16 Years...

Another year has passed and Time continues to taunt me as it slowly lurks forward while cautiously holding back. So much has changed, yet stayed the same...with the good and the bad often intertwined.

Since my last letter to you, Time allowed me to experience my only Bucket List wish - to witness the Alaskan Northern Lights! Bill, Aunt Karin, and Uncle Mike shared in my dream and we had a wonderful trip - although said Time was somewhat marred by Bill’s Parkinson’s and Lewy Body symptoms. But the lights gave us a spectacular show on our two nights in Fairbanks, and we had the flight of a lifetime on a Cessna sightseeing tour in Anchorage! Many beautiful memories amongst the challenges. And now, thankfully, medication has been helping us all enjoy more Time together, Time...sprinkled with a little Grace.

Then, a few months later, Time held still as Bill’s mom Helen lost her short earthly battle. She enjoyed a long and happy life and we miss her. I hope that you were one of the many who welcomed her to Heaven. I’m sure you’ll love her as much as we did, and I imagine that she and Oma will have lots to share.

And Time just burdened us with more heartache with the passing of "Aunt Sandi". Oh how she loved you...as you did her. The love, support, friendship, and help that she gave us before, during, and after your journey will never be forgotten. She was such a special soul and I have no doubt that this was a joyous reunion for you both. She will be missed by many here who loved her...

But Time certainly did move forward with Joy as little Rocco, who spent so much Time with you during the first two years of his life, graduated high school! He will be attending YSU and living on campus this Fall! You would be so proud of him and his little brother Trent! And speaking of pride, you would be beaming over Jack and Amelia! Now 13 and 10, they have already accomplished so much in life. They are kind, loving, and intelligent - just really wonderful kids! I am so proud of them. I hope that Time will be good to all of our youngsters, and help them fulfill their dreams.

And me? Well, Time decided to repeat itself and gave me Cancer. Round 2. Treatment will be starting soon and I pray that more Time is in my future. I know that we've had discussions about being ready to join you, but maybe…not just yet. Yes Jess. I am tired. There are moments when I just want to give in and rest... And yes, I know that I still get tangled up in all of my heartache, and I struggle to separate from Grief. But lately, somehow, I’ve actually been noticing that Time keeps giving us tiny reminders, reminders to encourage us to live in the moment, and fully enjoy each one that we’re blessed with. We all need to stop wasting Time, and wishing it away. We need to embrace all Time, and perhaps quietly pray for it to stay a little longer.

But now, all of my prayers for Strength, Healing, and Time are pouring over Stefanie and Adam. Time has paused itself on a barbed dagger as they begin to navigate Adam’s cancer journey. I believe that they will come through this stronger than ever, and if you, God, and the family have any power to watch over them, I know that you will. I am hopeful that they will be given a bright future once this chapter of Time has closed. 

God…how I miss you. I miss our talks, your blunt advice and the hugs that you reluctantly gave (LOL), the moments where we were just together, and most of all...your smile... How I wish that Time had been kinder by sharing more of itself with you. You deserved that and so much more. You deserved to live a full life, to share in our joy, and weep through our sorrows. And we all deserved to bask in your Love, Comfort, and Kindness - especially as we maneuver through the difficulties of Life...

I am thankful for the time we were given

whilst cursing the time we had stolen. 

-Afterevalyn

Until next Time...

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

If your path demands you to walk through hell,

walk as if you own the place.

- anonymous

15 Years...

If it were anything other than death, 15 years would most certainly warrant a grand celebration. Instead, it only reinforces the heartache and disbelief that’s been present since you left.

But here we are. Another year without you.

Little has changed, including the wonder of how life could have…should have been...

And as the days pass by, I keep reminding myself to live, and enjoy life as it is, with all that I have and am grateful for. I know full well that my time is becoming more precious, and that I still have much to do before I see you again. And I strive to emulate how you kept pushing forward, while showing us patience, grace, kindness, and love.

God…how I miss you…

You don’t get over it, you just get through it.

