Missing my mother...my friend...

A year ago I recited Linda Ellis's poem The Dash at my mother's funeral.  There was so much life in between her dates, and I was both honored and humbled to speak of the love that she gave to so many during that time.

Somehow though, it seems wrong to have had that final year inscribed.  Her spirit is still conspicuously alive when she helps calm my troubled soul, and her love always surrounds and comforts me when I hear her heartfelt words.

And she is so often seen through those little reminders that shine within our lives.  Her beautiful smile lives on - in the faces of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  And her words of wisdom flow freely from her own daughters lips. 

My pride and gratitude for my amazing mother reveals itself as I stand back and pray - that someday, I can give to those whom I love, what my mother gave to so many of us.

We have been missing this wonderful lady for some time now, as death laid its claim long after her disease stole her from us.  But her memory, and legacy, continue to live on.

Mom – I love you.

Always.

January 12, 1933 - October 12, 2015

"There is no death, daughter. People only die when we forget them", 

my mother explained shortly before she left me.  

"If you remember me, I will be with you always."

-Isabel Allende, Chilean-American author

Kiss Jessica for me...

September 27, 2015

Happy Birthday to two of my angels who have brought so much love, joy and happiness

 into my life...and to all those who have, and continue to cross their paths.

Beautiful memories of birthdays long ago, remain in my heart as new ones are created.

"Our lives are not just measured in years.  

They are measured in the lives we touch."

-Josh Hutcherson

Happy Birthday Stefanie.

Happy Birthday Jessica.

I love you both with all my heart.

Always.

Twenty Five Years

"There are always flowers for those who want to see them."

-Henri Matisse

Thank you God...for all the additional days that you have allowed my soul to breathe, and for the gift that you awakened me with  today...Easter Sunday.

"There are moments in life when you miss someone so much

 that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real"

Thank you, Miss Jessica...I love you. 

The struggle to compose this entry has waged a war within my heart for many weeks now, as the agony of conveying these thoughts have weighed heavily within my soul.

Only days after Brian died, a first cousin of Jessica's father also left this earth.  At age 43, Nick had battled his own demons for some time, but his love for others gave him reason to continue his fight - not only for himself, but for his family and the many others who  knew the struggle as well.   And as much as he is missed, knowing that he is now free of pain will hopefully give his loved ones comfort.  My prayers for strength and peace continue for all of his family, especially his parents and children.

And now, I would like to tell you about Justin...
Jessica and Justin knew each other for quite a few years before she was diagnosed with Hodgkins.  They had lost touch but when he learned of Jessica's battle, their friendship was rekindled....and it wasn't long before love came into bloom.  Living an hour away, he became a part of our family as he spent more time with Jessica - and with all of us.  They shared many happy moments together which spilled over into my life as well.  I always imagined that the day would come when I would dance at their wedding, just as we all did at her sister Stefanies...but it wasn't meant to be.  A few months before her death they parted ways but remained in touch, and shortly before Jessica died they made amends. 

Justin's mom and I have always stayed in touch so I knew of the many stuggles he faced after Jessica died.  He yearned for the love which could never again be his.  Life tormented him as loved ones could do little more than helplessly watch.  But there were times when God smiled upon him and Hope stood near by.  And then, more recently, Justin began to speak about Jessica more openly...and more often... 

On April 20th Justin had gone out with friends to watch his "Penguins" (hockey)  play and again, he was reminiscing about Jessica. The boys all left separately after the game ...and that's when the horrific motorcycle accident occurred.  The entire story is not mine to share, but the witness who was with Justin spoke of the peace that embraced him as the sky gave way, allowing the stars to shine ever so brightly.. and how Justins eyes calmly stared into its beauty...  Within hours he was gone.  April 21, 2012

There was a time when I secretly hoped that Jessica and Justin would somehow, someday, find each other once more - but that wish was buried with my daughter - or perhaps they were destined to be together again after all?  We want to believe that they are with each other and happy, and that they will be reaching out to greet us when we come upon the gates of Heaven.  But as we wait for that reunion to transpire, we hold each other close as we grieve together for the children that we will always love, and who we were honored to have had in our lives...even if only for a mere moment in time.

Ever since "the cloud picture" revealed itself, I find myself looking to the Heavens with a new and exciting passion. I examine them closely hoping to discover yet another miracle from above, yet all the while conscientiously expanding my vision to include the entire skyscape in order to breathe in all of the glorious beauty and life that surrounds me. But lately, some of that beauty has brandished it's fearful energy with thunderous rain and bellowing winds...

