Written with love...

Shortly after Jessica died, a very good friend of mine kindly warned me that "it will get worse before it gets better". Of course at that time I thought there was no possible way...

I was wrong.

Until we lost Jessica I considered myself one of the lucky ones. I had never really experienced a tremendous personal loss in my life as my parents, in-laws and "family" are still with us. So unknowingly at the time, when Jess died I went into shock mode and with so many friends and family surrounding me the true grief did not surface as quickly as it might have otherwise. The time of year allowed us to seek solace outdoors and let our thoughts run in directions that kept our sanity somewhat intact. But life does go on...for everyone...and as contact is diminished, and expected, it allows that same sanity to run amuck. And as Fall turns into Winter, it gives us even more opportunity to let those winter blues become something more. And so - the thought of "it getting worse before it gets better" now becomes an even greater reality.

Which leads me to this: For whatever reasons, these last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. It has gotten worse and I can only pray that this is the peak before the plateau. I am often gently reminded that the first full year will be the hardest. It is. The "firsts" of so many things raise memories to levels not fully expected nor most times wanted. Looking back day to day, seeing the difference a year can make....from the happiness experienced such a short time ago to the heartache and tears that it brings me today.

One year ago we celebrated Valentines Day by setting up The IFH for the Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser. This year we are putting the final touches on Jessica's gravestone. From the hope of finding a cure to a long and happy life...to the memorialization of that same life. It does get worse before it gets better. And I know that this is not the end....

But today I want to thank everyone, friends and strangers alike, for the continuous love and support that you have given me to help me though my troublesome times. Deep in my heart I know that better days will come because even through this journey of late, there are days filled with joy. And I hope that in another years time, I can look back upon today and say, "what a difference a year can make", because I have made the choice to live as Jessica did. Even when the skys were filled with clouds of gray, she would see that silver lining peeking through and smile at it's sight. And as the heaviness of those clouds were lightened through the cleansing rain, our tears will cleanse our souls...so that we will be able to see the beauty of our world once again.

"Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you."