You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it.

It doesn’t get better, it just gets different.

Everyday…grief puts on a new face.

-Wendy Feireisen

(Grieving Mothers)

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

-Winston Churchill

14 Years...

Life should be so different.

It should be full of love and happiness.
It should be all that we wished for when we were young.
It should be spent with you, here with us.

So many hopes vanish with our child when they are taken from us...
So many dreams are buried with them...
So much love that became lost, remains captive in our hearts…
Sometimes that unhealed wound needs to be disturbed so the pain can be released.
Sometimes that pain is the only thing that can pierce the emptiness, the void, the ongoing grief.

Yes. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. God has been good to me in many ways, and I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with.

And yes, time does pass. It may not heal, but it moves forward; always giving hope for better days.

Life is a little different now Jessica. I have retired from the workforce. And I am hoping for more joys in life, joys that can actually be felt - perhaps releasing the power that can remove this ironclad mask. And, if this could take place, maybe…hopefully... many of those agonizing moments of your final weeks, can finally find peace in my tormented soul.

You know Jessica, perhaps I am still young at heart, even though each letter to you adds to my years. And yet, as that number increases, I can't help but feel that my work is still not done; and as much as I hope to stay on this earth until it is, I am also at peace for our eventual reunion. And when that day does come, may God allow those who remain to think of us with love as they mourn, yet rejoice in His decision; for then, so much that had been lost, will be found again.

Fourteen years.

How...how have I survived?

"Everyone is afraid of dying, until you lose a child...

then you're afraid of living."

-Taken from Many Phases And Faces Of A Mother's Grief

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you. Always.

"And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken." 

-Tiffanie DeBartolo

13 years...

Today's message is not as impactful as others may have been. And as I read through the years, I find that to this date, I have failed in delivering your story. But, a journal of gratitude was born this year; a daily reminder of all that I have in my life, all of which I am both thankful and grateful for. I’d like to share yesterday, July 7:

I am grateful for the honor of caring for my loved ones after their passing. Especially for my daughter Jessica. And today, fresh flowers and trinkets of love were placed on her grave on a beautiful afternoon at Tod. The white billowing clouds filled the sky while a warm breeze floated around me. Yet through the peace, I found it difficult to hold back the tears that struggled to be set free. This surely isn’t how I imagined my life. She shouldn’t have had to leave us. So many questions still, in the midst of never ending heartache. But God writes our story, and I am asked to accept what is given. And as painful as it is...I do. So yes. I am truly grateful, and blessed, to be part of this sacred honor.

And now there's today. Your anniversary of 13 years. Tell me - did our nightmare take place yesterday, or a lifetime ago? My heart often battles with my mind when asked. It’s so hard to grasp that it’s yet one more year without your beautiful smile, your kind and loving soul, your amazing outlook on life. I miss so many things about you, and time hasn't found a way to ease that pain. But I continue to move forward with every day that I’m granted, because I know that is what you wanted, and one day, when it is my time, my heart will smile again.

Until then, good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"When we die," asked Rabbit, "where do we go?"

"Into the hearts of those who have loved us most," said Bear.

"That way we're together forever."

-T. Shannon

Twelve...

Every anniversary is difficult; this one is no exception. And every year as it appears, I write with the intent to be positive about life, because good does exist, although my heart begs to differ. 

Twelve.
How can it be twelve years since you left us? How can it still feel like yesterday as well as a lifetime ago? How is it that the void still consumes my entire being?

Much of life has remained the same this past year, yet change has surely evolved. We've all learned to adjust to survive the pandemic, but the world is still divided on so many issues, both political and humanitarian. The children are growing and thriving, despite the months of upheaval. And through it all, everyone here on earth has been doing their best to reclaim what feels normal.

Normal.  What is normal? The heartache that never rests? The dreams that will never see life? The future that will never come to be...

