Twelve...

Every anniversary is difficult; this one is no exception. And every year as it appears, I write with the intent to be positive about life, because good does exist, although my heart begs to differ. 

Twelve.
How can it be twelve years since you left us? How can it still feel like yesterday as well as a lifetime ago? How is it that the void still consumes my entire being?

Much of life has remained the same this past year, yet change has surely evolved. We've all learned to adjust to survive the pandemic, but the world is still divided on so many issues, both political and humanitarian. The children are growing and thriving, despite the months of upheaval. And through it all, everyone here on earth has been doing their best to reclaim what feels normal.

Normal.  What is normal? The heartache that never rests? The dreams that will never see life? The future that will never come to be...

My thought of late was to bring closure to this site, along with it's ever present sorrow. But your Aunt Karin encouraged me to continue, if only for your anniversary tribute. Within this conversation to move onward, a new purpose in life emerged for me. I know it won't come easily, quickly, or without difficulty, but it's time to tell the full story. Your story. Yours - where future generations can learn about love, strength, and fortitude. About how their Jessica never gave up, even in her darkest days, and how her courageous smile always helped those around her feel at ease. How she never gave up hope...and refused to let us do so. Yes Jessica. You are, and always have been, an inspiration - and it never shined brighter than when you struggled the most...and I will do my best to make you proud as I show the world what a precious treasure it lost.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"There are places and moments in which one is so completely alone

that one sees the world entire."

-Jules Renard

Eleven years...

"I cannot think of anyone stronger
 than a mother who has lost her child and still breathes." 

-Robyna May

Eleven years. And I still keep trying to find that strength. To some, it may appear effortless, but when the mask is removed, the tears and anguish emerge.

Some days are harder than others; some years hold more struggle than most. That is the kind of year, that this year is for me. COVID-19, protests, political divide, so much unrest in our world; but the worst of it all, is not being able to hold my loved ones as tightly and often as before...

The universe challenges all that I know and has, yet once again, pierced the hole in my heart that continuously hopes to soften.

Hope. I, too, seek out hope. Hope to move forward, without moving back. Hope to find more joy, than sorrow. Hope to find more love, than heartache. Hope...to find peace.

My visit to Tod to place our ceremonial flowers did create a bit of that vision. The green, pink, and red carnations smiled as they were lovingly placed into the vase, with a butterfly pick, holding a butterfly trinket, that reads, "always in my thoughts and prayers". Because you are.

The warm breeze then embraced me as I marveled at the beautiful sky; while there on the ground, among the masses of clover, I saw the lone dandelion puff. Just. Like. Last year...

Can wishing upon this beautiful fluff of seed really make our dreams come true?

There is no answer. Only hope.

But, I did make a wish Jessica. For you. I wish that you have peace; the elusive peace that I so desire. May Heaven be all that we pray for it to be, as I wish, and hope, that one day, you will be there to welcome me home.

And then, perhaps, I will, have peace.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"Everyone we love builds a home in our heart. 

And when they are gone, we spend eternity staring at their empty seat." 

-Shakieb Orgunwall

Ten Years

Every year on this date, I selfishly wish for the same thing: to have the hours of this day move quickly, and with less heartache than those of years past. And yet somehow...it never does.

My entire being has been struggling, attempting to grasp the fact that you’ve been gone for 10 years. And, through it all, I still can't help but wonder how different life would be, if only God had allowed you to stay with us.

And with that I look back. One year ago. My words. So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

I've not done well with fulfilling that promise...

Ironically though, while visiting you at the cemetery yesterday, I caught sight of a dandelion puff. The only one among all of the flowers and the vast clover field. It kept my attention, begging me to capture its essence. I immortalized it. Once home, I did what any of us would do...I googled it and found these symbolisms on flowermeaning.com:
   Healing from emotional pain and physical injury alike
   Surviving through all challenges and difficulties
   Getting your wish fulfilled

My wish. Jessica, maybe there is hope after all. Maybe that optimism that once filled my soul will  resurface, and our next journey can truly begin. Maybe the answers to so many questions will finally reveal themselves. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally find my peace...

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"In the end, we'll all become stories."

-Margaret Atwood

Birthday Wishes

Birthdays can be bittersweet, but none more so than today's. I know that the struggle is real for me, and each year, on this  date, I can only imagine how difficult it is for Stefanie.

