17 Years...

I remember hearing, and often believing, that Time heals all wounds.

I beg to differ...

Today I sit here, completely perplexed about what to say to you, even though so much has taken place this past year; and with every event I have silently wished that you could give me your thoughts, wisdom, and at times, your shoulder. For only being 24, you had the heart and soul of someone who lived a lifetime. But I digress.

Don't get me wrong - there has definitely been good to focus on. Adam's treatment is working well, although it's been a long process. But he feels good and has been enjoying life with his family, just as we prayed for. All of the kids in the family are happy and busy, and they continue to give us so much to be proud of. And me? Well, my time was filled with more travel and fun than I've experienced in years! Last fall I "substituted" for Uncle Mike on their family cruise before I traveled to San Antonio with Aunt Karin to spend time with Kristen and Nolan! Then I flew down to Florida where Nicole and I spent your and Stefanie's birthday in Key West. On that beautiful calm evening, we gently tossed flowers into the ocean at sunset to celebrate, honor, and remember you. It was both heart wrenching and humbling to do so. 

And then this past January I celebrated Nicole's birthday and a late Christmas with her and all of my Florida family as we've done for years. We had a wonderful time!

But it wasn't long after that when my world started to fall apart. Again. Cancer. Round 3.

We knew that this could happen, but we surely didn't expect it so soon. Although the cancer was confined to the abdomen, surgery wasn't an option due to the way it had spread. Tilly the Tumor (yes - I named it!!) was an angry little *itch but she, and all her little friends, were quickly evicted as noted by the scans that were done after chemo #3. NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE! Praise God! My final (#6) treatment was recently completed, although immunotherapy will continue for another year, with the hope of a very long remission. 

You know Jess, the hardest part of these last 6 months has been remembering... your diagnosis, your surgeries, your treatments, your relapses, your transplants, your pain, your fatigue...all of the horrific moments - moments, hours, and days -  that were supposed to let you live... 

This current journey has given me an even deeper respect for how you handled your many trials, and so much more, with pure utter Grace. I always felt that my first journey was given to me so that I could help you through yours, and I believe that it did help us both; and you also taught me so much, and continue to teach me now, for which I am thankful. Your incredible strength has always been admired, and there are moments when I can feel that strength within me, for which I am grateful. But Jess, sometimes, I am just tired...and my quiet existence becomes both deafening and crushing. I miss you. Every. Single. Day. Your love, your support, and especially your smile. You sure knew how to light up a room!

Even though Life has been challenging and Disappointment creeps into my world without notice, I am truly appreciative for the amazing Tribe that does surround me. They share in my days and allow me to share in theirs. They help me through my many trials and lift my spirits, as I push myself to keep moving forward, until my work here is done. 

Yes. So much has changed. The vision of my family and my life as Time would tick away has long since disappeared. How different would all our lives be, had you been given the gift of staying here with us...

No. 

Time hasn't healed my wounds or my shattered heart. 

They just live differently within me.

I'm trying Jess...I'm trying...

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you. Always.

Sometimes you just get tired...

not the sleepy kind,

but the kind where your soul just

doesn't want to try anymore.

-Anonymous