My thought of late was to bring closure to this site, along with it's ever present sorrow. But your Aunt Karin encouraged me to continue, if only for your anniversary tribute. Within this conversation to move onward, a new purpose in life emerged for me. I know it won't come easily, quickly, or without difficulty, but it's time to tell the full story. Your story. Yours - where future generations can learn about love, strength, and fortitude. About how their Jessica never gave up, even in her darkest days, and how her courageous smile always helped those around her feel at ease. How she never gave up hope...and refused to let us do so. Yes Jessica. You are, and always have been, an inspiration - and it never shined brighter than when you struggled the most...and I will do my best to make you proud as I show the world what a precious treasure it lost.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"There are places and moments in which one is so completely alone

that one sees the world entire."

-Jules Renard

Eleven years...

"I cannot think of anyone stronger
 than a mother who has lost her child and still breathes." 

-Robyna May

Eleven years. And I still keep trying to find that strength. To some, it may appear effortless, but when the mask is removed, the tears and anguish emerge.

Some days are harder than others; some years hold more struggle than most. That is the kind of year, that this year is for me. COVID-19, protests, political divide, so much unrest in our world; but the worst of it all, is not being able to hold my loved ones as tightly and often as before...

The universe challenges all that I know and has, yet once again, pierced the hole in my heart that continuously hopes to soften.

Hope. I, too, seek out hope. Hope to move forward, without moving back. Hope to find more joy, than sorrow. Hope to find more love, than heartache. Hope...to find peace.

My visit to Tod to place our ceremonial flowers did create a bit of that vision. The green, pink, and red carnations smiled as they were lovingly placed into the vase, with a butterfly pick, holding a butterfly trinket, that reads, "always in my thoughts and prayers". Because you are.

The warm breeze then embraced me as I marveled at the beautiful sky; while there on the ground, among the masses of clover, I saw the lone dandelion puff. Just. Like. Last year...

Can wishing upon this beautiful fluff of seed really make our dreams come true?

There is no answer. Only hope.

But, I did make a wish Jessica. For you. I wish that you have peace; the elusive peace that I so desire. May Heaven be all that we pray for it to be, as I wish, and hope, that one day, you will be there to welcome me home.

And then, perhaps, I will, have peace.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"Everyone we love builds a home in our heart. 

And when they are gone, we spend eternity staring at their empty seat." 

-Shakieb Orgunwall

Ten Years

Every year on this date, I selfishly wish for the same thing: to have the hours of this day move quickly, and with less heartache than those of years past. And yet somehow...it never does.

My entire being has been struggling, attempting to grasp the fact that you’ve been gone for 10 years. And, through it all, I still can't help but wonder how different life would be, if only God had allowed you to stay with us.

And with that I look back. One year ago. My words. So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

I've not done well with fulfilling that promise...

Ironically though, while visiting you at the cemetery yesterday, I caught sight of a dandelion puff. The only one among all of the flowers and the vast clover field. It kept my attention, begging me to capture its essence. I immortalized it. Once home, I did what any of us would do...I googled it and found these symbolisms on flowermeaning.com:
   Healing from emotional pain and physical injury alike
   Surviving through all challenges and difficulties
   Getting your wish fulfilled

My wish. Jessica, maybe there is hope after all. Maybe that optimism that once filled my soul will  resurface, and our next journey can truly begin. Maybe the answers to so many questions will finally reveal themselves. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally find my peace...

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

"In the end, we'll all become stories."

-Margaret Atwood

Birthday Wishes

Birthdays can be bittersweet, but none more so than today's. I know that the struggle is real for me, and each year, on this  date, I can only imagine how difficult it is for Stefanie.

Today marks the 10th celebration without Jessica. Ten birthdays with only one cake. Ten birthdays with only one heart sharing in it... 

Yet, I am comforted. I know that Jessica is celebrating with more of our family who have joined her, as we celebrate all that we continue to be blessed with, while we also remember the joyous times that we once shared together.

For your birthdays this year, I want to make the wishes. I wish for my angels to have the peace that we crave for them both. And, I wish for Stefanie to know just how complete she truly is, even without her best friend standing by her side.