Today marks the 10th celebration without Jessica. Ten birthdays with only one cake. Ten birthdays with only one heart sharing in it... 

Yet, I am comforted. I know that Jessica is celebrating with more of our family who have joined her, as we celebrate all that we continue to be blessed with, while we also remember the joyous times that we once shared together.

For your birthdays this year, I want to make the wishes. I wish for my angels to have the peace that we crave for them both. And, I wish for Stefanie to know just how complete she truly is, even without her best friend standing by her side.

Stefanie-you have taught us all how to survive after a horrendous loss, and you do so with such grace. You are a lovable, thoughtful, strong, and caring person, and I am so proud of all that you have become. I wish you a wonderful day, not because it's your birthday, but because you deserve all that is good. And special. Just like you. 

And yes, I can hear Jessica wishing you the same...

Lastly, my wish for us all is to enjoy this day, while giving thanks for what we now have, for all that we've enjoyed in the past, and for that which is yet to be.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
Happy Birthday Stefanie.
I wish you each a beautiful day.

I love you both with all my heart. Always.

When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, look for stars.

 -Unknown.

Nine years

Time, I've been told, heals all wounds. In my heart I know the potential exists. And although I still carry the same hope and optimism that I held a year ago, much has changed to hinder Time's intent.  Jessica, you continue to reunite with family; I continue to lose mine as my parents, your Oma and Opa, have both now joined you in Heaven, taking with them yet another piece of my shattered heart.

We all learn to live with grief if we are given the privilege of truly living and loving in our lifetime. But once grief has taken hold, it will gain power and strength, if left unharnessed.

My grief of late swells and subsides, and at times overwhelms, as emotions implode. Memories of our last holiday together, from the confines of your hospital room, flood my thoughts with each display of colored light and thunderous sound.

And attempts to take control back from my grief are often in vain. But I won't let grief win.

I know that I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for. And I am. Not only for all that I have now, but for all that I was blessed with in the past. And I vow to do my best to find the good in each day, and honor your memory by living life to the fullest, just as you always did Jessica, even when fate kept altering your plans.

So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

-D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's

For Stefanie and Jessica...

Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my heavenly and earthly angels. May our Jessica rejoice in Heaven with her father, Oma, and Justin, as we rejoice here on Earth with our Stefanie and her loving family.

And as we celebrate these two beautiful souls today, may we also continue to be grateful for all that has been given to us, and for all which still lies ahead...

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both more than you can possibly know.
Always.

A Cloud is just a cloud, until we frame it in light.

-Hasna

Eight Years

Every year at this time, my greatest wish is to celebrate you Jessica, just as Stefanie continues to do with her Annual Ice Cream Day. Our family and friends gather to reminisce, while we enjoy ice cream in your honor. And every year you are with us, as we share memories, and love…and tears…

You know Jess…for the last eight years there has been a deafening silence in this house, most noticeably within your room. There are so many memories buried there, deep within the crevices of those walls, where so much love and laughter was once shared, along with your hopes and dreams. But then those dreams were shattered and life, for us, would never be the same.

Lately though, little by little, I have been finding the courage to unlock the veils of protection that your room had created to shield it from its past. With encouragement by those who love you as I do, I found what I believe will bring a smile to your eyes, and the laughter that you cherished, back to where it all began.

Soon the transformation will be complete.  Jack & Amelia will be surrounded by many of your treasured possessions as they play and sleep where you did…laugh as you would have…and make beautiful new memories…all in a place that you once called your own. 

I can picture you watching over and playing with them as though you were here. Laughing and joking and being the aunt that you always dreamed of becoming. How they would have loved you…how you would have loved them, if only given the chance…

I was always so proud of you Jessica, and I hope that my decision to celebrate you - by bringing love, life, and laughter back to where it was once so abundant, will make you proud as well. I miss you Jessica. Every moment…of every day.

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you. Always.

Birthday Celebrations...

Today marks the eighth birthday where Stefanie and Jessica celebrate their day, but without each other.

Not being able to have both of our angels here on earth has left such an enormous hole in all of our hearts. But knowing that Jessica now has her Oma, and her father, to celebrate this day with her, helps lessen the struggle within us. 

Each year on this day, we should consciously look forward to what our future continues to write, and be grateful for all that has been given, and is still being given to us; and, to be more appreciative for everything in life that we once had the privilege to be a part of.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both with all my heart.
Always.

