "Weekend Magazine" which airs on Sundays and ours will be aired this Sunday, January 11th. Clear Channel initiated the interview, not only to promote our Drive, but to give the community a wealth of information regarding how to become a Donor and the process should one be called upon to donate! Jessica Cartagena was extremely informative and our host, Vince, was very kind and gracious. Thanks Vince!! Jess and I both appreciate the opportunity to have been involved in this promotion.
Stations and air times: WMXY-FM 98.9, WAKZ-FM 95.9 and WNCD-FM 93.3 from 6:00 to 6:30 a.m., WNIO-AM 1390 7:00 to 7:30 a.m., WBBG-FM 106.1 from 11:00 to 11:30 p.m.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T16:05:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and only the Best Wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year to all of our friends, both old and new, and to those whos paths we haven't crossed yet! May you all enjoy time with your loved ones and cherish those memories that come alive this time of year. -The Zifchak Family

The following letter.....

2008-12-19T11:12:00.003-05:00

The following letter was emailed to everyone on our personal email list and is being posted in the hopes of reaching as many people as possible. Also, it picks up in time where "Deja Vu" left off. Thank you and may you all have a Blessed Christmas and a Happy, Healthy New Year!

2008-12-19T11:07:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends-

It's been some time since we've given an "update" and we have a lot to share with you. In October of 2007, CT scans revealed that Jessica's cancer was starting to grow back. We went for treatment option opinions to The Arthur James Cancer Center at OSU in Columbus where the doctor there started her on Navelbine, a chemotherapy drug that's shown great promise with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Since then, she has been getting this treatment every other week, locally, at Dr. Knight's office (The Hope Center for Cancer Care). Scans this past January revealed that it has helped immensely, greatly shrinking the disease's activity! A few months ago, Dr. Knight added the drug Rituxan, hoping that this drug would shrink the disease even more, but a new scan last month showed that the disease is still as it was back in January. He discontinued the Rituxan for a few weeks, but the decision has now been made to give both drugs again since we are finding, through her blood work, that it may have been helping more than we initially thought.

Late last year, we were told by both OSU and The Cleveland Clinic that the only "probable cure" for Jessica would be a donor marrow transplant. With this in mind, the decision was made to have the transplant done at The Cleveland Clinic as opposed to OSU. At that time we, along with the medical personnel, decided to wait until after Stefanie (Jess' twin sister) and Adam's July 12th wedding, since recovery from a donor transplant is much more involved than Jess' other two transplants, which used her own stem cells, and her desire to be part of the event warranted a few months wait. Little did we know then, nor did we expect to find, that she carries an uncommon haplotype (a DNA structure) which in turn would show that her DNA would not match to any of her 15 first-degree relatives who were tested. The Clinic then turned to The National Donor Marrow Program Registry and with a grant awarded by the NDMP, they tested four cord bloods which showed great promise. Unfortunately, these four did not prove to be a suitable match either.

In order to not only increase the number of individuals on the Registry, but hopefully find a donor for Jessica, we will be holding a Donor Marrow Drive on Saturday, January, 17, 2009 at the Girard Free Library's Community Room, 105 East Prospect Street , Girard. The Drive will be held from 10:00 a.m. until 3:30 p.m. There is a $25 fee per person for initial testing. This is a very simple test - a "mouth swab test", which collects enough DNA to get things started! Family and friends have been selling candy bars and accepting donations which have raised funds to cover the cost of 150+ donors. But we ask that, if possible, you cover the cost of your test, as our family will incur additional costs once we find a match. Individual and company donations are greatly appreciated. Checks can be made out to "Friends of Jessica Zifchak" and mailed to Charter One Bank, 35 South State Street , Girard , OH 44420 or dropped off at any Charter One Branch location.

If you wish to be tested but are unable to attend, you can still be part of the drive. Email me with your name, address and phone number. A consent form will be mailed to you which you will need to return to the NMDP along with a $25.00 check. A "kit" will then be sent to you with instructions. More information on the NMDP can be found at: www.marrow.org

Also, a Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser will be held on Sunday, February 15, 2009 at the IFH Club, 33 West Wilson Avenue, Girard to help with additional testing costs. These costs, which are not covered by insurance, can range up to $1,800 per potential matched donor, and additional transplant/medical expenses are expected once a donor is found.

A Chinese Auction will be held at both events. Any full baskets, items that can be included in baskets, or monetary gifts to purchase them, would be greatly appreciated. Please email us for more information or pickup arrangements.

Recently, we created a blog with Jessica's story and updates on events which you can visit at: jessicazifchak.blogspot.com

In closing, particularly during this Season of Hope and Miracles, we ask that you forward this email to everyone on your personal email list or give copies to your friends. Not only do we want to reach as many people as we possibly can to spread the word about Jessica, hoping to find her a donor, but if each and every person who reads this letter stops and says a prayer for her, we have no doubt that her Journey will be made easier and perhaps we will receive a miracle of our own!

Thank you, dear friends, from our entire family, for your prayers, your love and your continued support.