Stefanie-you have taught us all how to survive after a horrendous loss, and you do so with such grace. You are a lovable, thoughtful, strong, and caring person, and I am so proud of all that you have become. I wish you a wonderful day, not because it's your birthday, but because you deserve all that is good. And special. Just like you. 

And yes, I can hear Jessica wishing you the same...

Lastly, my wish for us all is to enjoy this day, while giving thanks for what we now have, for all that we've enjoyed in the past, and for that which is yet to be.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
Happy Birthday Stefanie.
I wish you each a beautiful day.

I love you both with all my heart. Always.

When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, look for stars.

 -Unknown.

Nine years

Time, I've been told, heals all wounds. In my heart I know the potential exists. And although I still carry the same hope and optimism that I held a year ago, much has changed to hinder Time's intent.  Jessica, you continue to reunite with family; I continue to lose mine as my parents, your Oma and Opa, have both now joined you in Heaven, taking with them yet another piece of my shattered heart.

We all learn to live with grief if we are given the privilege of truly living and loving in our lifetime. But once grief has taken hold, it will gain power and strength, if left unharnessed.

My grief of late swells and subsides, and at times overwhelms, as emotions implode. Memories of our last holiday together, from the confines of your hospital room, flood my thoughts with each display of colored light and thunderous sound.

And attempts to take control back from my grief are often in vain. But I won't let grief win.

I know that I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for. And I am. Not only for all that I have now, but for all that I was blessed with in the past. And I vow to do my best to find the good in each day, and honor your memory by living life to the fullest, just as you always did Jessica, even when fate kept altering your plans.

So my dear Jessica...with love in our hearts and fear in our back pocket, let our next journey begin.

Good night Miss Jessica.
I love you. Always.

We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

-D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's

For Stefanie and Jessica...

Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my heavenly and earthly angels. May our Jessica rejoice in Heaven with her father, Oma, and Justin, as we rejoice here on Earth with our Stefanie and her loving family.

And as we celebrate these two beautiful souls today, may we also continue to be grateful for all that has been given to us, and for all which still lies ahead...

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both more than you can possibly know.
Always.

A Cloud is just a cloud, until we frame it in light.

-Hasna

Eight Years

Every year at this time, my greatest wish is to celebrate you Jessica, just as Stefanie continues to do with her Annual Ice Cream Day. Our family and friends gather to reminisce, while we enjoy ice cream in your honor. And every year you are with us, as we share memories, and love…and tears…

You know Jess…for the last eight years there has been a deafening silence in this house, most noticeably within your room. There are so many memories buried there, deep within the crevices of those walls, where so much love and laughter was once shared, along with your hopes and dreams. But then those dreams were shattered and life, for us, would never be the same.

Lately though, little by little, I have been finding the courage to unlock the veils of protection that your room had created to shield it from its past. With encouragement by those who love you as I do, I found what I believe will bring a smile to your eyes, and the laughter that you cherished, back to where it all began.

Soon the transformation will be complete.  Jack & Amelia will be surrounded by many of your treasured possessions as they play and sleep where you did…laugh as you would have…and make beautiful new memories…all in a place that you once called your own. 

I can picture you watching over and playing with them as though you were here. Laughing and joking and being the aunt that you always dreamed of becoming. How they would have loved you…how you would have loved them, if only given the chance…

I was always so proud of you Jessica, and I hope that my decision to celebrate you - by bringing love, life, and laughter back to where it was once so abundant, will make you proud as well. I miss you Jessica. Every moment…of every day.

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you. Always.

Missing my mother...my friend...

A year ago I recited Linda Ellis's poem The Dash at my mother's funeral.  There was so much life in between her dates, and I was both honored and humbled to speak of the love that she gave to so many during that time.

Somehow though, it seems wrong to have had that final year inscribed.  Her spirit is still conspicuously alive when she helps calm my troubled soul, and her love always surrounds and comforts me when I hear her heartfelt words.