The powerfulness of these events makes me realize how often life does mimic Mother Earth. The persistent veil of darkness casts its shadow upon many, making us feel as though Hope has abandoned her only child. Hurt and despair are entwined with the gloom that cloaks your soul as you drown in the tears that flood the capsule which imprisons you. But then you stop...and you think. And you know that better days are coming...because you Believe...

And as the allure of Tod beckons my heart with eagerness of late, I have come to realize just how these transformations are truly one in the same: out of the darkness...comes light, after the rain...the sunshine. The storm rages on as the birds seek refuge, but then the heaviness of the clouds are lifted as the skies expand into a brilliant warmth revealing the celebrated rainbow as they reappear - to sing and to play and to remind us all that as much as life changes, it truly does stay the same. Cliche? Yes - but with truth. The orbs of Life and Death (Grief) each carry segments honoring our individual passages as they are painstakingly placed alongside one another. Some are but a glimpse in the arc while others dominate their scope; still, they must be placed as our Maker has chosen in order to become a complete entity...but we are given the choice of who walks beside us and the pace of the steps that are taken.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain"

"All God's angels come to us disguised" -James Russell Lowell

I am rather uncomfortable with the attempts of compassion where I am told that Jessica is watching over me - or that she is with me and will help me through my trials. Yes, there are times when I feel a presence, but I struggle with the possibility that it is really her.....

Even before Jessica's death, there were conflicts in my life that I had hoped to shield her from. We were close and shared so much, but I didn't want her to have additional stresses or added pressures. Her fight was complicated enough. And after her earthly battle was lost, the hope of her finally being able to rest was the one thing that gave me a bit of peace. So I wrestle with the thought that she can witness my anguish or feel my pain, as I know the sadness that this would cause her. So I would tell myself that the presence I felt or the signs that I saw came from her Guardian Angel or perhaps my own, or maybe it was a sign sent directly from Heaven - to comfort me and to tell me that my Jessica really was ok now...

Last June 20th I wrote of my Amish country sabbatical and of my struggle to find the solitude that I so desperately needed. That same struggle has yet to find closure but from it came an undeniable sign from the Heavens.

The above picture was taken during my trip as I attempted to capture the glitter of the leaves from the warm but rustling winds. There were five failed attempts to grasp its beauty, but not until my recent (and very delayed) printing of these memories did I realize the true meaning of this tree demanding my attention!

Today I mark my 22nd year as a Cancer Survivor. After Jess was diagnosed I expected our family to celebrate two Cancerversarys a year, but instead the scar of Jess' date is forever etched in my own. But this year is commemorated with one of the most beautiful gifts that I could ever receive - one that I wish to share with you! Look closely at the clouds in the upper right side of the picture. There you will clearly see a distinct "cancer ribbon" formed within the cloud overlooking the tree...and me... Perhaps it is there to remind us that sometimes we truly can't see that which is right in our midst...our focus becomes so narrowly intense that we fail to seize the opportunities quietly being laid upon us.

But then again, maybe it's just God's angels, coming to us in disguise....letting us know that our loved ones "really are ok now"...and someday, we will see them again...

We just need to Believe...

Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you.
You are forever in my heart...

Welcome 2011

The New Year is quietly introducing itself while The Old becomes yet another chapter in history. If dates on a calendar can make a difference, then I am thankful that 2010 has ended its fury and grateful for what the birth of 2011 may offer.

There have been great hardships placed upon many that I love this past year and the longing of a fresh start...a new beginning...brings hope to us all.

We must believe that better days await us. Yes, the difficulties of the past have molded us into who and what we are today, and they are giving us the strength to move forward into our tomorrows. We have learned that the winding road of life is littered with stones and pitfalls, but we must continue to appreciate the wonderment that surrounds us throughout the journey.

Yesterday, I stood at the foot of Jessica's grave with my eyes closed...just listening to the beauty that was surrounding me, before I opened them to drink in what my senses had already seen. God is all around us and showering us with what we need to find comfort here on Earth...but so often we become entangled within the webs of unimportance, that it makes us lose sight of that which is truly valuable in our lives.

May the essence of greater dreams inspire us all to see that which is hidden and to listen to the whispers quietly spoken around us...

Special prayers are extended to Ruth and her family and Janeen, Bernie, John and their families as the arcs on their circles begin to take shape...

I'm finding it hard to believe that the Holiday Season is upon us and that Thanksgiving is already a memory. The hustle and bustle that I am witness to is no different than that of Christmas' Past; the joyful music is playing freely all around us as we watch the smiling faces of children as they whisper their wishes to Santa...sure that they were "good" this year and hopeful that he feels the same! Shoppers are seeking that perfect something to give to those that they love and respect; and best of all, listening in on the plans being finalized to give the grandest gift of all - time spent together in peace and love.

