Missing Jessica...

Today is a struggle. My heart is torn between being alone with my grief or being with others to help celebrate a life that was lost. Neither battle finds victory as I can do little more than control the affliction that lies within me. I have carefully waited for this day to arrive as much as I have feared to have its face shown... for now the Circle is complete. The final arc is being layed, joining the ends, confining all the "firsts" within its boundaries. I can see them all so clearly, yet try as I may, I find that they are no longer within my grasp. The heartache and tears of this past year have been placed under lock as the circle's clasp has been shut tightly to avoid any attempt at re-entry, and reminding us that it is we, who hold that "proverbial key" to any future happiness.

My hope for today was to pay proper homage to my daughter. I searched my heart over and over and agonized to find the befitting words which could define her life and all that she meant to us...but how can this be done in a forum such as this? It can't. But then, as I look back on that which has already been written and the heartfelt words left by so many, I find that that which I seek, is already there. Those who knew Jessica, know. And those who's lives were not personally touched by her, have been so in spirit.

A tribute bench has been placed at The Girard Library in Jessica's honor. It reads:

In loving memory of

Jessica Zifchak

Her courage, inspiration and smile

Remain in our hearts 1984 - 2009

My special thanks to everyone who has touched our lives in person or through words. Your consoling comfort is felt as strongly now as it always has been, especially over this past year. Your love and thoughtfulness will be forever in our hearts as we attempt to move forward in life. And may each and every one of you be blessed ten-fold for all the kindness that you have shown to us.

"Good night Miss Jessica. I love you."

On Father's Day of last year our "circle" began to breathe life. Little did we know nor could we ever have imagined that on June 21st, it was but the beginning to an end...

I just recently spent three full days in the heart of Ohio's Amish Country at a secluded, hillside inn overlooking Mother Earth's rolling landscape. This yearning grew stronger as the seasons changed from Winter to Spring and as my life was beginning to show signs of unraveling. My wish - to have time alone, away from the world and the reality played into everyday life, to reflect and to write.... to place upon paper the images that continuously re-play in my mind, and which have been haunting my thoughts and my entire being since Jessica left our lives....those of the hell that she endured in those final days...the hell that I witnessed, at times quite alone, where I could do little more than love her, attempt to comfort her...and watch...and pray...

But that which I so desperately hoped to pen remained confined within the webs of my thoughts. And I realized something personally profound....perhaps that which is mine to bear, is mine to bear alone, for as much as this lives within me, it also needs to be imprisioned where it exists... and when my final breath is drawn, it can escape, for then it will have no other one to harm. But for now, much of the past needs to rest where it lays, as I hope that those who knew and loved Jessica, may finally be accepting life within their new normal.

But reflect is something that I was able to do - on aspects of my life that I had hoped would not need such care. And on my final night in what is truly God's Country, I did pen a thought for the world to see....in the "Guest Book" so proudly displayed with the writings of many who have appreciated their time at this inn...for others to see as they pass through and experience life in a simpler and perhaps at times, more desirable way:

June 14-18, 2010
Hoping to find inner peace was my goal for this journey as the "first year" is coming full circle since my 24-year-old daughter Jessica died from Hodgkin’s Disease. The solitude here allows me to hear my thoughts and put them to rest as nature sings her songs, while the wonder of God’s beauty gives me strength to draw upon. And being in such a beautiful, spacious and comfortable physical surrounding has helped me to achieve some of what I have been searching for. And for that, I thank you.

Life truly is "One Day at a Time"

"Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you."

"You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

-- David Harkins

I am a Mother. This has always been my most honored role in life and now, when asked if I have children, my reply is, "Yes. I have three daughters...but we lost our daughter Jessica last July..."

This past Sunday was my first Mothers Day as a mom of two living children, and the days leading up to it were more difficult than I could ever have imagined. My family and friends helped me through it the best that they could with wonderful company, food and gifts, but this void that exists only grew larger and stronger as the day went on. The "life" that surrounds me continues to create emotional turmoil and I am finding that I now happily immerse myself in my work - which has become a safe haven for me, and helps my days to move forward. Yes. I am most grateful for who and what I do have in my life, yet I yearn for that which was taken...from all of us...

And on May 8th, as we marked yet one more month in time without our Jessica, another precious, young life was taken from this earth much too soon. Our heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with Mitchell's family as their struggle begins....

Another marker of time...