And she is so often seen through those little reminders that shine within our lives.  Her beautiful smile lives on - in the faces of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  And her words of wisdom flow freely from her own daughters lips. 

My pride and gratitude for my amazing mother reveals itself as I stand back and pray - that someday, I can give to those whom I love, what my mother gave to so many of us.

We have been missing this wonderful lady for some time now, as death laid its claim long after her disease stole her from us.  But her memory, and legacy, continue to live on.

Mom – I love you.

Always.

January 12, 1933 - October 12, 2015

"There is no death, daughter. People only die when we forget them", 

my mother explained shortly before she left me.  

"If you remember me, I will be with you always."

-Isabel Allende, Chilean-American author

Kiss Jessica for me...

Birthday Celebrations...

Today marks the eighth birthday where Stefanie and Jessica celebrate their day, but without each other.

Not being able to have both of our angels here on earth has left such an enormous hole in all of our hearts. But knowing that Jessica now has her Oma, and her father, to celebrate this day with her, helps lessen the struggle within us. 

Each year on this day, we should consciously look forward to what our future continues to write, and be grateful for all that has been given, and is still being given to us; and, to be more appreciative for everything in life that we once had the privilege to be a part of.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.

Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both with all my heart.
Always.

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, 

but to add color to my sunset sky.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Seven Years

Today we will gather to celebrate you, Jessica.  Friends and family alike will reminisce with their loved ones as they share ice cream in your memory.  For four years now this “celebration” has taken place - the same number of years since your nephew Jack entered into our lives.

And we continue to encourage everyone to join in on the Annual “Celebrate We Will, Because Life Is Short, but Sweet for Certain” ice cream day, as we are once again reminded of how sweet life is - and how short it can be.

Yes.  This year there will be even more heartfelt tears among the many smiles around us.  Not only has our beloved Oma become a part of your world, but so too, has your father.  Two more souls, no longer weighted down by their earthly struggles.

Jessica, it is my deepest hope that you can see how much love still surrounds you, and all of the loved ones we’ve lost since you’ve been gone.  My thoughts get lost in the vision of you and Justin smiling as you raise your glasses, while our broken hearts mourn those that you are welcoming home…and how I silently wish…that it was me…

But I know that one day we will be together again, just as I know that the lifework that has been entrusted to me, is not yet realized.  So until that moment in time is reached, my greatest wish is that you will always know how much I love you…and miss you…

Good night Miss Jessica.

I love you.

Always.

The idea behind a kaleidoscope is that

 it's a structure that's filled with broken bits and pieces,

and somehow if you can look through them,

you still see something beautiful.

And I feel like we are all that way a little bit.

-Sara Bareilles

September 27, 2015

Happy Birthday to two of my angels who have brought so much love, joy and happiness

 into my life...and to all those who have, and continue to cross their paths.

Beautiful memories of birthdays long ago, remain in my heart as new ones are created.

"Our lives are not just measured in years.  

They are measured in the lives we touch."

-Josh Hutcherson

Happy Birthday Stefanie.

Happy Birthday Jessica.

I love you both with all my heart.

Always.

July 8, 2009 - July 8, 2015

When looking into the kaleidoscope of life, how is it that those long ago moments of time can, without even exhaling, appear as if they just happened?

Six years.

The “new normal” which grew out of that day has become a point of entry for the events of life that have since followed. Time has done little, except allow the sorrow to be branded deeper within our soul.   Heartache did not loosen its grip upon our world, but glimmers of hope have shown brightly through its cracks.

Jack and Amelia would have been the joys in your life!  How I wish that they could know you and love you as we did.  And with them in mind, your sister gave us all a wonderful reason to celebrate you in a way that would make your beautiful smile shine.

For those who had never met our Jessica, her first job was at our local Bruster's Ice Cream shop.  She was employed there in high school and during college breaks.  The family who owned the business worked with her during her illness to allow her to work as much or as little as she wanted, for as long as she was able to.