My days of late are overflowing with long work hours and required time spent with the necessary preparation for a day that was once the highlight of my year. I yearn for those days when my family was whole...and happy... without the cares that it now presents. Time was spent decorating our home, trimming our tree and taking care to put the final touches on the freshly baked cookies. And maybe someday our house will shine again as it's colored lights showcase a magical tree in a room abundant with love and laughter. But my heart is not yet ready, nor willinging able, to relive what was once enjoyed together as a family. Our small tree is adorned with all three of "my angels" allowing it's true beauty to be shown. It's not to say that we haven't found any happiness, because it has shown itself in many aspects of our lives...but life, like the ever changing clouds gliding above us, knows that it will not remain the same forever.

I realize that oftentimes this second year without Jessica has proven to be as difficult, if not moreso, than the first. Dear friends had warned me of this taking place...but I couldn't imagine it to be true. We have painstakingly marked "the firsts" of everything, and now the reality of this "new normal" has pushed itself in and taken full command. I continue to look, and indeed I do find, many things to be grateful for and to be happy about and enjoy. And as much as I miss my Jessica, I know that I can best honor her life by continuing to live out my own.

It's been said, and I truly believe, that when someone you love dies, the hole that's left in your broken heart is full of sharp jagged edges. The pain can be so intense that you fear you may never be complete again. And time may help heal and smooth over those edges but that gaping hole remains. The void that it created can never be filled...but we must learn to accept that which has been given to us and continue to move forward in order to fulfill our own destiny. God has a plan for each and every one of us and oftentimes we have more questions than answers for why events unfold as they do. And especially during the Holiday Season, we must BELIEVE that we are being guided in the direction that is meant for us. No. Life isn't easy nor is it always fair. But the true test in life is not to question what we are given....it's about what we do with that which has been given to us.

I'd like to leave you with an inscription found scratched into a wall in Germany by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camps:

I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining;

in love even when I am alone;
and in God even when He is silent.

And sometimes my friends, in that silence we can hear the whisper of God. But you have to listen. Better days are ahead for all of us. We just have to believe....

I feel as though I am being encouraged to stay away and seek my solitude elsewhere, although my heart cannot believe that this would be so...

I am discovering that the timing of my visits to Tod of late are not allowing me to find the peace and serenity that I so strongly desire. I realize that the circumstances in my life keep leading me there, hoping to allow my eyes to close and "hear" that comforting peace. But there are those whose livelihood brings them nearby, disrupting the karma that surrounds me, and today it was I who kept a distance, as I witnessed the grief surrounding a graveside service, of someone clearly much loved....

So I left...wishing that I could stay...and help my heart to heal...

And as I drove away, I heard Bon Jovi singing Live Before you Die, making me wonder all the more just where I am to be in this life and just how to go about finding that destiny. So I will listen, patiently, wherever I am able to rest, hoping to "hear" God guide me to where my life's journey shall continue...

One Day at a Time...

It seems as though my words, which usually flow so freely, have become tangled within the confines of my mind...the peaks of the web are caught up where support should be given, and in turn, my ill attempts to express those "1,000 reasons to show life why I should smile" are being suppressed as my blessings are becoming clouded with doubt.

Emotions tend to run deeply, more so during a holiday or when yet another month without our loves ones are marked. And maybe someday, holidays will become a source of joy again...

Last year, Jessica was diagnosed with bronchitis after spending Easter Sunday in the hospital emergency room. Now, looking back to that day, I realize that this was just the beginning of what we would all be given to mourn.... But I did smile this Easter season, when on Holy Thursday I was honored with the blessing of meeting Alyssa's mom (and grandmother), granting me the long awaited wish of expressing my grief to her, and with her...for both of our daughters...and with a deep respect, my prayers continue for her family...

Yes, there have been happy days since Jessica left us. The highs have been celebrated and marked with pride as much as the lows have been dissected in a vain attempt to understand them. Personal turmoils have been evoked as we continue to struggle to find our new normal. Our home, once full of love and laughter, now yearns for a healing peace. Peace.