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, 

but to add color to my sunset sky.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Seven Years

Today we will gather to celebrate you, Jessica.  Friends and family alike will reminisce with their loved ones as they share ice cream in your memory.  For four years now this “celebration” has taken place - the same number of years since your nephew Jack entered into our lives.

And we continue to encourage everyone to join in on the Annual “Celebrate We Will, Because Life Is Short, but Sweet for Certain” ice cream day, as we are once again reminded of how sweet life is - and how short it can be.

Yes.  This year there will be even more heartfelt tears among the many smiles around us.  Not only has our beloved Oma become a part of your world, but so too, has your father.  Two more souls, no longer weighted down by their earthly struggles.

Jessica, it is my deepest hope that you can see how much love still surrounds you, and all of the loved ones we’ve lost since you’ve been gone.  My thoughts get lost in the vision of you and Justin smiling as you raise your glasses, while our broken hearts mourn those that you are welcoming home…and how I silently wish…that it was me…

But I know that one day we will be together again, just as I know that the lifework that has been entrusted to me, is not yet realized.  So until that moment in time is reached, my greatest wish is that you will always know how much I love you…and miss you…

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you.

Always.

September 27, 2015

Happy Birthday to two of my angels who have brought so much love, joy and happiness

 into my life...and to all those who have, and continue to cross their paths.

Beautiful memories of birthdays long ago, remain in my heart as new ones are created.

"Our lives are not just measured in years.  

They are measured in the lives we touch."

-Josh Hutcherson

Happy Birthday Stefanie.

Happy Birthday Jessica.

I love you both with all my heart.

Always.

July 8, 2009 - July 8, 2015

When looking into the kaleidoscope of life, how is it that those long ago moments of time can, without even exhaling, appear as if they just happened?

Six years.

The “new normal” which grew out of that day has become a point of entry for the events of life that have since followed. Time has done little, except allow the sorrow to be branded deeper within our soul.   Heartache did not loosen its grip upon our world, but glimmers of hope have shown brightly through its cracks.

Jack and Amelia would have been the joys in your life!  How I wish that they could know you and love you as we did.  And with them in mind, your sister gave us all a wonderful reason to celebrate you in a way that would make your beautiful smile shine.

For those who had never met our Jessica, her first job was at our local Bruster's Ice Cream shop.  She was employed there in high school and during college breaks.  The family who owned the business worked with her during her illness to allow her to work as much or as little as she wanted, for as long as she was able to.

Three years ago after Jack was born, Stefanie found the perfect way to honor Jessica’s memory, on the anniversary of her passing, with an "ice cream day".

Stefanie's posting on Facebook reads:  "Enjoy ice cream with your loved ones in honor of Jessica Zifchak.  Invitations are extended to anyone who wishes to remember her beautiful spirit."

She continues: "If there is one thing you worry about when a loved one passes much too soon, it's that s/he will be forgotten.  Our annual ice cream day is one way our family celebrates Jessica and the beautiful person she was.  We choose to turn the anniversary of her death into a positive day filled with lots of memories that are being passed on to her nephew Jack and niece Amelia.  Please use this day as a reason to remember her and to spend quality time with your loved ones.  Because life really is short, but sweet for certain."

And although this day is set aside to remember our Jessica, we encourage everyone to join in to reminisce, celebrate, and spend time with those you love.  So please…stop! and add more beauty and color to your personal viewer, as you enjoy extra special moments of life, with those you treasure and hold most dear.

Goodnight Miss Jessica.  I love you.  Always.

“How long is forever?  Sometimes, just one second.”

-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Thirty years ago today...

Dear Jessica-

This day that you share with Stefanie has been a struggle for us all since you've been gone.  How can we be joyful without you physically within our midst? How can our hearts celebrate as it simultaneously writhes in pain?  There cannot, nor will there ever be, a true understanding of these profound emotions. Yet somehow, I believe that you are encouraging us to move forward and fully cherish the gifts of this day...those which have continued to bless our family as you have allowed Jack to experience your love, and I'm certain that his little sister is learning of you too as she readies herself for our world. And that same love shines through to all of us, as it must be your driving force behind the positive "God winks" that have appeared of late to many of us...with little or no plausible explanation.

