Birthday Wishes

Birthdays can be bittersweet, but none more so than today's. I know that the struggle is real for me, and each year, on this  date, I can only imagine how difficult it is for Stefanie.

Today marks the 10th celebration without Jessica. Ten birthdays with only one cake. Ten birthdays with only one heart sharing in it... 

Yet, I am comforted. I know that Jessica is celebrating with more of our family who have joined her, as we celebrate all that we continue to be blessed with, while we also remember the joyous times that we once shared together.

For your birthdays this year, I want to make the wishes. I wish for my angels to have the peace that we crave for them both. And, I wish for Stefanie to know just how complete she truly is, even without her best friend standing by her side.

Stefanie-you have taught us all how to survive after a horrendous loss, and you do so with such grace. You are a lovable, thoughtful, strong, and caring person, and I am so proud of all that you have become. I wish you a wonderful day, not because it's your birthday, but because you deserve all that is good. And special. Just like you. 

And yes, I can hear Jessica wishing you the same...

Lastly, my wish for us all is to enjoy this day, while giving thanks for what we now have, for all that we've enjoyed in the past, and for that which is yet to be.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
Happy Birthday Stefanie.
I wish you each a beautiful day.

I love you both with all my heart. Always.

When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, look for stars.

 -Unknown.

Nine years

Time, I've been told, heals all wounds. In my heart I know the potential exists. And although I still carry the same hope and optimism that I held a year ago, much has changed to hinder Time's intent.  Jessica, you continue to reunite with family; I continue to lose mine as my parents, your Oma and Opa, have both now joined you in Heaven, taking with them yet another piece of my shattered heart.

We all learn to live with grief if we are given the privilege of truly living and loving in our lifetime. But once grief has taken hold, it will gain power and strength, if left unharnessed.

My grief of late swells and subsides, and at times overwhelms, as emotions implode. Memories of our last holiday together, from the confines of your hospital room, flood my thoughts with each display of colored light and thunderous sound.

And attempts to take control back from my grief are often in vain. But I won't let grief win.

I know that I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for. And I am. Not only for all that I have now, but for all that I was blessed with in the past. And I vow to do my best to find the good in each day, and honor your memory by living life to the fullest, just as you always did Jessica, even when fate kept altering your plans.

So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

-D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's

For Stefanie and Jessica...

Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my heavenly and earthly angels. May our Jessica rejoice in Heaven with her father, Oma, and Justin, as we rejoice here on Earth with our Stefanie and her loving family.

And as we celebrate these two beautiful souls today, may we also continue to be grateful for all that has been given to us, and for all which still lies ahead...

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both more than you can possibly know.
Always.

A Cloud is just a cloud, until we frame it in light.

-Hasna

Eight Years

Every year at this time, my greatest wish is to celebrate you Jessica, just as Stefanie continues to do with her Annual Ice Cream Day. Our family and friends gather to reminisce, while we enjoy ice cream in your honor. And every year you are with us, as we share memories, and love…and tears…

You know Jess…for the last eight years there has been a deafening silence in this house, most noticeably within your room. There are so many memories buried there, deep within the crevices of those walls, where so much love and laughter was once shared, along with your hopes and dreams. But then those dreams were shattered and life, for us, would never be the same.

Lately though, little by little, I have been finding the courage to unlock the veils of protection that your room had created to shield it from its past. With encouragement by those who love you as I do, I found what I believe will bring a smile to your eyes, and the laughter that you cherished, back to where it all began.

Soon the transformation will be complete.  Jack & Amelia will be surrounded by many of your treasured possessions as they play and sleep where you did…laugh as you would have…and make beautiful new memories…all in a place that you once called your own. 

I can picture you watching over and playing with them as though you were here. Laughing and joking and being the aunt that you always dreamed of becoming. How they would have loved you…how you would have loved them, if only given the chance…

I was always so proud of you Jessica, and I hope that my decision to celebrate you - by bringing love, life, and laughter back to where it was once so abundant, will make you proud as well. I miss you Jessica. Every moment…of every day.

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you. Always.

Missing my mother...my friend...

A year ago I recited Linda Ellis's poem The Dash at my mother's funeral.  There was so much life in between her dates, and I was both honored and humbled to speak of the love that she gave to so many during that time.

Somehow though, it seems wrong to have had that final year inscribed.  Her spirit is still conspicuously alive when she helps calm my troubled soul, and her love always surrounds and comforts me when I hear her heartfelt words.

And she is so often seen through those little reminders that shine within our lives.  Her beautiful smile lives on - in the faces of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  And her words of wisdom flow freely from her own daughters lips. 

My pride and gratitude for my amazing mother reveals itself as I stand back and pray - that someday, I can give to those whom I love, what my mother gave to so many of us.

We have been missing this wonderful lady for some time now, as death laid its claim long after her disease stole her from us.  But her memory, and legacy, continue to live on.

Mom – I love you.

Always.

January 12, 1933 - October 12, 2015

"There is no death, daughter. People only die when we forget them", 

my mother explained shortly before she left me.  

"If you remember me, I will be with you always."

-Isabel Allende, Chilean-American author

Kiss Jessica for me...

Birthday Celebrations...

Today marks the eighth birthday where Stefanie and Jessica celebrate their day, but without each other.

Not being able to have both of our angels here on earth has left such an enormous hole in all of our hearts. But knowing that Jessica now has her Oma, and her father, to celebrate this day with her, helps lessen the struggle within us. 

Each year on this day, we should consciously look forward to what our future continues to write, and be grateful for all that has been given, and is still being given to us; and, to be more appreciative for everything in life that we once had the privilege to be a part of.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both with all my heart.
Always.

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, 

but to add color to my sunset sky.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Seven Years

Today we will gather to celebrate you, Jessica.  Friends and family alike will reminisce with their loved ones as they share ice cream in your memory.  For four years now this “celebration” has taken place - the same number of years since your nephew Jack entered into our lives.

And we continue to encourage everyone to join in on the Annual “Celebrate We Will, Because Life Is Short, but Sweet for Certain” ice cream day, as we are once again reminded of how sweet life is - and how short it can be.

Yes.  This year there will be even more heartfelt tears among the many smiles around us.  Not only has our beloved Oma become a part of your world, but so too, has your father.  Two more souls, no longer weighted down by their earthly struggles.

Jessica, it is my deepest hope that you can see how much love still surrounds you, and all of the loved ones we’ve lost since you’ve been gone.  My thoughts get lost in the vision of you and Justin smiling as you raise your glasses, while our broken hearts mourn those that you are welcoming home…and how I silently wish…that it was me…

But I know that one day we will be together again, just as I know that the lifework that has been entrusted to me, is not yet realized.  So until that moment in time is reached, my greatest wish is that you will always know how much I love you…and miss you…

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you.

Always.