Twenty-one years ago today, I lost my left breast to cancer and was given a Stage II prognosis. My greatest fear was to leave my husband alone to raise our three daughters, then age 7, 4 and 4. I carried a heavy heart knowing that there was a possibility that they could grow up not fully remembering me...and how very much I loved them.

Jessica introduced the word "Cancerversary" to our vocabulary after her own diagnosis and subsequent one-year mark, and last year on my 20th Cancerversary, she and Stefanie surprised me with a family dinner celebration. Her blog from that day still brings tears to my eyes as I continue to appreciate the hero that she was. She called me brave from the battles I waged when all the while she was the true warrior. Her fight was so much tougher than mine and with more twists and turns than any of us could ever have imagined, yet she smiled, inspired and tried her hardest to become a survivor herself. Yes. I did survive my battle. But the scars I bear come from the fight that I had hoped to help her win.

Jessica closed her entry with the following quote which I feel needs repeating, especially today:

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Three months...90 days...and no - I won't allow myself to count the hours and minutes. But let it be said that Phileas Fogg managed to travel around the entire world in a mere eighty days. July 8th seems like a life time ago, as the last 30 of these days have not managed to quicken their pace whatsoever within my heart.

Since Jessica passed, I have shared some of my inner most thoughts with you. My love, my sorrow and some of my deepest pain have been revealed through my words. And the joy that has reappeared through the cracks of life have also been scripted within. But here today, as we place yet another dash on our individual timelines, is something that was written after Jessica died that came from the depths of another heart, and who has allowed me the honor of sharing their words with you and the world.

As most of you may know, we live in the small community of Girard, which is centered between the Youngstown and Warren area in Northeast Ohio. Although I have blogged in the past about the wonderful community support that we have received on Jessica's behalf, no one has said it better than "YanniBgoode", who's article also appears on our city's website. My profound thanks to "Yanni" along with our deepest gratitude.

Only in Girard

With apologies to the Rolling Stones, please allow me to introduce myself. I'm probably better known in Girard as 'YanniBgoode' so I decided to just keep that moniker here. Like Al Bundy, I'm married with children both of whom are proud products of the Girard School System. And frankly, if anyone cares to debate the quality of said system, I'll be happy to take the "pro" side and lay you ten points. But I digress as this is a subject for another piece. Regardless, we've resided in town for 35 years in two different homes, in two different wards. In other words, we stayed here because we wanted to. One reason is in the title of the entry. "Only in Girard" is a statement when accompanied by an eye roll for emphasis. You know, "I hear they're trying to put another landfill in town." "Only in Girard." Though this may be true, the naysayers often omit the fact that it's being fought tooth and nail by the administration and a citizen's group to which should be added, "Only in Girard".

Which brings me to my point.

As most reading this probably already know, a few weeks ago Girard lost a beautiful and courageous young lady of 24 to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It was a four-year battle but that cancer had no clue what it was up against. It not only had to deal with a young lady and her family who failed to learn the definition of "quit" but it also had to contend with a town that only knew how to stampede when it heard the word "help".

This particular "Only in Girard" moment started last winter. Hodgkin's Lymphoma is a rarely fatal strain of cancer especially when detected early and even more "especially" when the stricken is young. Both criteria were met in this case only it wasn't going away. Stubborn is way too nice a word for it. Gut stubborn it was. Chemo, radiation...the whole nine yards and she was still taking two steps forward and one step back.

The best chance for her was a bone marrow transplant but no match showed in the National Registry so the family decided to put on a donor drive of their own. Word of time and place spread but it was anyone's guess how many or few would show. After all, it would cost money and the procedure was a bit more painful than a pinprick.

You can imagine the surprise by all involved when hundreds showed up at the Girard Free Library to literally share their body. Friends, strangers, in-laws, out-laws...you name it and they poured in with their unselfish support.

Now, upfront I want to say that if there is a mass outbreak of acne in Girard, you can point a finger at this candy bar sale. These things sold like Willy Wonka's bars when he gave the lucky buyers a chance to tour his factory. Local merchants were selling out almost daily and better yet, it wasn't rare when fifty or sixty dollars was returned for a thirty-dollar box of bars. Brine's Pharmacy was nothing short of a re-ordering machine and the noteworthy thing there is that Paul has a wide variety of candy for sale there himself. He was not only offering the family a sales outlet, he was also sacrificing his own profits for the cause. Only in Girard.