Love,
Chris
jessandchriszifchak@yahoo.com
jessicazifchak.blogspot.com

Deja Vu

2008-12-18T20:16:00.005-05:00

We keep promising updates for both past and current chapters of this journey….and as I sit here watching the chemotherapy drugs drip into Jessica’s veins, I’m reminded of life three short years ago when I sat as I am now, watching drugs much like these, also dripping into her veins, with the hopeful promise of a cure. Alot of life today isn’t much different than what it was then…yet, parts of it feel like we’ve come full circle as we are once again trying to rid her body of this stubborn, stubborn disease. Current treatments keep us here for 4-6 hours every other week. It’s the “new norm” for us! The nurses here have become our friends over the years. They all know about our family and we’ve come to know about theirs. They’ve shared our happiness over good times and our sadness when life threw us lemons (to be polite!) These ladies are all angels in their own right. Always a kind word, along with a smile, to help make a crappy situation bearable. For those who don’t know, Jess’ treatments are at The Hope Center for Cancer Care in Boardman, Ohio. Our nurses, Kathy, Sandy, Annie, Jan, Barb and Barb (Kim, Denise and Amy, too) are the best that we could ever hope for! The entire staff here is wonderful including our other angels in the lab…(singing) Georgia, Kathy, and Kelly amongst others! And of course, we must mention our beloved Dr. Knight! I think he’s found yet another daughter with Jessica!! They share such a great rapport and at times even “argue” like father/daughter!! Actually, sometimes they’re quite hilarious to watch!!! In the beginning, we all thought that after six months we’d be one of those patients who showed up every six months for follow ups and that no one would remember! Instead, we have sort of become a semi-permanent fixture! We’ve gotten to know some of the other patients too, many who have finished their treatments and are hopefully fully recovered! We’ll share our stories on our “other friends within these walls” at another time.

When Jessica finished her “original” chemo in January 2006, the nurses gave her a big balloon arrangement and hugs and sent her on her way!! And our family had a big "CELEBRATE" party at Aunt Karin’s house! We were all so thrilled for Jessica as she started to put her life back together! Unfortunately, the euphoria didn’t last very long…
In May Jess could “feel” that the chest mass was starting to enlarge and CT scans confirmed what we all feared. Radiation therapy was started and six weeks later we once again hoped that all would be well. But in late July, before we even celebrated Jess’ 1^st “Cancerversary”, a biopsy was done on a node that was found on her left neck. Hodgkin’s was confirmed. We were all devastated. At this point, Dr. Knight got us an appointment with Dr. Bolwell at The Cleveland Clinic where we consulted with him about doing an autologous tandem stem cell transplant. This process harvests and uses your own stem cells with the hopes of your body building itself a new and improved immune system and killing off any cancer cells in the body. Twice for good measure. The procedure was approved and the process started in September. The first transplant was delayed a few weeks since Jess developed shingles which had to first heal. We were in Cleveland from October 3rd and came home on MY birthday, October 18. Best present ever!!!! But knowing what was coming next made it difficult to return for the second transplant on November 20th. We spent Thanksgiving in the hospital but family came to see us and celebrate. (They, along with Jess' boyfriend Justin, came throughout both transplants to keep us company) We got to go home on December 8th and I (personally) honestly felt that that a weight was lifted and all would be well with the world. Merry Christmas!

2007 started out as a Happy New Year but it wasn’t to remain that way. In May (again) a new left neck node started to enlarge and scans also revealed an area of concern in the abdomen. Radiation therapy was done this time for both areas. Six weeks later and another “hope” that this would be done…
After the end of radiation in June, Jessica was diagnosed with asthma for which she still takes medication. And then in October, once again, the original chest mass was beginning to increase in size. Another form of chemo or a donor transplant were now our options.

You know, sometimes in life you find that you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the beginning I kept telling Jess that with time things would get easier. The more time that passes from your diagnosis and treatment, the easier it is to see the cure. As a breast cancer survivor from 1989, I know that feeling of being strapped to the table with that "horror movie" axe swinging and slowly dropping making its way to you inch by inch, while you squirm to find a way out from under it. I fully expected this to be the case for Jess too. I escaped. She would too. She’s my daughter and she’s got my genes, now doesn’t she???? I guess I just didn’t realize that it would be a much slower road for her than it was for me... We’ve always been “positive” about the events that have happened since Day 1 and Lord knows that enough shoes have dropped to make a caterpillar go barefoot, yet through it all Jess has kept her unfailing attitude of BELIEVING that all will be well in time. Always a smile on her face and a kind word for those who have a hard time dealing with HER issues… She understands. Sometimes it’s harder to “see” than to “be” the patient. But that’s another story.

To My Favorite :)

2008-11-23T11:06:00.005-05:00

Thank you all so much for supporting my courageous sister, wonderful mom, and our entire family as we organize this very important event! Jess has been such an inspiration to us all over the last 3 years and we want nothing more than to make her feel great and healthy again. Jess has taught us all to live life to the fullest and to cherish every minute. She has been so amazing! She continues to keep a positive attitude as she endures all of her treatments and has truly connected our family in a special way. Still, it's time she catches a break! I know we all want to help her in any way we can and the more people we test, the more likely we will find a good match for her. Please get the word out about the drive and about Jess' story.

Like mother, like daughter...we now have two heroes in our family. Love you!

Donor Guidelines / Restrictions

2008-11-19T16:08:00.004-05:00

The National Marrow Donor Program has certain guidelines and restrictions for persons wishing to be tested. You must be between the ages of 18 - 60, be willing to donate to any patient in need, and meet their health guidelines.

For more information about the health guidelines or the program itself, please go to http://www.marrow.org/