So Happy Birthday my dear Jessica and thank you for all of those wonderful gifts that you've given, and continue to bestow upon us.  And with your love illuminating our hearts, may we allow ourselves to genuinely enjoy this day of celebration with your sister Stefanie, our angel here on earth, as you once again celebrate with God, amongst all of the angels in Heaven.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both with all my heart.
Always.

July 8, 2009 – July 8, 2014

I have agonized over this post for weeks as it is nearly impossible to fathom the reality of this day, let alone be truly able to express what lies deep within my fractured soul. Five years.  How can this be?  How can five years feel like a lifetime ago and yet those heartbreaking memories are still as vivid as if they happened yesterday?  Five years… unbelievably more than 1,800 days have passed since I last saw you…touched you…held you…

Five years…

My dreams dare to wander to where our lives would be had God not called you home.  Would you have followed the hard sought path of becoming a nurse and helping others though their cancer journey?  Would you have married and be raising a family of your own while watching your nephew Jack be born and thrive, Rocco grow and become a big brother to Trent?  Would we have mourned the tragic loss of Justin…. Would our family have been restored or would it have continued on its current path?  George had the privilege of seeing what would become of those he loved most had he never lived when Clarence unveiled that truth in “It’s a Wonderful Life”….but we will never know what would have been had your journey not ended so soon.  So many questions remain - yet we know that not all answers are meant to be revealed.

Five years...

Yes.  It has been a constant struggle of learning to live without you. But I have laughed again…lived again…even loved again.  And though my heart is filled with sorrow today, we will all celebrate you as we reminisce about those wonderful moments shared with you and the love, happiness and joy that you gave to each one of us.  

So thank you God, for allowing Jessica to grace our lives, and for helping to create the beautiful memories that we all share of her today.

Goodnight Miss Jessica.

I love you and miss you.

Always.  Forever.

Dear God-

Thank you for those two precious gifts that you gave me 29 years ago today.  One, whose life touched so many before joining you in Heaven, and one who continues to give of herself here on Earth.

So please God - hug my Jessica, our birthday angel in your care, who is celebrating this day with you. And I in turn, will do the same with my Stefanie, our birthday angel who remains in mine.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
Happy Birthday Stefanie.
I love you both with all my heart.
Always.

Some of you say

"Joy is greater than sorrow"

and others say

"Nay, sorrow is the greater"

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

-Kahli Gibran from the Prophet

Wishes for my Birthday Angels...

A year ago today, we paused "to reflect with much gratitude all that life has blessed us with".  Yes.  God has been, and continues to be good, and especially now as He has shared his baby Jack with us, who was undoubtedly smiled upon by Him as he received his very first kiss...from his Aunt Jessica.

For 24 years we celebrated with family and friends for the two wonderful girls who brought so much joy into our lives...and although this day marks the fourth birthday since Jessica left us, it weighs as heavily within my heart as did the first without her.

How can we possibly allow ourselves to experience an atmosphere of celebration when our angels have been separated by Death?  How can Joy reenter our lives for this day when it has been overshadowed by such tremendous Grief?

One year ago today, "our wish was to be hopeful as we opened the door to yet another new beginning - and peek inside with innocent anticipation"...and that wish has been bestowed upon us!  Jack holds the key that will teach us all how to find Happiness again, not only for today, but for every day that follows!

Yes, the beams of Hope still radiate upon us as my angel in Heaven continues to watch over her sister, my angel here on Earth...and the forces that they hold combined, will watch over the Promise of our tomorrows.

Happy Birthday Stefanie. Happy Birthday Jessica.
May Peace and Love be with you both.  Today and always.
I love you.

"Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened."

- Dr. Seuss

For Jessica...for Stefanie...for all that is yet to be...

Birthdays encourage us to pause, and reflect with gratitude for what life has blessed us with...and perhaps allow closure for that which should no longer invade the soul. Our wish is to be hopeful as we open the door to yet another new beginning - and peek inside with innocent anticipation, in order to catch just a glimpse of what may lie ahead!

However, the desire to celebrate can be somewhat overshadowed...as we painfully remember that which is no longer within our grasp...yet will be forever etched within our hearts...

So as this day radiates upon us, I do see more than hope amidst its confines....new beginnings are beaming their rays of light as my angel in heaven looks upon my angel, her sister, on earth. And my most sincere desire is that they are both gleaming as their hearts walk together, exploring the realities that are slowly unfolding and revealing themselves, day by day...

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
Forever, and always in my heart....

For Jessica and For Stefanie...

