September 8, 2009

Two months. I look at the calendar in amazement that it has only been two months. Although there have been days where the hands of time have moved quicker than my thoughts have, there have been more of them where the seconds of each minute have done little more than crawl by.

My mind is still adjusting to the cold hard fact that Jessica is not on an extended trip. And there are still those times when I go to her room with a hopeful anticipation of seeing her asleep in her bed or getting ready for her day. But she will not be home tomorrow or in the days to come and her room's quiet character remains as it was with picture upon picture adorning her walls of family and friends whom she loved...all showing her happy and smiling and enjoying her life with us. Time itself has stood still in her room but in a much happier place. And now there is no possibility of another earthly trip for Jessica, but then I expect that up in Heaven her eternity is now one of a restful, leisurely journey!

Visits to the cemetery are a real comfort to me. I know that she is not there...only her body remains, yet talking with her in her final place on earth helps me to heal. And as the angel on her grave sits in a restful pose, I imagine that Jessica too has that same kind of peace surrounding her. I look back over the last four years and all that she endured, and I can only say that no one deserves that peaceful rest more than she does. Peace. Rest. Tranquility. All that is good and full of love and comfort, I wish for my daughter for whom I can now give nothing else.

Whenever a rock was thrown in Jessica's path over the years we would always tell each other, ok, we'll adjust to this "new normal" and we did that more times than I care to remember. We'd "go with the flow", because you "gotta do what you gotta do", "because it is what it is", yadda, yadda, yadda.... And now, here I am, doing my best to accept this "new normal".....but it's without her and there is nothing even remotely normal about this path. The ache in my heart is as consuming as it was when she left us...the void in my life just as large.

Please know that I do accept this reality that has been thrust upon our family, yet that makes it no easier to mask the pain. Life does go on as we all know. Who among us has not felt this same kind of emptiness or known the fear of continuing onward without that one special person by our side? I cannot believe that Jessica would want our lives to stop because she was called away. God's journey for her ended so much sooner than any of us ever imagined. But her work on earth was completed and she was called Home. As Edgar Guest wrote in the beginning of To All Parents, "I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine", He said. "For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead. It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three, But will you, till I call her back, Take care of her for Me? She'll bring her charms to gladden you, And shall her stay be brief, You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief." And memories we have. So many, many wonderful memories of a beautiful young lady who gave so much more than she received, and no matter what life threw her way, she loved us, taught us and made us feel that it was, and always would be ok...with that beautiful, heartwarming smile....
The above poem ends with: I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done! For all the joy thy child shall bring, The risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may, And for the happiness we've known Forever grateful stay; But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes And try to understand.

And yes, we are trying to understand....

But one thing that I have learned is that I am a better person by having had the privilege of helping Jess through her journey and for being given the opportunity to love her all her life and help care for her throughout it. Believe me when I say that I would do it all again in a heartbeat without any hesitation. I know that the day will come when living again becomes an easier thing to do because we all still have so much to live for. And when our work here is done, then we too will be called Home. And not a moment before. So for now it's one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. No more, no less...and that's ok, because I know that Jessica is now helping me get through this new journey that we're all on...


"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Martin Luther King, Jr.