And now, as the rebirth of Spring is upon us, I once again find that the tranquillity I seek comes to me from where my daughters body lies. The calmness of the grounds beckon me to rest, as I close my eyes and listen to the birds sing, while the faint and distant harmony of the freeway is carried by the soothing breeze that embraces my being. Clarity engulfs me as my troubles are washed clean, allowing me the freedom to think. I can hear my thoughts! I can feel a new energy enfusing my own spirit, giving me the strength needed to continue putting one foot in front of the other! I open my eyes and gaze at those majestic birds keeping watch over the souls who rest below them. And with the trees, swaying in tune, I am reminded that life does, and will always, go on. No one can escape lifes heartaches, but it is our choice as to what we do with that sorrow...

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

- Robert Frost

Count your blessings, not your sorrows...

Jessica and I always tried to be positive people...you know - "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade", "Count your blessings, not your sorrows" - and a favorite of mine that helped me through my journey so many years ago, "Some people complain because the rose has thorns. Others are thankful that the thorns have roses." Jessica suffered so many setbacks through those last 4 years of her life, yet remained unwavered in her attempts to inspire and see all of the beauty that life itself offered.

And now, as I continue my attempt to move forward seeking my destiny through the difficult days of late, I remind myself of that which I already know. It is difficult to see the trees when you're standing in the forest or to see the big picture when you have but a piece of the puzzle...and yes, that elusive light at the end of the tunnel. But life is about choice and attitude. And I choose to fight and live. I choose to see the good that comes from the bad even when it causes destruction, for I know that the tree that stands in my path also gives shelter to the life beneath it. It is about choice...and we can choose to count our blessings, or prevent them from shining through our sorrows. During her struggle, Jessica reunited lives and friendships and brought people into my life, for which I am eternally grateful. She chose to find courage, and along with her strength, she encouraged others to do the same. She chose to look deeply within herself to find even more strength to continue her fight, time and time again, when it would have been just as easy to break...and give in...

So today I mark another month without my beloved child, yet it is her spirit that continues to inspire me, give me strength and help me go on. I am so painfully saddened and lost by what was taken from me, but thankful for what I was given and still have. God gave me 24 years to love and learn from Jessica and build memories to help me through these days...and I know that with time, the pieces of that puzzle will start to come together, allowing me to see that which is hidden beyond that elusive light...

When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1,000 reasons to smile...

Written with love...

Shortly after Jessica died, a very good friend of mine kindly warned me that "it will get worse before it gets better". Of course at that time I thought there was no possible way...

I was wrong.

Until we lost Jessica I considered myself one of the lucky ones. I had never really experienced a tremendous personal loss in my life as my parents, in-laws and "family" are still with us. So unknowingly at the time, when Jess died I went into shock mode and with so many friends and family surrounding me the true grief did not surface as quickly as it might have otherwise. The time of year allowed us to seek solace outdoors and let our thoughts run in directions that kept our sanity somewhat intact. But life does go on...for everyone...and as contact is diminished, and expected, it allows that same sanity to run amuck. And as Fall turns into Winter, it gives us even more opportunity to let those winter blues become something more. And so - the thought of "it getting worse before it gets better" now becomes an even greater reality.

Which leads me to this: For whatever reasons, these last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. It has gotten worse and I can only pray that this is the peak before the plateau. I am often gently reminded that the first full year will be the hardest. It is. The "firsts" of so many things raise memories to levels not fully expected nor most times wanted. Looking back day to day, seeing the difference a year can make....from the happiness experienced such a short time ago to the heartache and tears that it brings me today.

One year ago we celebrated Valentines Day by setting up The IFH for the Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser. This year we are putting the final touches on Jessica's gravestone. From the hope of finding a cure to a long and happy life...to the memorialization of that same life. It does get worse before it gets better. And I know that this is not the end....

But today I want to thank everyone, friends and strangers alike, for the continuous love and support that you have given me to help me though my troublesome times. Deep in my heart I know that better days will come because even through this journey of late, there are days filled with joy. And I hope that in another years time, I can look back upon today and say, "what a difference a year can make", because I have made the choice to live as Jessica did. Even when the skys were filled with clouds of gray, she would see that silver lining peeking through and smile at it's sight. And as the heaviness of those clouds were lightened through the cleansing rain, our tears will cleanse our souls...so that we will be able to see the beauty of our world once again.

"Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you."

As I look back upon what I wrote just a short month ago, I wonder if I have really yet begun to find my inner peace or, if I am allowing Jessica to do the same. Yes, Jessica is with me. Every moment of every day. She is in my heart and in my thoughts and often I look to her in wonderment of what she would do or say to help me through any given situation. Life has not always been kind over the years and less so over the last as other turmoils have entered into or expanded within our lives, many of which Jess was also aware of. And now I find that I often look to her for the answers that I so desperately seek....but know do not exist...