Today is September 27, 2010. On this day twenty-six years ago, two very special angels were in a rush to be welcomed into our world and our family of three became five. Tiny as they were, they quickly flourished as they began to bring more love and joy into our lives than we could ever have imagined. And their closeness kept growing stronger as they became each others' best friend, and when Jessica became ill that bond became a powerful force in her journey.

And as I sit here and lament the absence of my Jessica I can only imagine what my Stefanie must feel today. For as difficult as this day is for me, she has truly lost a piece of her own being which only a few can comprehend, for she and Jessica began their lives with only each other for 7-1/2 months before we met, and they connected in a beautiful sense that we will never be able to understand.

So today, as we reminisce and commemorate the birth of these two wonderful and courageous women, let us remember Jessica in our prayers...for it does continue to be a very special and happy day for both her and her sister and for all of us...and I am thankful and grateful to be able to celebrate it with Stefanie - in her honor, and in her sisters memory.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
Know that I love you both with all my heart and soul.
Always...and forever.

It has taken me six months and the bitter cold of winter, but I am learning....

In the early days of my grief, my comfort was found at Jessica's final place of rest. Knowing that her body lay peacefully beneath the carefully placed stone cross gave me solice as I was able to seek her presence and speak with her. But the beauty and warmth of those days gave way to the darkness of Autumn, and that same warmth that had preciously enveloped me then, was becoming much harder to feel. Now, with the Winter season fully upon us, that bitter cold which runs through my body as I struggle to find that same sense of peace at her grave, is leading me home...to her...

Yes. It has taken me six long months...yet only a blink of an eye in the realms of eternity...to finally teach me that Jessica is always with me, existing deeply within my broken heart, giving it strength to learn how to heal amongst the scars which will forever remain. No--I don't need a grave with a nameplate or her room with her treasures...her love is what surrounds me with every breath that I breathe. She was a part of me with her creation and now, with her death, she once again holds that light. Love does not die...it does remain long after our bodies are returned to the earth...and although it is said over and over to all who have lost, it truly is something that cannot be realized until we travel that lonely road that we hope to never tread upon...

Even in death she teaches, touches and inspires, as her love spills over onto our souls. And my gratitude will forever be hers...

Blessings for 2010

It is now time to put 2009 behind us....both the good and the not so good. The year started out in such a positive manner but as we all know...life can change in an instant. The tragedy that fell upon our family when we lost our Jessica was felt by so many who were there to love and support us and each other and unfortunately, ours was not the only loss felt amongst "our family". Our love and support are extended as well, to those who's hearts have been broken as our own have, with the hope that they too, will be able to attempt to find a new normal within their lives.

A short year ago we were putting the finishing touches on the Marrow Donor Drive and making final decisions for the Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser. What a wonderful time we all had coming together to help Jessica and so many other lives in the process! I can only hope and pray that in 2010 we are able to do more good in her honor, thereby keeping Jessica's memory alive.

My wish for all who read this is to have a Happy and Healthy New Year with more love and peace in your days to come. May we all be able to "get through"our personal trials and help those who have helped us, and also to extend that same love and support to our old friends...and the new ones whom we haven't yet met.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow." -Maya Angelou

Merry Christmas Jessica...

I've contemplated long and hard about how to commemorate this day. The sadness continuously surrounds us as we attempt to make this once loved Holiday, who's magic has been lost, special again...but now, with Jessica only in our hearts.

Jessica loved Christmas as much as we all did....and one thing she loved most about the Holiday was watching "The Christmas Story"....over and over and over and over.... And those who knew her well, know exactly what I'm talking about!!! That being said and with my deranged way of trying to keep this day on a "lighter" note as we attempt another "new normal", I'd like to mention some highlights of the movie...from Jess...for Jess...and for all of us...

The Leg Lamp (and FRAGILE)

Ralphie going down the tube after seeing Santa

The BB gun and "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"

The Snowsuit escapade

The tongue getting stuck to the pole

The Bunny pajamas

The dog stealing the turkey, leading to

The Chinese Christmas Dinner (and singing Christmas Carols)

Please feel free to post your favorite moments of the movie and share a quiet chuckle with Jessica...and all of our loved ones who have gone before us.

Merry Christmas everyone. As long as we have love and beautiful memories of those we've lost, we can have happiness within our days. No. It's not easy. But "it is what it is"...