Three years ago after Jack was born, Stefanie found the perfect way to honor Jessica’s memory, on the anniversary of her passing, with an "ice cream day".

Stefanie's posting on Facebook reads:  "Enjoy ice cream with your loved ones in honor of Jessica Zifchak.  Invitations are extended to anyone who wishes to remember her beautiful spirit."

She continues: "If there is one thing you worry about when a loved one passes much too soon, it's that s/he will be forgotten.  Our annual ice cream day is one way our family celebrates Jessica and the beautiful person she was.  We choose to turn the anniversary of her death into a positive day filled with lots of memories that are being passed on to her nephew Jack and niece Amelia.  Please use this day as a reason to remember her and to spend quality time with your loved ones.  Because life really is short, but sweet for certain."

And although this day is set aside to remember our Jessica, we encourage everyone to join in to reminisce, celebrate, and spend time with those you love.  So please…stop! and add more beauty and color to your personal viewer, as you enjoy extra special moments of life, with those you treasure and hold most dear.

Goodnight Miss Jessica.  I love you.  Always.

“How long is forever?  Sometimes, just one second.”

-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Thirty years ago today...

Dear Jessica-

This day that you share with Stefanie has been a struggle for us all since you've been gone.  How can we be joyful without you physically within our midst? How can our hearts celebrate as it simultaneously writhes in pain?  There cannot, nor will there ever be, a true understanding of these profound emotions. Yet somehow, I believe that you are encouraging us to move forward and fully cherish the gifts of this day...those which have continued to bless our family as you have allowed Jack to experience your love, and I'm certain that his little sister is learning of you too as she readies herself for our world. And that same love shines through to all of us, as it must be your driving force behind the positive "God winks" that have appeared of late to many of us...with little or no plausible explanation.

So Happy Birthday my dear Jessica and thank you for all of those wonderful gifts that you've given, and continue to bestow upon us.  And with your love illuminating our hearts, may we allow ourselves to genuinely enjoy this day of celebration with your sister Stefanie, our angel here on earth, as you once again celebrate with God, amongst all of the angels in Heaven.

Happy Birthday Stefanie.
Happy Birthday Jessica.
I love you both with all my heart.
Always.

July 8, 2009 – July 8, 2014

I have agonized over this post for weeks as it is nearly impossible to fathom the reality of this day, let alone be truly able to express what lies deep within my fractured soul. Five years.  How can this be?  How can five years feel like a lifetime ago and yet those heartbreaking memories are still as vivid as if they happened yesterday?  Five years… unbelievably more than 1,800 days have passed since I last saw you…touched you…held you…

Five years…

My dreams dare to wander to where our lives would be had God not called you home.  Would you have followed the hard sought path of becoming a nurse and helping others though their cancer journey?  Would you have married and be raising a family of your own while watching your nephew Jack be born and thrive, Rocco grow and become a big brother to Trent?  Would we have mourned the tragic loss of Justin…. Would our family have been restored or would it have continued on its current path?  George had the privilege of seeing what would become of those he loved most had he never lived when Clarence unveiled that truth in “It’s a Wonderful Life”….but we will never know what would have been had your journey not ended so soon.  So many questions remain - yet we know that not all answers are meant to be revealed.

Five years...

Yes.  It has been a constant struggle of learning to live without you. But I have laughed again…lived again…even loved again.  And though my heart is filled with sorrow today, we will all celebrate you as we reminisce about those wonderful moments shared with you and the love, happiness and joy that you gave to each one of us.  

So thank you God, for allowing Jessica to grace our lives, and for helping to create the beautiful memories that we all share of her today.

Goodnight Miss Jessica.

I love you and miss you.

Always.  Forever.

As year three begins....

When you are sorrowful

Look again in your heart

And you shall see that in truth

You are weeping for that

Which is your delight.

-Kahli Gibran from the Prophet

     Hearts are no lighter as the second year without Justin comes to a close...and his memories continue to create both joy and anguish.  Our prayers continue for Karen, Richard and Jenny.  We love you.