And that is where my heartache begins....

My biggest hope of all time is that our souls will reach Heaven to find that peace which eludes us here on Earth. "Believe" is a word that has made quite an impact in our home, especially since Jess' Journey began. It's found within quotes that decorate our walls and inscribed on trinkets throughout our home...including Jessica's room. For years we believed that her cancer would be cured...from that very first diagnosis of "the most curable cancer" to the weight that was lifted off our shoulders after her transplants. And we believed when the mass shrunk after additional treatments and once again after the newest drugs became available. And even after all that failed, we believed that a donor would be found or that the new Clinical Trial would be the answer to our prayers. We believed. We had Faith. Yet no cure was to be found, no matter how hard we believed...but what we did find was an inner strength that would prevail above all, allowing us to continue to believe...and have hope...

I do sincerely feel that Jess is in Heaven...where else would a soul as precious as hers be? And as much as I wish that a part of her would be able to stay here and help guide me through my own trials, I anguish over the fears that lie in that same exact wish...that my needing her to be with me and help me here, will prevent her from releasing her earthly life and ascend to her Heavenly home and finally be at rest and fully at peace. The struggle is so deep inside of me at times..the strong desire to hold on to that part of her and keep her with me, yet at the same time wanting her to loosen my grasp to leave me behind and move on...forcing me to become completely aware that it is her love that continues to surround me and give me the strength to go on, with her in my heart... and to always, always...believe...

"Goodnight Miss Jessica...I love you."

Signs from Heaven

Yesterday was more difficult than I had expected. As much as my heart does not have it's Christmas spirit, the Season is still approaching and I am attempting to help make it as normal as possible for those that I love.

Shopping after work brought me to places where reminders of Jessica and Christmas' past surrounded me....from the music we'd joke about, to her same pink with white polka dot robe that is still being sold at Macy's, to the memories of Christmas shopping at Kohl's after her transplant, which brings a different sadness to my soul...reminders that will continue to enter my thoughts...but not all of them are sad...

After Jess died, I saw an extraordinary number of butterflies and rainbows! I really can't remember ever seeing so many in one season before and they brought a smile to my heart each and every time they were around me. Last night we had some horrific winds so I decided to go to Tod and make sure that her grave was not greatly disturbed. All morning the sky was dark since the threats of rain and more winds were with us and as I closed the door behind me to get to my car the rain started to pour straight downward...and then the sky opened up with sunshine! Grabbing my camera (which I try to keep at hand since the deer incident) I got out of the car and was searching the sky when I saw it! There--in the northern sky--the very faint colors of a rainbow!!! But it's time was so extremely short, or I was that extremely shocked and slow, that as I went to capture it on film, it disappeared! But in that very instant I felt that we were being looked upon, and assured that life as we now know it, will be ok...

I no longer pray for answers to questions that have none...I only ask for the strength to get me through each day...

Signs from Tod Homestead

I guess that during times of grief we tend to look for comfort by way of "signs" from beyond, hopefully being sent from our loved ones. I am no different and I wanted to share these two recent ones with you.

Yesterday as I was on my way to visit Jess as I do most every Thursday, the clouds started to darken and the rain would come and go. Great I thought. Trudging over the spongy ground with umbrella in hand was not how I wanted our time to be. As I drove through the gates of Tod, I decided to go the long way around. In those few moments that it took and as I got closer to Jessica, the sky opened up with the most beautiful burst of sunshine!!! So yes! I took that as a sign that she was glad that I came to talk. She knew that I needed her, because as minor as this seems, it was time that was necessary for me, as I asked for her help with some aspects of my life.

Today after work I ran a few errands that put me near Tod again, and my van rather automatically went where it knows I needed to be. Another beautiful evening as the sun was beginning to set, casting shadows of nearby headstones upon her cross. Plants were watered as we chatted again and as I sat in the van afterwards I was amazed to see two deer coming from the area to the right of Jessica and just calmly frolicking by!! Now this had to be a sign for Uncle Mike!! You see, every time we would go anywhere with Uncle Mike (my sister Karin's husband) he would always tell us to look for deer!!! An avid deer hunter (or watcher as the case may be) we'd be looking with him and point them out if seen!! I dialed my cell phone to get the message to him and just continued to watch them playfully go further off in the distance! What a sight this was as I never would have expected to see deer in the area!!

My thoughts want to be in a place where Jessica is happy and letting us know what a wonderful turn that her journey has taken her. And the deer, most likely, are but a pawn in her laughter as she herself, is playfully letting us know that all will be well....until we meet again.