As I look back upon what I wrote just a short month ago, I wonder if I have really yet begun to find my inner peace or, if I am allowing Jessica to do the same. Yes, Jessica is with me. Every moment of every day. She is in my heart and in my thoughts and often I look to her in wonderment of what she would do or say to help me through any given situation. Life has not always been kind over the years and less so over the last as other turmoils have entered into or expanded within our lives, many of which Jess was also aware of. And now I find that I often look to her for the answers that I so desperately seek....but know do not exist...

And that is where my heartache begins....

My biggest hope of all time is that our souls will reach Heaven to find that peace which eludes us here on Earth. "Believe" is a word that has made quite an impact in our home, especially since Jess' Journey began. It's found within quotes that decorate our walls and inscribed on trinkets throughout our home...including Jessica's room. For years we believed that her cancer would be cured...from that very first diagnosis of "the most curable cancer" to the weight that was lifted off our shoulders after her transplants. And we believed when the mass shrunk after additional treatments and once again after the newest drugs became available. And even after all that failed, we believed that a donor would be found or that the new Clinical Trial would be the answer to our prayers. We believed. We had Faith. Yet no cure was to be found, no matter how hard we believed...but what we did find was an inner strength that would prevail above all, allowing us to continue to believe...and have hope...

I do sincerely feel that Jess is in Heaven...where else would a soul as precious as hers be? And as much as I wish that a part of her would be able to stay here and help guide me through my own trials, I anguish over the fears that lie in that same exact wish...that my needing her to be with me and help me here, will prevent her from releasing her earthly life and ascend to her Heavenly home and finally be at rest and fully at peace. The struggle is so deep inside of me at times..the strong desire to hold on to that part of her and keep her with me, yet at the same time wanting her to loosen my grasp to leave me behind and move on...forcing me to become completely aware that it is her love that continues to surround me and give me the strength to go on, with her in my heart... and to always, always...believe...

"Goodnight Miss Jessica...I love you."