"All God's angels come to us disguised" -James Russell Lowell

I am rather uncomfortable with the attempts of compassion where I am told that Jessica is watching over me - or that she is with me and will help me through my trials. Yes, there are times when I feel a presence, but I struggle with the possibility that it is really her.....

Even before Jessica's death, there were conflicts in my life that I had hoped to shield her from. We were close and shared so much, but I didn't want her to have additional stresses or added pressures. Her fight was complicated enough. And after her earthly battle was lost, the hope of her finally being able to rest was the one thing that gave me a bit of peace. So I wrestle with the thought that she can witness my anguish or feel my pain, as I know the sadness that this would cause her. So I would tell myself that the presence I felt or the signs that I saw came from her Guardian Angel or perhaps my own, or maybe it was a sign sent directly from Heaven - to comfort me and to tell me that my Jessica really was ok now...

Last June 20th I wrote of my Amish country sabbatical and of my struggle to find the solitude that I so desperately needed. That same struggle has yet to find closure but from it came an undeniable sign from the Heavens.

The above picture was taken during my trip as I attempted to capture the glitter of the leaves from the warm but rustling winds. There were five failed attempts to grasp its beauty, but not until my recent (and very delayed) printing of these memories did I realize the true meaning of this tree demanding my attention!

Today I mark my 22nd year as a Cancer Survivor. After Jess was diagnosed I expected our family to celebrate two Cancerversarys a year, but instead the scar of Jess' date is forever etched in my own. But this year is commemorated with one of the most beautiful gifts that I could ever receive - one that I wish to share with you! Look closely at the clouds in the upper right side of the picture. There you will clearly see a distinct "cancer ribbon" formed within the cloud overlooking the tree...and me... Perhaps it is there to remind us that sometimes we truly can't see that which is right in our midst...our focus becomes so narrowly intense that we fail to seize the opportunities quietly being laid upon us.

But then again, maybe it's just God's angels, coming to us in disguise....letting us know that our loved ones "really are ok now"...and someday, we will see them again...

We just need to Believe...

Goodnight Miss Jessica. I love you.
You are forever in my heart...