Candy sales alone weren't about to raise the kind of money needed so the idea of a spaghetti dinner fundraiser was the next plan. Yet this could be an expense. Food, drink, a hall...ouch! But again, Only in Girard. The I.F.H. DONATED their hall, their kitchen, their members, and all the support that could possibly be needed. When thanked for it, Myron Esposito simply said, "Hey, this is what we do". God bless every one of them.

All the food and drinks were donated. There was a huge bake sale - the remnants of which was but a handful of crumbs. A raffle of scores of items donated by local merchants, professionals, and individuals alike provided an array of goodies and collectibles the like of which are seldom, if ever, seen under one roof.

By the time all was said and done, there probably wasn't a person in town that in some way, shape or form didn't participate in her fight.

Sometimes all the money, prayers, and outpouring of love can't defeat this despicable monster and, sadly, this was the case here. The agony of her loss is indeed profound but also is the legacy of her spirit, fight, and smile. If everyone who was touched by her during her too short life is a little better for it, what more could be asked for?

The bottom line? The next time you hear someone say, "ONLY IN GIRARD" followed by the requisite eye roll, just turn to them, smile and say, "You got that right, I tellya what"!

September 8, 2009

Two months. I look at the calendar in amazement that it has only been two months. Although there have been days where the hands of time have moved quicker than my thoughts have, there have been more of them where the seconds of each minute have done little more than crawl by.

My mind is still adjusting to the cold hard fact that Jessica is not on an extended trip. And there are still those times when I go to her room with a hopeful anticipation of seeing her asleep in her bed or getting ready for her day. But she will not be home tomorrow or in the days to come and her room's quiet character remains as it was with picture upon picture adorning her walls of family and friends whom she loved...all showing her happy and smiling and enjoying her life with us. Time itself has stood still in her room but in a much happier place. And now there is no possibility of another earthly trip for Jessica, but then I expect that up in Heaven her eternity is now one of a restful, leisurely journey!

Visits to the cemetery are a real comfort to me. I know that she is not there...only her body remains, yet talking with her in her final place on earth helps me to heal. And as the angel on her grave sits in a restful pose, I imagine that Jessica too has that same kind of peace surrounding her. I look back over the last four years and all that she endured, and I can only say that no one deserves that peaceful rest more than she does. Peace. Rest. Tranquility. All that is good and full of love and comfort, I wish for my daughter for whom I can now give nothing else.

Whenever a rock was thrown in Jessica's path over the years we would always tell each other, ok, we'll adjust to this "new normal" and we did that more times than I care to remember. We'd "go with the flow", because you "gotta do what you gotta do", "because it is what it is", yadda, yadda, yadda.... And now, here I am, doing my best to accept this "new normal".....but it's without her and there is nothing even remotely normal about this path. The ache in my heart is as consuming as it was when she left us...the void in my life just as large.

Please know that I do accept this reality that has been thrust upon our family, yet that makes it no easier to mask the pain. Life does go on as we all know. Who among us has not felt this same kind of emptiness or known the fear of continuing onward without that one special person by our side? I cannot believe that Jessica would want our lives to stop because she was called away. God's journey for her ended so much sooner than any of us ever imagined. But her work on earth was completed and she was called Home. As Edgar Guest wrote in the beginning of To All Parents, "I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine", He said. "For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead. It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three, But will you, till I call her back, Take care of her for Me? She'll bring her charms to gladden you, And shall her stay be brief, You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief." And memories we have. So many, many wonderful memories of a beautiful young lady who gave so much more than she received, and no matter what life threw her way, she loved us, taught us and made us feel that it was, and always would be ok...with that beautiful, heartwarming smile....
The above poem ends with: I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done! For all the joy thy child shall bring, The risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may, And for the happiness we've known Forever grateful stay; But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes And try to understand.

And yes, we are trying to understand....

But one thing that I have learned is that I am a better person by having had the privilege of helping Jess through her journey and for being given the opportunity to love her all her life and help care for her throughout it. Believe me when I say that I would do it all again in a heartbeat without any hesitation. I know that the day will come when living again becomes an easier thing to do because we all still have so much to live for. And when our work here is done, then we too will be called Home. And not a moment before. So for now it's one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. No more, no less...and that's ok, because I know that Jessica is now helping me get through this new journey that we're all on...


"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Martin Luther King, Jr.